My First Day Back to Work

I woke up yesterday morning about 15 minutes before my alarm had been set. I got six-and-a-half hours of sleep and felt well rested. I woke up earlier than I had to in order to enjoy some time drinking my hot tea and settling my anxiety about this eventful day. I had no idea of what to expect.

I spent my last day on full time disability (Monday) talking to my manager. He assured me that everything would be fine. The disability claims group approved me to go back to work from the 5th to the 11th at fours hours a day and from the 12th through the 18th I’d be working 6 hours a day. I explained to him the downside of my vitamin B1/Thiamine deficiency with regard to my short-term memory loss and he understood that it was going to take some time for my brain to heal.

This first week back all he wanted me to do was to go through my email inbox and blow away the majority of the unread emails as my back-up team members were taking up the work covering my clients while I have been away. For these two weeks, my out-of-office email auto reply and my outgoing voicemail message still shows me being out of the office. My manager does not want me to interact with my clients for these first two weeks. He felt that I needed a gradual immersion back into the fold. I am so grateful to have such a wonderful manager. After talking with him, my anxiety levels were reduced.

Well, the moment I had been dreading was finally upon me—opening up my email account. There were 1000+ unread emails just waiting there for me. I took a deep breath (and an Ativan, I will admit) and sorted by sender. It turns out that there were so many I could just delete. When all was said and done, I ended up keeping 73 emails that I felt I had to read which I did. Many came with important attachments about my specific accounts that I would have the need to use later. I saved and filed all of those in the appropriate folders; the next thing I knew, it was 1100.

Oh yeah, my boss did agree to letting me change my work hours and now I will be working 0700-1500—no more overtime hours allowed. I am so grateful for those two situations. I wake up so early anyway; to have to wait until 0800 would be counter-productive. In addition, the upside is getting off at 1500 while there is still sunlight. This gives me the chance to accommodate any doctors and therapists appointments. I never did like working the normal eight hours where the sun was just coming up when I started work and already set by the time I was finished. I hate Standard Time and the sun setting so early in the Winter.

My day actually went quite smoothly. I was very methodical in how I approached the day; I received excellent support from my boss; what more could I have asked. Since my day started at 0700 I was done at 1100. I had the rest of the day free and I realised that I needed a distraction so I would not dwell on what may or may not occur my second day back. A friend of mine had been sick over the weekend and I called her up telling her I was going grocery shopping and asked her what I could pick up for her.

When I arrived at her house, my heart just went out to her. She looked liked she felt so miserable. We settled in and spent about two-and-a-half hours just talking. It was exactly what I needed to divorce myself from anticipating the worst for the next day.

Overall, it was a good day. I am not going to fret about the upcoming days or pile more on my shoulders (emotionally) by projecting outward on the worst-case scenario. I have hope that my job will be far more manageable now than it ever was before. Staying in the moment—what a marvellous tool!.©2009

Anxious About Returning to Work

Well, tomorrow is my first day back to work after almost 12 weeks of short-term medical disability. I had only been working in my new job for approximately two-and-a-half months. I am afraid that I will not remember how to do my job. This is a high-stress work environment and I have a lot of high-profile clients that I serve. I am not sure I am ready for this.

Last week my psychiatrist faxed in a request so that my first two weeks back be half-days only. The disability group is scheduled to review that and decide today. I sure hope they approve this request. I have also left a voicemail with my manager requesting that my work schedule be shifted a tad earlier in the day so that I will be working 0700-1530 (not that I have ever only worked eight-hour days). In reality, this time around I am not planning to work any overtime. Working all those extra hours before set me up for my eventual downfall (aside from the very important fact that I went off my meds). I have not heard back from him yet; I hope he agrees to my request. Being able to be off the clock by 1530 will give me the chance to accommodate any doctors’ appointments I may have.

I am looking over at my corporate laptop which has been turned off for all of this time. I am even anxious about booting it up. Not that the laptop will not boot, but I wonder if all my access passwords into the network have been changed since I have been out all this time. I have to have access in order to be able to work from home so I can VPN into the network. I remember what all my passwords are, but they all have time limits on them. Some are only good for 90 days.

I am not even sure how to begin my workday. I ordinarily receive anywhere from 150-300 emails a day. I cannot even fathom how many unread emails are in my account. That thought alone has my hands shaking. Just as I was starting my disability time off, my department was being reorganised and eventually was slotted to be under a new management chain. My manager is still my manager, but the food chain on up from there changed above his level. I hope I am not in for any nasty surprises when I return (meaning I hope I still have a job). I know that my job has been protected while out on FMLA, but that doesn’t mean they can’t come back to me as soon as I get back and say to me, “Oh yeah, Alix, while you were gone we eliminated your position. Thanks and have a nice day.”

I have left another voicemail this morning for my manager to call me back at some point today. I hope he is in. Chances are, he may have taken a few vacation days before the New Year during the time I left my previous voicemail; I need to talk to him today before I report back tomorrow. That is the downside to working remotely from home. My team is located all over the country. The only communication we have is via phone calls and email.

Well, I have planned out my day today to reorganise my office space back to the way it was before I took all this time off. I am also planning on reviewing all of my training notes to have everything fresh in my mind before tomorrow. I woke up this morning at 0430 and am already feeling tired. This does not bode well for my sleep patterns the rest of the week. I hope I can sleep a more work amenable schedule tonight.©2009

Outpatient Therapy, Day 6

I couldn’t resist this video. It actually had ME chuckling a bit! It’s well worth listening to for you group therapy gurus out there!.

Yesterday I was a little more active about filling information on the daily check-in sheet we use for “sharing” (gag). I was able to verbalize and demonstrate (what they are looking for according to my treatment plan) three skills I have been using to further my treatment.

You know how I mentioned that I can be out driving my car and all of a sudden I don’t where I am, how I got there or how to get home? (which only causes an anxiety attack to no end). Well, what I’ve come up is this plan: I Google the map from house to location (and also do a return map) and I keep that in my car. I study the map so I know what exits to pay attention to if I’m on the interstate. I have been using “mindfulness” (skill #1) by concentrating hard on where I am at all times, mentally checking off the exits. In addition, I will call the location ahead of time (even if it’s been a place where I have gone before) and ask for prominent landmarks that I can start looking for as I approach the location. I mark these landmarks on my map.

When it comes to more locally centered destinations, I can zoom in on Google and it will note landmarks (restaurants, gas stations, churches, etc). It’s still up to me to study them ahead of time so I don’t have to be looking at them while I’m driving. I’ve have even had to resort to do this when I plan to take a long walk around my neighborhood. The other night, when I just wanted to get fresh air, I Googled the diameter of the area usually a minimum of a two-mile stretch (residential, no populated landmarks) and made notes on the map with regard to street addresses to go with the street names and would place arrows to make sure I would know how to get home. In addition, I take my walks when it is very late at night—no traffic, no noise. You might wonder if I’m taking a risk doing this so late. All I can say, pity the fool who wants to fuck with me whether he has a gun or knife. Besides, you’ve heard the phrase, “suicide by cop,” well, couldn’t this be just as easily “suicide by rapist?”

The other immediate issue I have been working on is facing being around a large group of people. When our whole group therapy rejoins us for the second session (we always split into two smaller groups for the “sharing” session), I can’t handle the room that is now filled of people. All of the chairs are taken. I can’t sit next to someone, or even be in close proximity. My coping skill has been to “retreat” (skill #2) where I find a chair alongside the wall, as far as away from the table that is possible. Again, I use “mindfulness” when I start freaking out and the walls feeling like they are closing in around me. I simply close my eyes so I don’t have to see anyone and just zone on what the therapist says. Sometimes I have to use my “deep breathing” (skill 3) when I actually have to open my eyes and look at the white board, or have to participate in the discussion (my extent of participation is usually having to ask her to repeat what she just said because I don’t understand something, or my poor concentration is acting up).

So, I am using three skills so far that seem to be working to an extent. I’ve developed quite a lot of neighborhood maps, by the way. I’m not one to retrace my steps every night. Since I am still alive writing this, the severe suicide ideation I experience on an all too familiar basis, what I have been doing for that one is to get out of my house, because it seems that being all alone in my house has become a trigger, so I “retreat” and take a long, hard walk. The exertion helps dissipate the wrathful rage I am experiencing at the moment, so by the time come home I am usually spent and exhausted. I simply take my bedtime meds knowing that they will knock me out for about two hours tops. When I wake up, the suicide ideation is usually at bay, even when I go into the other room and put all my “instruments” back in their lockbox for no one to find. I’ve carefully labeled it quite prominently Bank Statements, so no one would even bother looking there if the cops ever had the probable cause to search my house.

I am missing a time block from the time I left group therapy this past Friday from about 1215 until I woke up @ 0135 (you know, when I eventually go back to work, there is no point in having to set an alarm!). However, what concerns me most about the dissociative states is wondering what I do when I am in that headspace. I have to ask the obvious question: what happens if I become suicidal during a dissociative state? Will I have the frame of mind to attempt to use my coping skills? I only have this as a vital concern because the last time I committed suicide I cannot remember almost nine hours (which of course could actually have been precipitated by the incredible amount of ETOH I consumed along with the benzos).©2009

Forgetting and Remembering

My history haunts me
Like a bad dream repeating
I’m tired of all of the reminders
Of things I’d just as soon forget

It doesn’t take much
To spark a rather forgotten memory
How long must I be reminded
Of what I’d just as soon forget

Just when I think I’ve made progress
I get hit with a spark of the past
The pain, the injustice, the sadness
Of what I’d just as soon forget

There are days that are better than most
And thankfully there are more than not
But soon the recollection sneaks in
Of what I just as soon forget

Then there are times when it’s all I feel
The isolation, the desertion, the failure
The pain is fresh like it happened yesterday
Of what I’d just as soon forget

I have to trust that time heals all wounds
And, as time goes by, I’ve created a new life
One of hopes and promises and a future
Of what I’d just as soon remember
©2007