27 September 2009


I can’t explain this sudden, overwhelming, heart-gripping panic that I am riddled with right this very minute. I was in the other room, sitting on my sofa drinking tea when I noticed the time: 1935. It’s Sunday evening. In less than 12 hours, I will be at work. I can’t do this. I can’t log on and open my email for fear of what is waiting for me. The requests, the questions, my clients wanting all of me all at the same time. I don’t know what I am doing. I can’t answer their questions. There is so much expected of me: project deadlines—everything becoming due all at the same time. The details, the minutiae—my desk is piled so high with stacks of minutes from meetings: actions items required of me, follow-up details I am responsible for. I can’t do this any more. I have a training class all day on Tuesday to complete my Six Sigma Yellow Belt requirement consisting of four separate courses, each to be completed with an 80% passing score (with only 10 questions each made of “choose the best answers of the following…” format meaning I can only miss two on each) followed with a final exam of 25 equally-formatted questions again at a pass rate of 80%. There is too much fucking crap all hitting me at the same time. I can’t breathe. I’m afraid to go to sleep knowing that, in the blink of an eye, I will face what terrifies me the most. I can’t do this job. I don’t know what the hell I am doing. Everything is going to blow up in my face. It’s now 1947. I can’t stop time. Tomorrow is coming, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Oh, my God, what the fuck is happening to me? Where is this terror coming from? I can’t move…©2009

1 comment:

  1. Oh hun, that sounds terrible. Is there any way you can take a few days/weeks off to ease the pressure? Or would that only make things worse - with there being even more time to contemplate returning and whatnot?

    I know this is essentially how I felt before I went off work. I didn't sleep at all on Sunday nights or before meetings. I consistently pointed out the unfairness that was expected of me, but I was accused of being awkward or unapproachable and just had yet more worked piled on me. In fairness, it was only one factor of the current breakdown, but it was awful nonetheless - so I can understand.

    I hope that it didn't end up being as bad as you feared and that you get/got through the day OK. If it's practical to take some time off sick, maybe that's something to think about, but if not, I do hope you find some coping mechanism for when things get too much.

    Take care of yourself.