Outpatient Therapy, Day 23/Psychiatrist Appt #9

Today’s session went really well. My therapist said I had made such strides over the last seven weeks that she agreed that I could be discharged on the 18th. Today, in fact, we had some new people and some that have been in the group for a little while that had it rock bottom and the therapist used me as an example how things can really get better. I feel good about myself today—something that I did not foresee being able to say even a couple of weeks ago.

I have built up a small coterie of close friends that know me intimately—the ins and outs of my mental illness. This has become my support group, yet another thing I about which I did not even think about. I was isolating so much and vindictively pushing people away to purposely further isolate me. The ironic thing is that the majority of this small group is made up of people with whom I had gone to church. That is my next major hurdle—reinserting myself back into my church. I am feeling less anxious about it, but something is still holding me back. Perhaps it is because not everyone knows my complete story and I certainly do not want to share that with anyone who has not been along for the ride.

I still do not know what “normal” is, but I feel more content than I have for a long while. I have not had any suicide ideation for a while, but the main concern I have, feeling this good, is that I am not ramping up to swing into the manic dark side. I am carefully looking for signs, and my friends know what to look for, so they may see it before I do.

I am going to try to go grocery shopping by myself, cane aside, this weekend. I will see how I deal with being around a large group of people. This should be a good test for me. It has been the one hurdle I have not passed (aside from returning to church). I have gone shopping with a friend that lessened the anxiety, but it is time I try to do it for myself.

I also saw my psychiatrist this morning before group. He also seems pleased at my bipolar improvement. Now that I am getting about six hours of sleep these last two days he has agreed to start reducing my Zyprexa, yet one less pill to take. He is going to submit an extension of my disability (currently ending on the 16th) to return to work on Jan 4th for two weeks at half-time to gradually get accustomed again with full time beginning on the 18th. I hope they approve this extension, as I am simply not ready to return on the 17th. He is not sure if it will fly since I have made such improvement, but he is certainly going to try. He is going to send in the paperwork on Monday.

Well, folks, that’s my story for today and I am sticking by it!©2009

Appt with Psychiatrist Week 4

The first thing we discussed was my weird reaction I had yesterday with Outpatient Therapy Day 9 (didn’t blog about it, as there was nothing new to report). When I woke up at 0200 I felt weak, my legs felt rubbery, and I was shaking all over. It was worse when I was standing, but even after sitting for a while, those effects returned when I’d stand again. At first, I thought my blood pressure was low, but it was normal. I was hoping it would pass by the time I had to drive for my group session, but it didn’t. I chose to drive anyway, but by the time I got to the location, it was worse. I couldn’t walk in a straight line and I stumbled a few times. I went right in and sat down and that helped a lot. The therapist thought it might be a reaction to my medication as I upped the Zyprexa to 40mg to aid my insomnia before going to sleep at midnight. I had my daily call to my psychiatrist later that day, so he dropped the Zyprexa back down to 20mg. This morning I did not have those same side effects.

Later, when I saw him, He had me go through a series of neurological exercises. The only one I didn’t do well on was the Romberg test where, while standing, you hold your hands out to your side, put your feet together and close your eyes. I couldn’t keep my balance. He is still wondering about my low B-12 values and a possibility that I may be low on Thiamine. I also see my regular doc this afternoon (God, I am so sick of having all these various appointments). We’ll be discussing the results of those lab tests I had drawn last week. I’m sure I’ll be told I have to go back to injecting myself with the B-12 shots monthly (cheaper to do it myself instead of paying for an office visit for the same thing). I wonder if you can test for Thiamine. If that’s low, I may be giving myself two shots for a while. My thighs will look like pincushions!

The only other change he made was to reduce my Geodon from 240mg at bedtime to 160mg.©2009

My Zyprexa Dilemma (and a Diatribe On Smoking Pot...Go Figure!)

It’s quite amazing the quandary I am now facing. For the first time since January of 2006 I actually feel as though I’m getting my life back. Everything seems to be balancing out the way I remembered it being so long ago when I was in remission. However, my remission is coming at a great cost to me. These little oval-shaped pills, while incredibly effective, has caused me to gain 20 pounds within a period of a month. At this rate, who knows how much I’ll weigh at the end of the six-month weaning regimen the doctor wanted to use. I told him I was willing to go back on Zyprexa under the condition that if I gained any weight I would quit taking it. In one of the videos I uploaded, there was a question posed: which would you rather have—a sane, balanced fat person, or a skinny psychopath? I think I’d rather be skinny again, not that I was ever actually skinny. But your talking to someone who worked incredibly hard to lose 250 pounds. Even a 20-pound weight increase is a depressing thought.

I am to talk with my shrink today on the phone and think I’ve finally reach a point where I am no longer willing to continue to take the Zyprexa. I will be the first to admit that this has been the one drug that has made a significant difference in my fragile state of balance. However, I fear gaining the weight even more so. In addition, the eating pattern is bizarre. I’m not eating because I am hungry and I am wrestling with an increased appetite. It’s like I’ve moved into this grazing mode where I just walk into the kitchen to see what I can eat—whether I’m hungry or not. It’s almost as if there is an oral stimulus attached (similar to problems people have faced when trying to quit smoking).

I really like how I have been feeling these past couple of weeks, even if I do miss my manic highs (which girl group of the 80s did “Manic Mondays”?). I can’t say that everything is perfect, but I am the closest I’ve been to balanced yet, and just in time for my 50th birthday this Friday. I find it absolutely ironic that I was born on 4/20…the international “smoke a joint” day. It’s a shame I don’t have any killer weed I can roll up to celebrate my 50th in style right at 4:20 pm. Life can really suck sometimes. It just kills me that I can’t get high anymore. You know, I don’t drive a forklift at my job, I don’t have to drive a van, or operate any serious machinery where I work. Why should it matter to some egg head in HR that I must pass a random drug screen? I already know what I want for my retirement gift. A QP of absolute golden buds. Thai stick would be nice, but I don’t think the kids these days even know what Thai stick is. Now, some golden hash, no, make that dark, tarry hash, would be quite nice as well. And forget the rolling papers on the killer weed. I’d only use a bong. Less waste and it packs a more powerful punch. Oh, yeah, I forget, I can’t call them “bongs” when I hit the head shops…they are referred to as ‘water pipes” no—like who is going to use them to smoke tobacco in them? Face it, anyone shopping at a head shop has only one thing on their mind…all of the accouterments of fine pot smoking (OK, I grant you, there are people that hit the head shops just to buy incense, but just a few). And, the other day when I was in one, I couldn’t believe how much “water pipes” were costing. Me? A nice ceramic pipe and some screens and I’m good to go IF it wasn’t for these stupid drug tests that I always have hanging over my head. Yeah, corporate America has it all backwards. They don’t care if you’ve got some burned-out alcoholic working for you who reeks of beer or whiskey by lunch and can’t do their job half of the time, but God forbid someone smokes a joint from time to time. OK, I’ll give the corporate dude his due as far as tweakers go, and the more hardcore junkies (one of which I was for quite some time), but cut me some slack if I just want to take a few hits off a bong now and then. And, you know what really bites—I found out from my son one day that an eight-ball of coke costs less than an ounce of some premium weed. Now that’s an insult. Hmmm—I think I have digressed from the point of this post…LOL I’ll get off my soap box now!

Anyway, I’ve made the decision to come off the Zyprexa and I hope I can shed those twenty pounds I’ve gained. I wonder what the shrink will say when I tell him this afternoon during our phone conference. I’ll be the first to admit that the Zyprexa has been the ideal drug bipolar-wise, but I’m not going to grow out of the clothes I have. We’re just going to have to come up with a new game plan.©2007