13 September 2009

Suicide Watch #1

Please note, this carving action discussed in my earlier post was not a harbinger of things to come. As with past attempts of suicide, I would never cut my wrist. I know many folks who’ve survived. When I decide to end it all, I’m not going to simply OD on pills (note to self, I have well more than is needed to finishing it all off (which can theoretically be intervened with forcing that patient to down activated charcoal which causes many of the toxins to be immediately absorbed.).

No, this time, I a plan that is fool-proof (once before I was faced with these options and saw the red flag for what it was and called my physician which resulted in my immediate confinement to a psych ward). I’ve obtained injectable potassium chloride (KCl) which is third component of lethal injection (followed by Sodium Thiopental, a short-acting barbiturate, and then Pancuronium Bromide, a paralytic agent). I have also horded injectable insulin. Both of these drugs will certainly allow me to obtain the results I desire…with no turning back allowed. The upside is, if I prep everything just so because of the sudden reaction to the KCl and insulin, these drugs would not show up on a standard tox report if I were ever posted. No suicide action = life insurance policy for my son.

My suicide ideation is becoming a finely-honed. When the time does come, Ill be ready go. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I have severed all ties with the gay community and my family. My answering machine at home is off and I’ve disabled the vm feature on my cell. I’ve never had someone just pop over to my house; I only get one call from a friend of mine (who knows I am entering into this BP zone) from time to time. I work from my home office. Frankly, initially no one will miss me. My son hardly calls anymore, and since I had left the gay community, I have no strong social networking base. I could be dead for a week before someone would notice. That is what I am shooting for. No one will miss me except for one friend who had seen me through thick and thin this year. Yet, despite her many pleas to call her whenever I hit this crisis mode, I won’t. What folks don’t realize is that once your mind is made up there is no turning back. And the last thing I want to do is argue the unarguable.

It appears as though I am already embracing the task to end my life. I know in my heart that I can no longer handle the roller coaster ride and the abject despair and loneliness. This time I am going to be bold and set the motion is in play, whenever that moment comes to pass.©2009


  1. I've spent the morning reading your blog, and the progression the BP is taking. I think the crux of your confusion can be tied directly with your struggle to once again claim your Butch identity. Alix, this isn't something you can just wrap up neatly and put in a box and tuck it somewhere up in the back of the closet (no intended pun on the closet remark!). You can't escape who you are. The more you deny it or hide from it, the more struggles you will incur. My father once said, "It's time to cut bait or fish." Well, what will you do with this? Your lesbian identity will never go away. The more you run from it, the more grief you are experiencing--ever so eloquently described in this most disturbing post. Is your denial of your true identity truly worth the cost of your life?

  2. Alix, dammit, stop saying "when" you commit suicide. Stop planning it. Just stop! There is a wide, wide world out there that has to have something in it for you.

    God, I wish I didn't live on the other side of the country. I'd freaking move in with you until you quit this shite.

    Alix, stay with us. I only just met you and I want to get to know you better.