Survived Another Week

As you may note, the majority of my posts occur during the weekends. I am so busy during the week at work that I am usually too bushed to write anything at that point. Ironic, though, that it is experiences during the week that give me my fodder about which to write.

Never did complete my Six Sigma Yellow Belt this past Tuesday. I was told that the four-course series and final exam (and oh, how I loathe CBT-note-not the therapy…LOL) would take about 5.5-6.0 hours. Well, the first module took me almost eight hours and by the time I finished the second one, I was whipped. I hope to finish it up this coming Tuesday.

Since starting my blog, I’ve had the opportunity to “meet” other bloggers with similar backgrounds to mine. A few of particular note evoke much of the same BP and BPD history. Often, it is like holding a mirror up to my face when I read their posts. I sometimes wonder just how far I’ve wandered off the beaten path only to realize that there are others who wrestle with some of the very same issues.

One of these bloggers, SI, posted an entry with thoughts on the concept of “normality.” I even posted a response that I no longer tried to define what “normal” is anymore. Suffice it to say that it doesn’t apply to me. However, she further went on to discuss contentment and that really gave me pause for thought. This entire past month has been an incredible rollercoaster ride for me. In full throes of both BP and BPD, I was really hanging on by a thread. There were a few times when I was finally ready to just chuck it all. One of my favorite posts by another blogger I read today talked about suicide. In it, Patrick wrote, “People choose suicide when the pain of living is greater than the pain of leaving.” Patrick, I can tell you that I know only too well just how completely reasonable that sounds. But, getting back to contentment—today I feel content. At least it is the word I choose. However, when I look up the actual definition (reasonably happy and satisfied with the way things are), that still wasn’t right. I’m not happy; I am not even sure if I know what that feels like. And, I am certainly not satisfied. However, for me, being content is akin to ebb tide. My emotions have receded momentarily. I’m not manic, nor am I spiraling. I can breathe. Today I am experiencing what I call my pause button. I have no earthly idea what comes next: fear? panic? mania? desolation? euphoria? terror? I have no clue. I just know that for right now, I feel none of those. And that is a good thing.

Moments like these don’t last very long; more often, they are only the harbinger of another phase shift. Bur for now, for today, I’ll take it and sweat the bullets later.©2009