Utter Confusion

Once I found solace in my work routine
An opportunity to escape from the isolation at home
But the seclusion from home is carrying over to the office
My door stays shut and spurns all spontaneous pop-ins

The customary workload has not changed
But the depression is not alleviated by the focus
The lines between home and work has become blurred
I fear the impact this will have on my performance

This depression has become the driving force of my day
I can’t help but wonder if it’s in the weaning from Zyprexa
But this drug’s propensity to cause me to gain weight
Has become an equally driving force to be taken off the drug

It’s been a frustrating road to travel
The drug, especially at the higher dosages, proved reliable
As I continue the weaning process, I see a marked decrease in my stability
And I am left with quite a quandary as to the best treatment

This lack of interest in my time focused on my career
I fear will carry over to my overall effectiveness
I am so drained by battling this itinerate depression
A depression that is becoming more the norm

I listen to others’ advice in combating the seclusion
But all of the offerings require energy levels that cannot be summoned
Instead of looking forward to coming into the office to escape the trappings of home
I instead prefer the desolation experienced at home—a familiar territory that exists

Will my bipolar ever come under control?
Am I doomed to be classified as treatment-resistant?
It has often been said that I never do anything half-assed
So why should this experience be any different?

I am grateful I have a door to shut in my office
Passersby are less inclined to pop in with the commonplace news bites
I find myself leaving my headset on to deter the would-be drop-ins
Leaving the impression that I am occupied on the phone

I’ve become the clock-watcher all of a sudden
Eagerly looking forward to the forlorn environment of my home
At least here, there is a comfort zone that is all too familiar
Despite the fact that the environment is far more bleak

When forced to attend social gatherings lest I appear noncommittal
I have become the master of the great façade
Where, once at church I decided to be real without the mask
Even there I find the ease to retreat inward

I’ve been informed that God works on his own timetable
And encouraged that when the time is right, He is always on time
But I grow weary of all the distractions that bring me down
What is considered “Right on Time”?

And it isn’t always circumstances that spawn the depression
I can wake up after a night’s rest and only want to stay curled up in my fetal position
It is most difficult to have nothing to blame the despair
What was once an ephemeral occurrence has become the norm

I wish wholeheartedly that Zyprexa was not such a weight-gainer
But after losing 250 pounds I am unwilling to give any ground
It’s enough that I’ve gained 25 pounds in an eight-week period
Which just fuels the depression with an incendiary force

Along with the depression I’ve managed to entertain the mania once again
Hence my ability to be creative once again with my words
To the world these poems my appear weak and without form
But it is I who derives the benefit from such expression

I am not tottering on the brink of suicide, at least at the moment
My focal point has been isolation and introspection
It is within this self-inventory that further feeds my segregation
A vicious cycle I am doomed to repeat relentlessly

In a perfect world, I would never need to leave my house
I would be devoid of all human contact that only drains my energy
The internet has opened up sufficient portals to conduct all my business
Even contact with the outside world, but at my choosing

I have one fatal conundrum that conflicts with all that I have expressed here
I am realizing that I do not want to have to face the rest of my life without companionship
A partner that I am equal to that can share my innermost self
However, with this self-imposed seclusion, chances are slim to none

I have been out of the closet for more years than in
I’ve enjoyed a rich life replete with partners that complemented my life
However, with the outrageous and heart wrenching end of the most recent
I sought solace wherever I could find it

For a while I forged this relationship with God
And came upon a peace I had yet to experience
But this was the same time my bipolar meds were most efficient
So, what was the source of this peace—God or the cocktail?

So, just who exactly am I at this given moment?
An answer as elusive as a butterfly’s dance
Will I ever know who I am, and if I did, would I like what I see?
Only time will tell—a concept and reality that I have in abundance.
©2007

My Castle Without a Drawbridge

The pain I feel is visceral
It tears at the very fabric of my heart
The loneliness has crept in and surrounded me
Before I had the chance to even sense its presence

The choices I have made for my life
Have always been dictated by some outside force
And in the end I’ve been left holding the bag
While the world spins around me without me

I keep telling myself that I want to be alone
When in fact that couldn’t be further from the truth
The human animal was never designed for isolation
But those are the cards I have been dealt

I am not living my life; I sit on the curb watching it spin around me
I want off this merry-go-round façade that everything is fine
It’s not and I’m too afraid to admit that to myself
If I speak the truth to myself, then all of a sudden it becomes real

I lie in wait of something to come by
Anything that will break me out of this mold
I grow weary of this lie that I call my life
When I can’t even orchestrate its finale

I am tired of being alone
And angry at the choices that put me here
I’ve been forced from the very heart of who I am
For reasons that no longer make any sense

So, in the end I am without companionship
No one to share with who I really am
Instead, I am locked away in this loneliness
My life in a castle without a drawbridge ©2007

My 50th Surprise Birthday Party!!

I had a fabulous 50th birthday. For the first time in my life I had some folks from my home church throw a surprise party for me, and I never had an inkling. When I walked into that room and everyone yelled “SURPRISE,” I was completely taken aback. I wanted to share some of the photos with everyone to show what a truly wonderful job they did. This, indeed, made my 50th birthday one I will always remember.

A lot of planning went on beforehand as you can see from the party invitation above. They used “stealth” technology in the logistics because I live right across the street from the church and can see everything that is going on over there if I happen to be sitting on my front porch.

I literally had no clue whatsoever that they were planning this special surprise. They had the party catered and the food was scrumptious. Thankfully, they did not laden the birthday cake with fifty candles; I had a hard enough time blowing out the ones that were there (yeah, it did take me two breaths!) What a special treat for my 50th birthday!©2007

A Token of Sadness

Melancholy has set in
Its source is unknown
Its not depression, I think
Just a passage of sadness

Happy thoughts remembered
Gives pause for thought today
Where is that elusive entity
That makes me feel alive

There is much to be thankful
I must always reflect upon that
I am continually grateful
At the blessing received from above

Those thoughts alone
Help me rise to the occasion
They give me hope
For better things, indeed, to come

I am learning to separate
The depression from the sadness
A necessary lesson to manage bipolar
It’s OK to be sad when its presence is temporary

In this gloomy space I can see the light
And know that this is just a transient moment
That lightens the burden in itself
The rainbow up above brings a smile to my face
©2007

My 50th Birthday

Today is my 50th birthday. I am a half-century old. I feel as though I should take an inventory of my life to date and figure out where I am going from here. I was ticked pink at the gift my son sent to me—a 500GB external hard drive. Now I don’t have to worry about b/u’s any more. I figure doing a whole b/u once a week should be sufficient, unless there are major changes along the way. In fact, with all the blog posts I make (I save them as word files), I may just do a drag and drop of those particular files. I haven’t checked my mailbox in a while so there may be some birthday cards waiting for me.


You know, I have always been great about remembering everyone’s birthday and sending out the cards. I’ve always spent time to look for that perfect card and always try to write something personal and meaningful inside. But it’s amazing to note that, for all of the people I do send birthday cards to, I don’t usually receive back as many as I send out. For instance, and I think I’ve mentioned this in a prior post, so excuse the redundancy. Every year I send my brother and his wife a birthday card and for all the years I have sent them one, I’ve never received one in return. I just don’t understand that one. And I know he knows when my birthday is because that was what he always used to use as a combination lock code in school. My mom and older sister always send me one, but I don’t usually get one from my younger sister—sporadically at best. But I never receive them from my friends. And this is a birthday that means a lot to me. Maybe I shouldn’t pre-judge. As I’ve said, I haven’t checked my mail at the PO for a couple of days, so I honestly don’t have any idea from whom I have received cards.


My mom always includes a birthday check as her present and it has always carried the instructions that I am not to use it to pay bills. Well, the check I received at Christmas I had to; I didn’t have any choice, but, depending on how much she send this year, I may opt, no matter how much I really do need it to pay some bills, actually go out and buy something just for me. I’ve had my eye on another power tool. This is a drill intentionally meant for driving in screws, etc. It’s made by Bosch and is a relatively small profile tool. Whenever I move somewhere, there are always numerous curtain rods to hang as well as art work, I’ve used the standard screwdriver, but that gets old. I had a bit set with various heads (slotted, Phillips, hex and stars) that I could use with my drill. But I found that the drill’s torque was too much and I ended up stripping the screw. That may have been end-user failure, I’ll be the first to admit, but I have had my eye on this little gadget for quite some time. It retails for about $140 and it does not come with any bits. I’d have to buy the bits separately; I was told to buy the speed load bits that you can just drop in, and you’re good to go without having to deal with an adaptor that can impede the full use of the driver.


So, looking back on my life, what were the high points and low points that I can think of at the moment? Well, the best high point was having such a remarkable son. He turned 24 in February, and I must have done something right along the way because he has turned into a fine grown man (and I still think of his as my little boy—in fact my computer desktop image on both my laptop and desktop is a wonderful picture of him when he was two and quite innocent). Another highlight was graduating from the University with a 4.0 GPA. To make it all the way through five years of college and maintain straight As while holding down three part-time jobs and being a single mom is something of which I am very proud. And, along those same lines, being recognized by the National Geographic Society with a scholarship and a three-month internship which turned into a full-time job which I kept for a year until I wanted to move closer to where my parents lived since they were getting older. Leaving National Geographic was the hardest thing I had to do, but I don’t regret it. Landing on my feet with a good job here in Greenville, SC made it worthwhile since I am now only four hours away from Savannah where my mom lives (my father has since passed away). My two sisters also live there, so I have the opportunity to seem them, although I can truthfully say that it has been two years this August since I’ve been down for a visit. I no longer trust my car (it’s 14 years old) to make the drive, and I certainly cannot afford a new one. I’ve had my eye on that new, compact Honda Fit, but even with the good loan rate I can secure through USAA Banking, it’s would still amount to about $300 a month and I just don’t have it. I can’t afford to pay the bills I do have.


At one point I prayed that I would be blessed with the money I would need monthly to afford the new car, but that prayer has been changed to keeping my old car running safely. I know the CV joints need replacing and I need some serious brake work done, but I just don’t have the money for either of those. And I’ve developed a small oil leak and I think it’s coming from one of my seals which could spell an expensive repair. I’m afraid to bring my car into the shop to have them look at it. At what point do I invest so much money into the repairs? I was always told that if the repairs cost more than the blue book value of the car, then it’s time to get another car. I just don’t have that luxury. And the blue book value today is about $2800. So, I’m hoping my old car will just limp along for local driving.


I can’t really think of too many high points; my low points tally up a lot more. I guess one item that can fall into both lists is my history of drug abuse. I was a hardcore junkie for quite some time, and my drug of choice was shooting up speedballs, or just smack by itself. But the upside is that in May I will have been clean and sober for twenty years, so that a good thing. Back then, I smoked pot like most people smoke cigarettes. I am still very bothered by not being able to smoke a joint now and then because of stupid corporate drug tests. The last time I smoked any weed was the weekend my father-in-law passed away. My son and I went out to the side yard away from everyone else and polished off a joint of some pretty respectable grade weed. I thought it would be just my luck to get called up for a random drug test after that, but nothing ever came to fruition on that, so if I’m asked to now, I am nice and clean. And my track marks aren’t even very noticeable anymore.


Another low point was the subsequent trip to hell along with the diagnosis of bipolar disorder. That has been an on-again, off-again affair. Today and for the past few weeks I have been doing better than I ever have done before, but that is because he has put me on Zyprexa. It’s really been a great drug for me, but I’m having him taper off of it because I’ve gained 20 pounds since I’ve started it, and it is a known weight-gainer. I’m sad to see that the Zyprexa had this effect on me; I’ve realized its potential as a very productive medicine in my situation. I’m hoping that weaning me down to one Lamictal a day will be the trick and I can enjoy the same space I am in right now. I like the balance that I feel, and even though I’ve not been experiencing my creative manic highs, I’ve still been able to write, although I’ve only been inspired to write one poem since all of the mania subsided. In a perfect world, I could have some hypomania without the depression and that would be just enough to keep me creative. I really do miss my manic highs, which is a common complaint among most bipolar patients who reach a point of stasis.


And, speaking of high points, I might as well throw in my gastric bypass surgery and the resulting loss of 250 pounds. That is one heck of an accomplishment. Now you can better understand why this weight gain from Zyprexa has been so hard for me to handle.


Another rite of passage I went through that can go in both columns here is my coming out of the closet finally and the impact being a lesbian has had on my life. That has been played out in so many of my previous posts that I will not dwell so much on that here. Suffice it to say that I will always stick to the premise that being gay is not a choice someone actively makes. I do believe our sexual preference and gender identity is something hardwired from birth. Put the shoe on the other foot. Did the majority of the population wake up one morning and decide to be straight? I don’t think so. My car tag says “1 In 10” because it is presumed through Kinsey’s study that approximately 10% of the population is queer. This has been the biggest conundrum I have had to deal with my entire life, especially recently when I decided to walk away from the gay community and no longer associate myself with that life. Does that make me straight? No. It just means that I am choosing not to act on it. As I have said before, my relationship with God is more important than being queer and I cannot reconcile the two, despite how many meetings I’ve been to in the gay community that talks about what the Bible really says about homosexuality. Anyone can put their own spin on it, but I am acting upon what I feel in my heart and I’ve always had good instincts about things and usually ended up making the right decisions when I have followed my heart.


Oh, the heels of that statement was what I would consider a high point, but others would not. My arrest and subsequent jail time for assault & battery. There were three somewhat drunk rednecks that attempted to accost me outside a department store’s parking lot at close of business and made some rather un-PC comments about the bumper stickers on my car (let’s just say that to read them would leave no doubt in anyone’s mind that a radical dyke drove the car). One called me a fag and proceeded to poke his finger at my chest. I was so pissed off at this idiot for his comments that I told him I preferred the term dyke instead and proceeded to punch his lights out. Evidently, someone saw what was happening and called 911. When the first guy fell down after my punch and I had my boot heel pushed into the sternum of his chest, the other two backed off. But when the cops arrived and I backed off, before I had a chance to tell my side of the story, the guy on the ground pressed charges and the other two assholes backed him up as witnesses. When I tried to explain that I was only trying to defend myself, I was told that this would be up to the judge to decide, but that they were going to arrest me and take me downtown. Needless to say, I was not a happy camper. To make a long story short, I was given three years, but that sentence was suspended and told to do 250 hours of community service and pay for the man’s medical bills (I had broken his nose).


I am glad that I have finally reached this milestone in my life. Does this mean I can say I’ve finally grown up…LOL? I rather doubt it because I don’t feel any different from when I was 20. I guess they are right; age is a matter of mind. I guess my biggest pet peeve (already mentioned here and in a previous post) is my restriction from smoking pot. I can’t wait until the day I retire so I can get high again. I can’t drink alcohol because of the bipolar drugs and, face it, pot is no big deal. Too many pundits say that pot is the gateway drug. But I beg to disagree. I think that alcohol is more of the gateway drug than pot will ever be. OK, enough about that.


There is not much else I feel inspired to write about. There are a lot of periods where I don’t have any memories. Don’t know if that was because of the drugs or what (they say if you ever admit to being at Woodstock you never were really there because if you had been, because of all of the drugs, you’d never remember it…LOL).©2007

My Zyprexa Dilemma (and a Diatribe On Smoking Pot...Go Figure!)

It’s quite amazing the quandary I am now facing. For the first time since January of 2006 I actually feel as though I’m getting my life back. Everything seems to be balancing out the way I remembered it being so long ago when I was in remission. However, my remission is coming at a great cost to me. These little oval-shaped pills, while incredibly effective, has caused me to gain 20 pounds within a period of a month. At this rate, who knows how much I’ll weigh at the end of the six-month weaning regimen the doctor wanted to use. I told him I was willing to go back on Zyprexa under the condition that if I gained any weight I would quit taking it. In one of the videos I uploaded, there was a question posed: which would you rather have—a sane, balanced fat person, or a skinny psychopath? I think I’d rather be skinny again, not that I was ever actually skinny. But your talking to someone who worked incredibly hard to lose 250 pounds. Even a 20-pound weight increase is a depressing thought.

I am to talk with my shrink today on the phone and think I’ve finally reach a point where I am no longer willing to continue to take the Zyprexa. I will be the first to admit that this has been the one drug that has made a significant difference in my fragile state of balance. However, I fear gaining the weight even more so. In addition, the eating pattern is bizarre. I’m not eating because I am hungry and I am wrestling with an increased appetite. It’s like I’ve moved into this grazing mode where I just walk into the kitchen to see what I can eat—whether I’m hungry or not. It’s almost as if there is an oral stimulus attached (similar to problems people have faced when trying to quit smoking).

I really like how I have been feeling these past couple of weeks, even if I do miss my manic highs (which girl group of the 80s did “Manic Mondays”?). I can’t say that everything is perfect, but I am the closest I’ve been to balanced yet, and just in time for my 50th birthday this Friday. I find it absolutely ironic that I was born on 4/20…the international “smoke a joint” day. It’s a shame I don’t have any killer weed I can roll up to celebrate my 50th in style right at 4:20 pm. Life can really suck sometimes. It just kills me that I can’t get high anymore. You know, I don’t drive a forklift at my job, I don’t have to drive a van, or operate any serious machinery where I work. Why should it matter to some egg head in HR that I must pass a random drug screen? I already know what I want for my retirement gift. A QP of absolute golden buds. Thai stick would be nice, but I don’t think the kids these days even know what Thai stick is. Now, some golden hash, no, make that dark, tarry hash, would be quite nice as well. And forget the rolling papers on the killer weed. I’d only use a bong. Less waste and it packs a more powerful punch. Oh, yeah, I forget, I can’t call them “bongs” when I hit the head shops…they are referred to as ‘water pipes” no—like who is going to use them to smoke tobacco in them? Face it, anyone shopping at a head shop has only one thing on their mind…all of the accouterments of fine pot smoking (OK, I grant you, there are people that hit the head shops just to buy incense, but just a few). And, the other day when I was in one, I couldn’t believe how much “water pipes” were costing. Me? A nice ceramic pipe and some screens and I’m good to go IF it wasn’t for these stupid drug tests that I always have hanging over my head. Yeah, corporate America has it all backwards. They don’t care if you’ve got some burned-out alcoholic working for you who reeks of beer or whiskey by lunch and can’t do their job half of the time, but God forbid someone smokes a joint from time to time. OK, I’ll give the corporate dude his due as far as tweakers go, and the more hardcore junkies (one of which I was for quite some time), but cut me some slack if I just want to take a few hits off a bong now and then. And, you know what really bites—I found out from my son one day that an eight-ball of coke costs less than an ounce of some premium weed. Now that’s an insult. Hmmm—I think I have digressed from the point of this post…LOL I’ll get off my soap box now!

Anyway, I’ve made the decision to come off the Zyprexa and I hope I can shed those twenty pounds I’ve gained. I wonder what the shrink will say when I tell him this afternoon during our phone conference. I’ll be the first to admit that the Zyprexa has been the ideal drug bipolar-wise, but I’m not going to grow out of the clothes I have. We’re just going to have to come up with a new game plan.©2007

Stolen Moments

There is this still quiet silence
That falls like dew upon the grass
My manna from heaven
My mind is free of the racing thoughts
That once choked the being of my sanity

There is balance in my life
This state I do not dare to upset
While I miss my manic highs providing my creativity
I do not miss those crashing blows that always follow

I feared the worse when the mania subsided
I panicked at the potential loss of my imagination
Yet I find in this still quiet silence the words
Words to express my conscious state of being

I think I like what balance feels like
I can inhale without constriction
I can be at that place where I am one with the moment
I can be mindful of all that is around
And choose not to select the darker path

For the first time in ages I feel at home in my mind

I can look in the mirror and see the hope and possibilities
I’m not quite sure yet how to grab the brass ring
But the fact that it is there for the taking
Finally lets me exhale with peace.©2007

The Art of Prayer

This past Sunday my Pastor at Faith Worship Center preached a powerful message on the art of prayer, and it was only the first of a two-part series. I learned that there were three parts to prayer: (a) me talking with God, (b) God speaking to me, and (c) that still quiet moment of lingering in God’s presence.

For the first time in quite a while, I can experience that still, quiet moment without all of those racing thoughts thundering in my head. I can sense the Spirit of God around me as I call upon Him to be in His presence. It’s as if I am cloaked with this invisible, yet tangible layer of protection. And to know I can be in this state at all times is a pretty powerful thought. But I have to choose to be in God’s presence willingly. He will always meet us just where we are just when we need him.

But, why only desire to call upon his presence at the time of great need? Do you realize that God wants to walk with you in the cool of the morning all day long? Think of what a powerful testimony you have to others as you enjoy his presence. Sometimes, being the voice of peace and calm amidst the clamor of the moment is all it takes.

Clearly, in comparison to many of my earlier posts, I have reached a steady-state balance, which has now lasted for almost two weeks. This is due in part to another drug introduced to my cocktail with the explicit aim of weaning me down to one maintenance drug. How refreshing for me to imagine only taking one bipolar med each day. This will be a six-month process at which point we will re-evaluate my condition.

However, this gives me pause for thought analogous to the chicken or the egg dilemma: is my relationship with God finally maturing because my bipolar is coming under control, or is my balanced state the result of allowing God to work in my life? Because I believe that all things are possible with God, I am choosing to hold on to the latter.©2007

Depression & the Spirit of God

As a result of my bipolar disorder I have written extensively about how I have battled the depression side of the equation. You have also noticed how richly I speak of the Lord in many of my posts. I’ve had people challenge me by saying that if I really did believe in God, that he would heal me of this disorder and I wouldn’t have to take all of these medications.

Granted, I will be the first to tell you that I believe in divine intervention and the healing of the sick when all else has proved impossible. Why some are cured and others are not is not my place to say. But I also do not believe in fleecing God (there is a passage in the Old Testament—Judges 7:36-40—where Gideon is to be used by God to rescue Israel as He promised, he decided to test God twice. The first time he set out a layer of fleece and told God if it was wet with dew the following morning and the surrounding land was dry, he would surely know that God was going to help Gideon rescue Israel. The next morning, that is exactly what happened. But then Gideon had to see one more sign from God, despite the numerous miracles he had already seen to date, before he was willing to commit to battle and have the assurance that God would be with him. This time he requested that the fleece remain dry while the countryside was covered in dew, and this occurred as well the following morning.). I believe that if it is God’s intentions to heal me of my bipolar disorder, I will discern that within my Spirit. I am not simply going off my medications to prove anything at all. I also realize that God works mightily through doctors and medicines. So, for the time being I continue my better living through chemistry.

I believe that God has quite a lot to say in the Bible about depression, passages that I have read, but ones that I should re-read and become intimately aware of, and to assign ownership of that knowledge. Too often, I have entertained myself in a pity party, yet there have been many times when I have been in very dark spaces that were quite a dangerous playground in which to be playing. As I have postulated before, depression for me is not about having a bad hair day, but a state in which there is utter hopelessness.

It almost seems like an oxymoron to have such strong beliefs in God, yet at the same time experience this hopelessness. However, I don’t believe that, when I am in this state, I am fully aware and cognizant of the power I behold through the name of Jesus. I know that the enemy has used this state of mind to confound me and put me in very dangerous positions, positions that nearly ended my life--some fairly recently.

I believe very strongly in the words of God found in the Bible. I believe that each and every word is from God. So I should, during these moments of clarity, take advantage and see exactly what God's promises are to me in regard to my depression.

Psalm 34:17 states that “The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles”

I believe in this passage that when I cry out to the Lord, He hears me and understands exactly how I am feeling. During the years that Jesus spent on this earth as a man, he suffered the same plights that each of us must endure every day and knows intuitively what we are going through. As a result, God feels exactly what our own hearts feel. He is a tender, loving Father that wishes nothing but the best for His children. I should take joy in these words as they tell me that I am not all alone.

Isaiah 43:2 says “When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty you will not drown, when you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.”

This leads me to believe once again that I am not alone. There is nothing more disheartening when I am depressed to feel so alone in this world. It only compounds the emotional pain. This passage also reminds us that God may not necessarily remove us from the storm we are weathering, but He does promise to steadfastly be with us. With God on our side, who can be against us?

1 Peter 4:12-13 says “Dear friends, don’t be surprised at the fiery trials that you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you. Instead, be very glad—for these trials make you partners with Christ in his suffering, so that you will have the wonderful joy of seeing his glory when it is revealed to all the world.”

This isn’t to say or indicate that we should be glad for our sorrows and tribulations, but, face it, what on earth could we ever go through that could even come close to the tribulations that Christ went through just for us. I am overwhelmed at the enormity of the suffering that He allowed himself to withstand because He knew it was His Father’s will. That puts my own suffering a quite a different perspective. To be able to sing of God’s praises in the midst of the storm is perhaps one of the most moving of all testimonies

Isaiah 40:31 “But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high like wings on eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint."

This one is a little harder for me to wrap my hands around. When I am in the pits of my depression, waiting is not something I am very good at doing, but knowing what I have to look forward to on the other side is what gives me the hope to sustain that faith. This speaks directly to the strength that faith brings to each of us.

2 Cor 1:3,4: “All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort that God has given us.”

What a testimony we have for others when we have walked through the fire and have been delivered by God’s own mercy and grace. Sometimes, the only way to witness to someone else is to let them know you have walked in the very same shoes they are walking in now. Sometimes the only people we will listen to are the ones who truly do understand what we are going through because we have been there ourselves. It’s not enough to preach the Good News when people are in this space, but to get down on their level and reach out with a comforting hand is like offering a sip of cold water to someone who is parched in the desert.

Romans 8:38, 39: “And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."

The image I have in my head when I read this scripture above is of a person hanging onto a pole for dear life while the wind is whipping all over the place and being battered by the force of the wind. I may feel battered, in fact, I may feel beat up quite badly, but knowing that nothing can ever separate me from God gives me that solace I need when everything else seems to be blowing away.

Phil 4:8: “And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honourable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.”

In other words, regardless of what our circumstances appear to be at any given moment in the depths of our despair, we know we have walked upright and righteously with the Lord at one point prior to this fall into depression and we have to hold onto those moments until we can navigate through the quicksand

Being bipolar and a mighty soldier of Christ can bring on a mixed bag of events. While we can, we have the ability to move mountains and lay claim to our heritage as being one of God’s precious children. However, as pointed out previously, there is nothing better that the enemy wants to do but divide you from your relationship with Christ. I do believe the enemy uses our own weaknesses to his own advantage, which is why we must be vigilant at all times. One of the scriptures in the Bible exhorts us to pray without ceasing. And, it is in these darkest of moments when I have to be able to reach out to God and grab on and not let go, knowing He is right there by my side.

I have to decide now whether I have the spiritual courage to be that mature Soldier of Christ and take ownership of all of God’s promises, or do I stay in this safe little corner hiding until the next round of depression comes upon me and become a spineless creature susceptible to all of the enemy’s efforts at weakening my defenses? A lot of this is easy for me to say these things right now as I am not in the pits of despair, but all the more reason for writing this down so I have this to go back to and read when I need it the most.

Do I wish I could be cured of my bipolar disorder? Of course I do. I hate the thought of knowing I have to depend upon medications for the rest of my life in order to maintain my sanity. However, I look to what I have been given as a child of God which makes all things of this world pale in comparison. None of us are promised a burden-free life. It is our responsibility to handle what is thrown our way. So, which path will you walk down where the rubber meets the road? I would like to think that I have matured in my walk with the Lord, even if only a little bit, that will give me so much more strength for when the times come for me to draw upon that strength.©2007

Obedience

This subject is one of the ones most talked about in the Bible. In fact, the entire first 5 books of the Bible convey to the reader exactly what is to be obeyed by the listing of all of the rules and regulations under the old covenant (according to Strong’s Concordance, a covenant is a will, testament, pact, contract, an agreed upon plan to which both parties subscribe). Jesus ratified the new covenant by the shedding of His blood and His death on the cross.)

God exhorts us to be obedient. In fact, in the Ten Commandments, only one of these provides a promise. The fifth commandment says “Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” The promise of a long life, if we are obedient to our earthly mother and father, can’t even compare to the promise that God has for each of us if we are obedient to Him.

How do we know what God wants from each of us? He has given us His word that we might seek from Him our purpose in life. One clue—it has nothing to do with us, but it is all about Him. I’ve written previously about needing to know God’s will for our life and even said that it may just be that we are shining examples to those around us by living an obedient life before the Lord. Should God have further goals for us in our lives and we haven’t yet discerned them through the reading of His word and a mighty prayer life, then, in the meantime, we are to be obedient.

Being obedient is more than just following the Ten Commandments. While a good start as a basic foundation, the Bible clearly comments on how we are to live our lives in relationship to other people. One excellent example is found in Galatians 5:22 where God speaks to the Fruit of the Spirit as “love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law” Note that God refers to this as the Fruit—singular. We are to espouse each of these characteristics as a whole, not just the ones we wish to honor. He also comments that there is no law that goes against the grain of the Fruit. We are to be obedient and yet also subscribe to this characteristics.

Obedience is definitely the narrow, harder path to follow. In our earthly desires, we often commit sin without realizing it because we have become desensitized to certain sins. A classic example is the sin of lying. How many times have you often thought, “Well, a little white lie won’t hurt anyone.”? There is someone who it will hurt and that is you. Because it is a sin, that act separates you from God at that given moment. It’s only through earnest, heartfelt prayer where we ask God to examine our hearts and reveal to us how we have sinned can we then ask for forgiveness. The flipside to this is repentance. Until you reach a point where you are no longer desensitized to a particular sin can you repent of it. Repentance involves the true effort to avoid that habitual sin, whatever that may be.

Turning your life over to God is a true, selfless act of obedience and one of the hardest. This requires absolute faith that God will always be at your side. That does not mean that life will be rosy. In fact, in some cases, it couldn’t be further from the truth. John 10:10 says, “The thief (Satan) does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life and that they may have it more abundantly.” When the enemy sees that you are trying to live your life according to God’s word, he will most surely object. Often, especially with a new Christian, life may become difficult in order to sway him or her from the narrow path that they have chosen. However, remember the second half of that verse: “that He comes so that we will have life more abundantly.”

God answers our prayers according to His timetable, not ours. Sometimes, instead of removing us from the storms of life we encounter, He, instead, chooses to hold our hand and walks us through the difficult times. I once heard this phrase, “if you can stand the stretch, God will pull you through.” Too often people will ask, “If God loves me, and I am true to His Word, why am I suffering like this?” There is no magical answer to this time-honored question. Very simply, having gone through a fire provides you with a lesson learned and the ability to witness to someone else weathering that same storm. What an honor it is to be used by God! You may have to endure difficult times, but to share the rainbow at the end of the hardship with someone else in those same shoes only bolsters the Kingdom of Christ.

When the enemy swoops in to separate you from God, and he will, it will be up to you to stand guard and remain ever vigilant to his intentions. Ephesians 6:11-13, 17 states that we are to “put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirit in the heavenly places. Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so that you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle, you will still be standing firm. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit which is the word of God.” By reading God’s word, we will know how to be obedient to Him, and He gives us another promise in the above scripture where He states that after the battle we will still be standing firm. Further, in Ephesians 6:18, God says "Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion, Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.” Believe me when I tell you that all of us who have accepted Christ as our Saviour and follow heartily after His word will encounter tests and tribulations. It is how we handle these tribulations that determine what we are made of. Do we take that stance, putting on that full armor of God and be obedient to His word, or do we falter and do as the world would have us do and take the easy way out?

As we read His word and grow in this knowledge, will we have a better understanding of what obedience is all about, and what is required of us. Above all, earnest prayer as we seek God’s presence in our lives will only strengthen our resolve to deny the ways of evil, take up our own cross, and follow the teachings of Christ.©2007

To Conform or Be Transformed

“I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed by this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.”

I can understand the first verse. It is exhorting each of us to keep our minds and bodies as a clean and pure vessel to be used of God. This isn’t to say that we reach a state of sinlessness—we’re human and all of us sin, but we all have within our reach the act of atonement and forgiveness, accompanied by the intention of repentance to present ourselves as that sacrifice. To present ourselves as that living sacrifice is to put ourselves before God and allow His handiwork to create in us a pure and new vessel—a vessel willing to be used by God according to His will. We are, in effect, stating, “Here am I Lord, use me.”

This is not an easy state to maintain. The believer must examine his or her heart daily to determine what sins, no matter how trivial they may appear, have been committed that day (sin is sin, and no one sin is greater than another, and all have consequences). To commit a sin separates us from God until we ask for forgiveness, so living a sinful life, or allowing a sin to control us simply inhibits us to be able to be a willing servant to be used by God. God can only use a clean vessel that is willing to be used to accomplish His work. This person must be in a right relationship with God in order to be used, a relationship filled with God’s grace—that gift of receiving that which we do not deserve

Verse 2 is more difficult to achieve. There is the inherent observation that there are followers of Christ living side-by-side with those that do not, or choose not to believe in His teachings. This verse asks us to be aware of our surroundings without becoming part of the actions of this world that are not of God—a delineation that is sometimes difficult to discern. This is where the work of the Holy Spirit comes in to play. By having a discerning Spirit within each of us, we are able to discern that sometimes imperceptible line. We each have the ability to choose to emulate the questionable ethics of this world—yes, to choose sin—or to rise above that and merely observe the behaviours of this world, but not getting sucked into its quicksand. Each of us has the capacity to be in the world—a fact that cannot be ignored—yet not be of this world by choosing behaviour that is pleasing in God’s eyes. This truly is the hard road to take and certainly the narrow path.

To be of the world is a matter of circumstance, a situation that none of us can escape. But, to merely be in it and not of it requires each of us to choose that which is harder—absolute obedience to God. Only in this obedience and our openness to be a clean vessel to be used by God can we discover what is that perfect will of God for each of us. And finding that will may not be one grand and glorious achievement—it could be as simple as living daily a humble and obedient life in service to God while seeking to be closer to God’s own heart with a fresh examination of our hearts each and every day for the revelations of imperfection.

None of us will ever achieve that state of perfection—only Jesus had that capability from the moment of conception. However, it is in this pursuit of attempting to be as close to perfect as we can that allows us to discern that Spirit to show us what that perfect will is. This pursuit of perfection is the act of allowing God to transform ourselves by the renewing of our minds. This requires one of the hardest concepts in a Christian’s life—the ability to let go of our earthly desires in order to achieve that place where we allow the freedom of God to truly work through us as His instruments in this world.©2007

Trust & Obey

These are hard words to live by, and I have to keep repeating this to myself every day, almost as if it has become my mantra. The Zyprexa has made some significant difference in my mood stabilization and I’ve been weaned down on my Geodon from 80mg in the morning and 240 mg in the evening to 80mg/80mg. I’m still taking 200mg of Lamictal once in the morning and the other at bedtime along with 20mg of Zyprexa at bedtime and 2mg of Klonopin three times a day and Ambien CR at night. Throw that in with my Nexium and my two asthma drugs and you’ve got a good idea of how many medications I have to be on (Oh, yeah, and there is my Vitamin B-12 shot that I give to myself every month—I discovered, even though I had been a junkie for 20 years shooting up speedballs, giving myself am IM shot was more intimidating that popping a vein!)

Being in the Word everyday has given me something to hold on to. That goes back to this header of trust and obey. I know that God has a plan for each of us; for me all I can say is that I am to be obedient right now as I have not discerned what that plan may unfold.

I have written to a local Christian radio station asking if they needed any volunteers that could use me a couple of hours a week and on Saturdays and a means of tithing my time and being around a strong group of believers. As I’ve indicated with past entries, I have no real friends. If this radio station decides that they can use my help, this may be a venue I can use to build my friendship base. I wrote both the program director as well as the promotions director and I am looking forward to their response. I will admit to feeling someone disappointed if their reply indicates that they already have enough volunteers.

I need to get out of the house. It truly has become my castle without a drawbridge and I am determined to do something about it. If they can’t use me, I’m not sure where I could spend my energy. I though about Meals on Wheels, but that will eat up what precious gas I can barely afford to put into my car. Staying at home and isolating is not a good thing for me. I wish there were more singles in my church that would be able to get together on some type of schedule just to go out as a group and have some fun, but from what I can tell, most are already coupled. That’s OK with me; it just eliminates one possible option. I have made some wonderful friends at the church, but it is a different component of friendship when I am single and they are coupled.

One thing I have felt God really moving in my heart is my unwillingness to give up my identity as a lesbian, albeit celibate. It truly has become a situation where I am following the letter of the law and not the spirit of the law. I am not allowing God to work through me to change what needs to be changed. I want to be cleansed from the inside out and I can’t help but feeling that my adamant refusal to give up that identity is getting in the way of God being able to finish the work he has begun in me. I just want my own life not to get in the way of what God surely has as a great and mighty plan in store for me.

I do worry what the enemy has in mind. I know what happened the last time I made this type of decision. I ended up in the hospital because I was suicidal. And I will admit that I have faced that this time around as well, but since adding the Zyprexa, my mood has become much more stable. I have to be ever vigilant to how the enemy works through my weaknesses and exploits them for the furtherance of his cause. I have to believe that if the enemy can use my bipolar for evil, can’t God use it for good? This is where my faith must step in. I have to believe that if I do trust and obey—hold on to all that I believe—I will be delivered from this miry clay. That’s doesn’t necessarily mean that I will no longer have bipolar, but it may mean that I will be in remission and be able to work with it successfully. I have been there once before. What’s to say I won’t be there again?©2007