27 May 2007

Forgetting and Remembering

My history haunts me
Like a bad dream repeating
I’m tired of all of the reminders
Of things I’d just as soon forget

It doesn’t take much
To spark a rather forgotten memory
How long must I be reminded
Of what I’d just as soon forget

Just when I think I’ve made progress
I get hit with a spark of the past
The pain, the injustice, the sadness
Of what I’d just as soon forget

There are days that are better than most
And thankfully there are more than not
But soon the recollection sneaks in
Of what I just as soon forget

Then there are times when it’s all I feel
The isolation, the desertion, the failure
The pain is fresh like it happened yesterday
Of what I’d just as soon forget

I have to trust that time heals all wounds
And, as time goes by, I’ve created a new life
One of hopes and promises and a future
Of what I’d just as soon remember
©2007

25 May 2007

Soaring Prisms



Kites floating in the summer skies
Flirting with the clouds above
Their color prisms among the heavens
As they find themselves flying higher and higher

It’s fun to watch the little kids efforts
Determined to harness the breezy fuel
Running top throttle in hopes of success
Only to find it stuck in the sand

What joy to see expressions of delight
When, all at once, they realize their efforts
And squeal with amusement in their victory
And watch their kites play dodge ball together

What freedom and abandon these toys create
As they craftily attempt the aerial maneuvers
If only our lives could enjoy this independence
Instead of, at times, being stuck in the sand

A lesson to be learned is to give it your all
Living life with a passion that knows no end
This lesson comes with risks, not many are willing
But to practice this fervor will result with such glee
©2007

21 May 2007

A Day in the Life


The day starts out with a hush
The moon is high and the birds are still
Yet, I feel this gentle stirring in my heart
It’s God welcoming me to a brand new day

I fall down to my knees in reverence
His presence is all-encompassing
What a joy it is to receive
A wake-up call from my Father

The sun migrates onto the horizon
As His Spirit burns brightly inside
Amazing to be called His own
What a team we’ll make today

Too soon the morning grind begins
Phone calls, emails, meetings and chatter
Yet I still carry deep within me
God’s glorious presence and grace

At lunch I marvel at His majesty
The splendor of the massive trees
The kaleidoscope of a flower garden
My name is written on His hand

The day is winding down
As many people rush home
But when all is said and done
I want to be that good and faithful servant
©2007

Calloused Knees

Each night this child is on her knees
Praying to God in thanks for another day
Her mother is there kneeling with her
This is their bedtime story each night

In the early morning’s hour she hears her voice
In her mother’s room on her knees praising God
She slips right next to her quietly
And gets on her little knees to join her voice

They prayed together every morning and night
It was their tradition they shared
No matter what was going on in their lives
Nothing could separate them from this time together

The little girl was older now in a home of her own
But she knew she was still sharing with her mom,
A thousand miles away, of spending that precious time
Together on their knees before God

The once little girl now had a daughter of her own
Every night she’d kneel by the cradle and pray
Knowing that, across the country, her mother was, too
When she’d close her eyes, she could feel her mother’s presence

When the baby grew older and had her own bed
Her mother began to teach her to pray
And explained what a glorious God they served
And one night the little girl asked Jesus into her heart

This tradition continued: mother and daughter together
Every morning praising God for all His glory and grace
And every evening thanking Him for all He had given
What a site to behold from generation to generation

Years later on one of their many trips to Grandma
They were on their knees at her bedside while she was dying
Then, at once, they both reached up to Grandma’s knees
And asked God to safely bring her home
©2007

17 May 2007

The Golf Game


Living your life is a lot like playing a game of golf. God would love it if we were to tee off our day with strength and confidence through Him. We have that ability when we are in God’s word before the day ever starts and have that “alone time” with Him with fervent prayer.

God also wants us to choose the narrow path of righteousness, so let Him order your steps as you drive your ball straight down the fairway. Don’t look to the world for answers, or seek its advice, otherwise you may find yourself in the rough along the tree line. You might find yourself tempted to take the easy way out by cheating to give yourself a better lie. Christians today must strive to keep their lives pure, refusing the sinful allurements of the world around them to compromise their life

Be careful here because bunkers are sure to abound. Not all sand shots are impossible. Some may be right on the lip requiring a mere chip shot onto the green, while others may be buried right in the middle surrounded by huge barriers. Balls in the sand are almost like our sins. A lot of people might construe this analogy that the one on the edge is a little sin and the one buried in the middle is a big sin. But God doesn’t see it that way. To Him, all sins are the same—none worse that the other. More easily said is disobedience of any kind is still disobedience.

The bunker offers another view of our perception of sin. Perhaps we don’t realize that the easy chip shot onto the green is even a sin at all. This is when we are most vulnerable to the enemy’s attack. After a while, these “little sins” may become common everyday occurrences and we don’t even realize we are sinning. That is why we must ask God to help us search our hearts for all sins in our lives. On the other hand, you may say that it’s obvious that the ball stuck in the middle is a “big sin,” one easily identifiable. But this, too, can be a weapon of the enemy. We may be lulled into the sense of “what’s the use” because we have sinned so greatly, how could God ever forgive us. That’s exactly what the enemy wants us to believe—that we are unworthy of God’s love and forgiveness and lose sight of the greatest act of forgiveness at Mount Calvary.

Not all holes are par 3s. Some require greater effort at sticking to the straight and narrow. And, every now and then a few blessings along the way surround us with a birdie here and an eagle there. Those are our successful steps forward. But life isn’t laid out so neatly. A nice dogleg to the left may leave you with a bogey or two, but part of living our lives comes with risks, and with risks we sometimes experience some steps backward.

So, we are down to two choices. We can be handicapped with God’s incredible grace, or the beguiling nature of the enemy. The old adage of “it’s not winning or losing that matters; it’s how you play the game” comes here into play. Is your life’s game on par with His plans for your life?©2007

10 May 2007

The Beauty From the Heavens



Rainbows are promises from God
At first that he would never flood the earth
But it also brings hope
When He walks us through the storms
The promise of victory to be realized

Think of the enormous beauty of the colors
A true prism of anticipation
That the power of God is still in our lives
To hold us tight through the tough times we endure
A positive sign that He provides for relief


For rainbows to occur, the sun must emerge from the clouds
What a testimony and symbolism of the one true Son
To deliver us of the tempests we undergo
A reminder of the knowledge that we are never alone
The Lord knows those who belong to Him


So, when the gale force winds swirl around us
Remember He who guarantees His presence
Take solace for the dark clouds will soon pass
His timetable may not always be ours
But when He delivers He is right on time


Look for the magical arc of that splash of trust
Life up your eyes to acknowledge His greatness
Fall to your knees to truly worship His magnitude
Endless as the seas of this world
He alone is worthy of our praise

©2007

06 May 2007

The Sailboat of Hope



Confessions are good for the soul
Absolution of sins that have been made
She leaves with the promise of hope
And faces the day with no fear

Alive with the thoughts of her future
A slate that has been wiped clean from her past
With no where to go to begin
She sets sail to her new destination

A new beginning to forge
Unsure of her new-found awareness
She unfurls the sails of her history
As the wind blows it all away

The expectation of her new freedom to live
The shackles break free from her life
That once filled her presence with fright
And smothered her being with despair

The air is filled with a promise
The chance to discover herself
Hesitant to look all that closely
Of what she might find staring back

The reflection is made perfect in purity
The eyes grow with an anticipation
Her new life is about to begin
As she sets sail to her unknown existence

©2007

The Absence of Being

Tension fills the still air
The cigarette left unattended
Smoke fills the sterile clean room
The coffee grows cold in its cup

The woman sits all alone
Unaware of her own surroundings
Left to her own devices
She absorbs the thoughts in her head

No where to go
No one to see
She’s left all alone
With no one to help

Emotions abound to process
Too many to cleanly develop
Overwhelmed by the flood that washes
And coursing through her maddening mind

She looks for answers to come
And discovers there are none to be found
She sits there and ponders her life
She’s immune to the outside world

She desperately seeks the reality
Trapped by the pieces in her brain
She lights yet another cigarette
And drinks from the cold bitter coffee

Nothing to stare at before her
Blank walls fill the entire room
The quiet cannot stop the madness
That fuels her desolate space

She gets up to open the door
To the world that has nothing to offer
She stares at the blank cloudless sky
With hopes of a future to come

©2007

05 May 2007

The Brewing Storm



The electrical storm brews in the air
The flash of piercing light slashes the dark
The clash of roaring thunder screams through the silence
The pouring water rinses clean the air

Then the atmosphere quiets the earth
The sun begins its ascent for another day
The birds all chirp in unison
What will this new dawn bring

The earthworms struggle to the surface
As I scratch to find my way up
Too soon the brilliance scorches these creatures
Burnt upon the hardness of the cement

I rise with hopes of a new future
Bright with promise of a new beginning
One that brings its guarantee of peace
A stillness within my heart

The power of the past that haunts me
Its presence grows far from my spirit
The memories fade in the distance
The pain erased from my soul

©2007

03 May 2007

The State of Balance

Mania: a wild and violent insanity
Fifty percent of the component of bipolar
It’s what drives our creative forces


Depression: A pathological state of despair
The other fifty-percent component of bipolar
It’s what drives us to the utter brink of destruction


Balance: a state of equilibrium
Do you know what that means to a bipolar patient?
It is the very nature for which we attempt to strive


Balance is a very elusive element in the bipolar world
It can exist for brief moments in time
Or it can last for as long as a few months


Everything is contingent upon the medicine
A highly refined cocktail, precariously metered
In hopes that it is that magical touch


If you’re lucky, you’ve found that sought-after mixture
Even if it means that it becomes your ball and chain
For bipolar patients, the choice is which drugs, not if drugs


Medicines become the way of life
Ideally one can be reduced to one maintenance drug
However, at times, a combination may have to suffice


The side-effects can be debilitating, but carefully weighed, a solution
Most cocktails are written off-label
The majority used as mood stabilizers are often, in fact, for anti-seizures


The need for life-long medication is disheartening
There is no known cure for this condition
At best, one can be at peace with herself


There is a catch-22: the state of mania can be addictive
Because it does allow for creativity
We miss that element when we are in balance


I wish I could be balanced with a touch of mania
I love my creative side; it propels my juices to flow
But you can’t have your cake and eat it too


I never miss the depression; it’s far more than merely a bad hair day
Its very nature is destructive by definition
And often can be life-threatening at worst


The wildest state is the mixed-phase dilemma
Being manic and depressed at the same time
Going for days without sleep, yet wishing for each day to be your last


So, in the end, being balanced becomes a trade-off
The creativity is stifled, yet you strive to live for yet another day
In any event, being bipolar becomes an art form in which to survive.

©2007

An Empty Tank?

Why can’t I forget her?
A relationship that lasted merely one year
One that began to sour after six months
I wanted out but didn’t know how

The beginning and middle were filled with wonderful memories
The latter half with bitter resentment on my part
The betrayal I felt when I gave all that I had
And was given but little in return

Everything around me recalls this past
A full moon, a weather report, items that just jump out of the air
It has been over one year since the “divorce”
How much time must I endure these reminders?

The focus of the memories are negative
I concentrate more on the ending of the relationship
Very abrupt and mean-spirited on her part
I was kicked to the curb in one fell swoop

The emotions of anger and resentment mostly have faded
I wish the recollection of her presence would just disappear
I feel as though my engine is in neutral and I am going nowhere
And want so much to move forward with my life

Yes, there are stretches of time when I don’t think of her at all
I wish those stretches would become more the norm than not
What’s most confounding is that, for some time there was no recollection
Only recently has it resurfaced with a bang

I want so much for the peace and solitude that I have
Not be interrupted with memories of this past
I was enjoying my seclusion, my entombment from the world
What must I do to heal this wound?

I would like to believe that, with more time, the separation will grow
That there will be a greater disconnection from these memories
But for the time being I am flooded with reminders
Ones I’d just as soon forget

Am I being honest with myself and my emotions?
Have I truly not let go of the painful hurt that she has caused?
I want so desperately to be able to look upon the past
As a simple exercise in poor judgment and let it go at that

There have been no other relationships to supplant these intrusions
I have no desire to even entertain this as an option
I feel this season of solitude had been a gift
Until her still-felt presence continues to announce itself

So, in the meantime my thoughts are interrupted
My emotions are not so much in check
I just want what I had before this occurrence
Considering I initially was the one that wanted out

I was unprepared for the wrathful execution
As much as I desired the ultimate separation
The manner in which it was delivered
Was cruel and inhumane, more than I thought possible

Will more time begin to finally heal my heart?
All I ask is that any memory be fleeting at best
Because I gave to her all that I had within me
Perhaps I am just waiting for my tank to refill

©2007

A Pharmacological Dilemma


I feel as though I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. As you know, my psychiatrist added Zyprexa to my cocktail with the intent of trying to wean me off several of my bipolar meds with the hopes of me being successful with one maintenance drug (Lamictal). Lamictal had worked in the past before my bipolar reared its ugly head and I spiraled out of control. However, the Zyprexa has had a major impact on me in that I have gained 25 pounds in two months (it’s widely known that Zyprexa can be a real weight-gainer).

Zyprexa has really had a positive affect on me. I feel I’ve reached a very balanced state. However, at the cost of the weight gain I want to be weaned off that drug. So, my doctor has mentioned adding either Metformin or Phenteramine as a short-term solution to inhibit the weight gain. The Metformin acts on the insulin-producing hormone, while the latter addresses my increased appetite. I am inclined to go with the Phenteramine because it does address my major side-effect of increased appetite. I just feel I am trading off one drug for another. But I really hate the idea of coming off the Zyprexa since it has had such a wonderful impact on my emotional balance.

I don’t know what to do at this stage. I would welcome any feedback from someone who has walked in these shoes.