tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180095206501850443.post3702591202801974184..comments2023-06-06T11:58:14.959-04:00Comments on AlixRites®: Outpatient Therapy, Day 6Alixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10845338766501331604noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180095206501850443.post-4531211427140811982009-11-06T22:56:32.225-05:002009-11-06T22:56:32.225-05:00Well said Alix:) Borderline people are a walking ...Well said Alix:) Borderline people are a walking contradiction. We do not make friends easily because it's hard to be close after so much rejection.Blissseekerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14602553795462973554noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180095206501850443.post-42623192588028026282009-11-06T20:39:35.709-05:002009-11-06T20:39:35.709-05:00Sharon, until I talked to AB a little while ago, I...Sharon, until I talked to AB a little while ago, I did not realize that there were those that read my blog. Not that it bothers me; I consider it public domain. I knew that there were many folks that were aware I had a blog. That does not stop me from what I have to say. Some might be offended by what I write, but that is their issue, not mine. My blog has been the only free space where I can say what is on my mind without censorship. In addition, I have received much support from others who understand what I am going through (either from posting a comment or by emailing me directly at my blog’s email address). The support I receive are from those who DO walk in my shoes—all of whom are at various stages of BP and BPD. On the other hand, I have always welcomed those with opposing views that makes for great open dialogue, although these discourses are usually handled via email.<br /><br />I agree with you that I cannot lessen a friend just because he or she has “not walked in my shoes.” However, how can someone be a true friend if he or she does not really know the real me? Yes, there were times when I did let my guard down on superficial things (usually work-related), but I have never had an open conversation about the real issues that I am struggling with (being a lesbian, having BP and BPD, and the odd mix that makes combining all three while trying to reconcile being a Christian just more painful).<br /><br />I do not expect everyone to have an exhaustive knowledge of what BP and BPD are—but understanding their impact on me and the resulting behaviour would be nice if that was understood. I do not want to be hugged or touched; I do not want to sit close by anyone; I do not want to have to talk with anyone (that is to say if I am to remove my evidently not so well entrenched mask). How on earth do you get that across to someone if they don’t know all of me and why I behave the way I do without encroaching on my needs? How will people react if, during a service, I have to retreat and leave the building if it gets too overwhelming for me, even if I am gone for only a few minutes? How will people react to me if I withdraw if someone tries to hug me? How will people react when I choose not to have a conversation with them? But most importantly to me, how do I handle the questions of “How am I? and “Where have I been?” if I am to truly take off this mask? I’m tired of pretending, but as I said to SM and AB, “If you really knew who I was, then you wouldn’t like me anymore.” Yes, that is MY perception. Is it reality? I do not know. I do not know what is real any more. I do not trust myself anymore.<br /><br />I realize it is a conundrum. I complain that no one will reach out to me; yet at the same time, I push everyone away. One of the issues I struggle with is trying to determine the differences of what I perceive and reality. I know my feelings are real, but I am trying very hard to not make sweeping value judgments of how I will be perceived. Right now, in my own little world, everything is binary (black or white, on or off) with no middle ground.<br /><br />I do want acceptance, but for who I really am, not for what people think they know about me. I am trying to learn that I cannot control anyone’s perceptions of me, but I have to have the freedom to be who I am without apology to anyone.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180095206501850443.post-50547593806593622862009-11-06T17:36:29.577-05:002009-11-06T17:36:29.577-05:00This helped me when I heard it, maybe it will help...This helped me when I heard it, maybe it will help you a little too?<br /><br />"resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die"<br />-Carrie Fisher<br /><br />Don't suffer, "radically accept" :) xoxoBlissseekerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14602553795462973554noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180095206501850443.post-52940551136205933332009-11-06T17:09:23.446-05:002009-11-06T17:09:23.446-05:00Alix,
I know myself and at least two others have r...Alix,<br />I know myself and at least two others have read your entire blog and seen the "real Alix" (However, we probably knew the "real Alix" before even reading your blog - you just didn't realize it.) - and we still consider ourselves your friend. Here's a quote for you --- "A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." -- Bernard Meltzer. <br />Don't lessen the value of a friend just because they haven't walked in your shoes ... appreciate their willingness to walk beside you.<br />Still praying. Still here. Still your friend.<br />Sharon<br /><br />P.S. Thanks for the info.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180095206501850443.post-22823009227418544722009-11-06T16:07:14.908-05:002009-11-06T16:07:14.908-05:00Sharon, I hear what you are saying, but you have t...Sharon, I hear what you are saying, but you have to understand what Borderline Personality Disorder is all about. My feelings are real, but I wrestle with confused and irrational thoughts as part of the behaviour. I wish more people understood BPD, and coupled with bipolar, it has made for an incongruent and twisted set of circumstances.<br /><br />Believe me when I say that I do not treat my experiences while attending church with disregard. I recognize that many people have demonstrated their caring concern for me in the past, but what if they knew the real me: who I really am and what I’ve done, in addition to trying to understand the effects of bipolar and borderline personality disorder and how each affects me, how could they relate to me? While I know prayer can be a powerful tool, sometimes I just need an ear to bend, or sometimes a shoulder to cry on, but only with someone that can truly comprehend the ramifications of what I did and what I am going through. I want to take off this façade, but as I told SM in an email to me just a few minutes ago (a very welcomed and much needed surprise), “If you really knew who I was, then you wouldn’t like me anymore.” <br /><br />I am trying to work through the anger about the 911 call and the visit to my house. I am trying to come to the place mentally where I can accept the intentions. Having no memories of the entire event has only fueled my rage. I am so far from being recovered. This is not something that a little magic pill can take away, but may take quite a lot of experimentation to get the combination of meds right over quite a long time, as well as a huge investment in psychotherapy. I have quite a long way to go. All I can say about today is that I bought myself another 24 hours. That’s as far into the future that I am willing to look.<br /><br />I have appreciated the fact that you have taken the time to read my blog and respond. This has been the only outlet where I can be myself.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180095206501850443.post-73643802964970026232009-11-06T15:41:53.875-05:002009-11-06T15:41:53.875-05:00Alix,
I understand that feeling you're describ...Alix,<br />I understand that feeling you're describing. The one that makes you "stubborn" and keeps you from wanting to reach out. It makes you feel "silly" when you share in group or ask for help. I GET that. The last time I was in the hospital was my worst stay ever. I realize now, that I sort of made it that way by allowing that feeling to control my actions and emotions. I think you have come a long way from when I first began to follow you. A very long way. And YOU are responsible for that. From what I see, you are letting down that wall and ignoring the "stubborn" feeling. From my experience, that is one of the hardest parts. Keep on doing what you're doing! I strongly suggest that you start going places at night. Go to a mall (force yourself). Visit people at their houses. MAKE yourself get out. You need that interaction. Please try. I don't like the thought of you siting alone night after night. Keep me posted:)<br />Your friend,<br />BlissseekerBlissseekerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14602553795462973554noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180095206501850443.post-4392085868467473022009-11-06T15:03:42.379-05:002009-11-06T15:03:42.379-05:00Alix,
Your Pastor got out of bed and came to your ...Alix,<br />Your Pastor got out of bed and came to your house that night because he cared for you and you asked for his help. He wanted to be sure you were safe and not in danger. Be angry if you must, but I'm sure he'd do the same again if he thought you needed his help as a friend ... which is the only thing he or any of the other people at church have ever done. They've tried to love you. For the last three years you've had a group of people who have wrapped their arms around you, accepted you, welcomed you warmly and supported you in many ways. Please don't forget that and don't throw something so valuable away or treat it with such disregard.<br />Still praying. Still your friend.<br />SharonAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180095206501850443.post-19805913689109944722009-11-06T07:00:09.102-05:002009-11-06T07:00:09.102-05:00Thank you for your support, Blissseeker. While I ...Thank you for your support, Blissseeker. While I feel that I make progress at one point, as you can see from the post above that I still swing back to my “I don’t give a damn” mode. The nights in my house all alone are the toughest for me, which is why my house itself has become a trigger—my house and all it stands for—because I am there all alone. I have had well-intentioned people from the church try to get in touch with me (all of which I’ve ignored), especially lately, but I don’t even want to open up that can of worms. I fear what to say if I were to ever return and am bombarded with the “Where have you been? We’ve missed you,” comments. Besides, I am still angry over the fact that my pastor (to whom I sent the infamous text message that said I was dunk as hell, had swallowed a bunch of pills and am doing a dry run on my suicide) not only called 911, but met the cops at my house to show them the text message. The first action I get: he felt a professional obligation to report a suspected suicide attempt. However, to actually come by my house and meet the cops to show them the text message? What was he trying to prove? I thought it was overkill. I can’t remember sending the text still; I’ll probably never recover those memories. So, the anger continues to rage (and just about this incident, but others as well), so perhaps I should look at this a one step ahead, and three steps backwards?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180095206501850443.post-23621342068196763462009-11-05T21:18:09.490-05:002009-11-05T21:18:09.490-05:00I'm so happy to here that you are making progr...I'm so happy to here that you are making progress! I can relate to the dissociative part however I am fortunate that it doesn't last as long as it seems to for you and the only reason why it interferes with my life is because I "phase out" during conversations with people and then have no idea what they were talking about! Totally embarrassing but not life threatening. The only person who can tell when it's happening by looking at me is my boyfriend. He says it's not obvious to others. I like your system you have put together for dealing with it though. It sounds like things are improving!Blissseekerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14602553795462973554noreply@blogger.com