You know, I had so much to write the other day that I decided not to put all in one post. What the best thing ( did in 2010? Well, on July 27th I quit smoking cold turkey with none of those nicotine patches or gums. I just made up my mind to do it. The first couple of weeks were hard, but by the third week, the cravings lessened

I miss going to therapy, but each therapist I’ve seen (3) just didn’t seem all that interested in what I had to say. Once actually clock-watch during the whole session. I want to return to therapy, but now I am not sure where to go. I think I am going to call the head therapist I worked with during that intensive three-month outpatient therapy. Maybe I can get her to make the appointment for me in case they it to be a referral requirement.

I’ve been fairly balanced bipolar-wise (BP). And what is interesting, when I am feeling balanced, the Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) doesn’t seem to be as pronounced. However I feel myself slipping into a manic phase. I’ve had all this energy and haven’t been to sleep in 4 days, but I feel fine. My biggest weakness when I am manic is my need to spend money and collecting things I shouldn’t have. Those items always fall in the “want” category!

Well, my psychiatrist was me to have another neuro workup considering the fact that my short-term memory is sporadic at best and I can’t concentrate or focus on tasks. I’ll start working on ten things at the same time, yet make headway on none. So, I am no going to work on one item at a time from start to finish. Not sure what my productivity will be at work.

Speaking of work, I have been staying on top of my projects and my email. My boss hasn’t had to deal with me for the whole month of January so far. I know I am supposed to be getting my performance appraisal this month. I can hardly wait. I rather doubt that it will be as good as last year.

I have perfected the smoothie! I have a 1200-watt blender that will crush ice. I can make gelatos and ice cream and frozen Margaritas. Well, I look at my poor absorption of vitamins and minerals, but instead of taking all these vitamins and minerals in pill form, I am adding leafy green veggies and such (spinach, kale, broccoli, carrots not peeled). I put the veggies in with the blender and all you can taste is all the fruit I usually add to my regular smoothie along with the protein powder and flax seed meal (the actual flax seeds are hard to digest).. Maybe my blood results will look better this time when I go see my regular doctor.

Back to my dysfunctional family. I decided to send everyone framed pictures of Mom following her 90th birthday, evening including K, the niece from hell. I called her out on it and she claimed she didn’t know what I was talking about. Never mind that for the last 10 years I have been patently ignored when the family gets together for the celebration at K’s house. Well, I sent the framed photos to K and today is Jan 17. I actually was expecting a thank you call or card, but nothing has been forthcoming, so I have now washed my hands of her.

You know what else hurt my feelings? Now that I have a dependable car, I have the ability to drive the four hours to her house. WhenI was visiting her back in November, she told me that staying for four days is just too much for her. Three will suffice. Well, that’s hard on me considering it’s practically a quick turn-around trip. And on top of that, she doesn’t want me down there too often (like once per season). Well, she is 90 and has every right to dictate who can and for how long someone can visit. Ah, yes, family. Just warms the cockles of my heart! ©2011

Outpatient Therapy, Day 23/Psychiatrist Appt #9

Today’s session went really well. My therapist said I had made such strides over the last seven weeks that she agreed that I could be discharged on the 18th. Today, in fact, we had some new people and some that have been in the group for a little while that had it rock bottom and the therapist used me as an example how things can really get better. I feel good about myself today—something that I did not foresee being able to say even a couple of weeks ago.

I have built up a small coterie of close friends that know me intimately—the ins and outs of my mental illness. This has become my support group, yet another thing I about which I did not even think about. I was isolating so much and vindictively pushing people away to purposely further isolate me. The ironic thing is that the majority of this small group is made up of people with whom I had gone to church. That is my next major hurdle—reinserting myself back into my church. I am feeling less anxious about it, but something is still holding me back. Perhaps it is because not everyone knows my complete story and I certainly do not want to share that with anyone who has not been along for the ride.

I still do not know what “normal” is, but I feel more content than I have for a long while. I have not had any suicide ideation for a while, but the main concern I have, feeling this good, is that I am not ramping up to swing into the manic dark side. I am carefully looking for signs, and my friends know what to look for, so they may see it before I do.

I am going to try to go grocery shopping by myself, cane aside, this weekend. I will see how I deal with being around a large group of people. This should be a good test for me. It has been the one hurdle I have not passed (aside from returning to church). I have gone shopping with a friend that lessened the anxiety, but it is time I try to do it for myself.

I also saw my psychiatrist this morning before group. He also seems pleased at my bipolar improvement. Now that I am getting about six hours of sleep these last two days he has agreed to start reducing my Zyprexa, yet one less pill to take. He is going to submit an extension of my disability (currently ending on the 16th) to return to work on Jan 4th for two weeks at half-time to gradually get accustomed again with full time beginning on the 18th. I hope they approve this extension, as I am simply not ready to return on the 17th. He is not sure if it will fly since I have made such improvement, but he is certainly going to try. He is going to send in the paperwork on Monday.

Well, folks, that’s my story for today and I am sticking by it!©2009

The State of Balance

Mania: a wild and violent insanity
Fifty percent of the component of bipolar
It’s what drives our creative forces

Depression: A pathological state of despair
The other fifty-percent component of bipolar
It’s what drives us to the utter brink of destruction

Balance: a state of equilibrium
Do you know what that means to a bipolar patient?
It is the very nature for which we attempt to strive

Balance is a very elusive element in the bipolar world
It can exist for brief moments in time
Or it can last for as long as a few months

Everything is contingent upon the medicine
A highly refined cocktail, precariously metered
In hopes that it is that magical touch

If you’re lucky, you’ve found that sought-after mixture
Even if it means that it becomes your ball and chain
For bipolar patients, the choice is which drugs, not if drugs

Medicines become the way of life
Ideally one can be reduced to one maintenance drug
However, at times, a combination may have to suffice

The side-effects can be debilitating, but carefully weighed, a solution
Most cocktails are written off-label
The majority used as mood stabilizers are often, in fact, for anti-seizures

The need for life-long medication is disheartening
There is no known cure for this condition
At best, one can be at peace with herself

There is a catch-22: the state of mania can be addictive
Because it does allow for creativity
We miss that element when we are in balance

I wish I could be balanced with a touch of mania
I love my creative side; it propels my juices to flow
But you can’t have your cake and eat it too

I never miss the depression; it’s far more than merely a bad hair day
Its very nature is destructive by definition
And often can be life-threatening at worst

The wildest state is the mixed-phase dilemma
Being manic and depressed at the same time
Going for days without sleep, yet wishing for each day to be your last

So, in the end, being balanced becomes a trade-off
The creativity is stifled, yet you strive to live for yet another day
In any event, being bipolar becomes an art form in which to survive.
©2007

Stolen Moments

There is this still quiet silence
That falls like dew upon the grass
My manna from heaven
My mind is free of the racing thoughts
That once choked the being of my sanity

There is balance in my life
This state I do not dare to upset
While I miss my manic highs providing my creativity
I do not miss those crashing blows that always follow

I feared the worse when the mania subsided
I panicked at the potential loss of my imagination
Yet I find in this still quiet silence the words
Words to express my conscious state of being

I think I like what balance feels like
I can inhale without constriction
I can be at that place where I am one with the moment
I can be mindful of all that is around
And choose not to select the darker path

For the first time in ages I feel at home in my mind

I can look in the mirror and see the hope and possibilities
I’m not quite sure yet how to grab the brass ring
But the fact that it is there for the taking
Finally lets me exhale with peace.©2007