A Measure of Hope

I don’t where to start with this one, but in so many of my posts, I have demonstrated extreme rage towards my pastor. I have also invalidated another person with whom I’d grown very close to over the course of our friendship (she is the one who brought me those nifty tools to use to keep me safe at night during my midnight walks even while vilifying her).

As much as I have disparaged my pastor publically via this venue, there is something else I must do equally as public. I realized that I had to let go of all of the anger and hostility I have felt towards him. In addition, I have to come to understand how valuable my friendship is with him. I recognize that these emotions and thoughts regarding both of these individuals were irrational.

Today marks one month since I tried to commit suicide. This afternoon they came over to my house at my request. I needed to apologize to both of them for the unkind ways in which I treated them through my various posts. I realize now that their only motivation is one of compassion and concern. I didn’t see that in the midst of my turmoil. For the first time, I believed that it was possible for someone to care for me that much. I have to learn to accept that at face value—it is what it is. To know in my heart that their friendship and just as important, their acceptance of who I am while wrestling with BP and BPD, is a hard concept for me to accept. Nevertheless, I believed everything supportive and loving they said to me.

Having rejected everyone—by any means necessary—letting these two individuals back into my life brings me a measure of hope that I haven’t felt before. I discovered that I can use these tools to overcome at least one of my BPD hurdles.  Today I took off my mask, even if it was for a little while©2009

The Golf Game

Living your life is a lot like playing a game of golf. God would love it if we were to tee off our day with strength and confidence through Him. We have that ability when we are in God’s word before the day ever starts and have that “alone time” with Him with fervent prayer.

God also wants us to choose the narrow path of righteousness, so let Him order your steps as you drive your ball straight down the fairway. Don’t look to the world for answers, or seek its advice, otherwise you may find yourself in the rough along the tree line. You might find yourself tempted to take the easy way out by cheating to give yourself a better lie. Christians today must strive to keep their lives pure, refusing the sinful allurements of the world around them to compromise their life

Be careful here because bunkers are sure to abound. Not all sand shots are impossible. Some may be right on the lip requiring a mere chip shot onto the green, while others may be buried right in the middle surrounded by huge barriers. Balls in the sand are almost like our sins. A lot of people might construe this analogy that the one on the edge is a little sin and the one buried in the middle is a big sin. But God doesn’t see it that way. To Him, all sins are the same—none worse that the other. More easily said is disobedience of any kind is still disobedience.

The bunker offers another view of our perception of sin. Perhaps we don’t realize that the easy chip shot onto the green is even a sin at all. This is when we are most vulnerable to the enemy’s attack. After a while, these “little sins” may become common everyday occurrences and we don’t even realize we are sinning. That is why we must ask God to help us search our hearts for all sins in our lives. On the other hand, you may say that it’s obvious that the ball stuck in the middle is a “big sin,” one easily identifiable. But this, too, can be a weapon of the enemy. We may be lulled into the sense of “what’s the use” because we have sinned so greatly, how could God ever forgive us. That’s exactly what the enemy wants us to believe—that we are unworthy of God’s love and forgiveness and lose sight of the greatest act of forgiveness at Mount Calvary.

Not all holes are par 3s. Some require greater effort at sticking to the straight and narrow. And, every now and then a few blessings along the way surround us with a birdie here and an eagle there. Those are our successful steps forward. But life isn’t laid out so neatly. A nice dogleg to the left may leave you with a bogey or two, but part of living our lives comes with risks, and with risks we sometimes experience some steps backward.

So, we are down to two choices. We can be handicapped with God’s incredible grace, or the beguiling nature of the enemy. The old adage of “it’s not winning or losing that matters; it’s how you play the game” comes here into play. Is your life’s game on par with His plans for your life?©2007