10 November 2009

A Measure of Hope

I don’t where to start with this one, but in so many of my posts, I have demonstrated extreme rage towards my pastor. I have also invalidated another person with whom I’d grown very close to over the course of our friendship (she is the one who brought me those nifty tools to use to keep me safe at night during my midnight walks even while vilifying her).

As much as I have disparaged my pastor publically via this venue, there is something else I must do equally as public. I realized that I had to let go of all of the anger and hostility I have felt towards him. In addition, I have to come to understand how valuable my friendship is with him. I recognize that these emotions and thoughts regarding both of these individuals were irrational.

Today marks one month since I tried to commit suicide. This afternoon they came over to my house at my request. I needed to apologize to both of them for the unkind ways in which I treated them through my various posts. I realize now that their only motivation is one of compassion and concern. I didn’t see that in the midst of my turmoil. For the first time, I believed that it was possible for someone to care for me that much. I have to learn to accept that at face value—it is what it is. To know in my heart that their friendship and just as important, their acceptance of who I am while wrestling with BP and BPD, is a hard concept for me to accept. Nevertheless, I believed everything supportive and loving they said to me.

Having rejected everyone—by any means necessary—letting these two individuals back into my life brings me a measure of hope that I haven’t felt before. I discovered that I can use these tools to overcome at least one of my BPD hurdles.  Today I took off my mask, even if it was for a little while©2009


  1. At the risk of sounding horribly patronising (I'm sorry if so), youshould give yourself a big pat on the back for being able to forgive these people and indeed in your ability to apologise and accept that you might have hurt them.

    Whether your rage was rational is in some ways irrelevant; it was still very real and raw, and overcoming that - especially in such a short timeframe - is, in my view, a big deal.

    Between this reconciliation and your positive attitude to to your new therapist, I hope you can maybe see a *little* chink of light at the end of the tunnel (that is not an oncoming train :p).

    I don't think getting through the next months will necessarily be easy obviously, especially when you struggle as I do with the attitude of not wanting to get better. But you should feel encouraged, I hope, about your future ability to manage all this shit on a day to day basis.

    Thinking of you - take care of yourself :-)

    SI x

  2. No, you are not being patronising whatsoever—my problem is that I do not *see* the changes; I do not feel as though I have made up any ground. However, in this specific case, I actually was able to use those stupid DBT tools: radical acceptance and opposite action. I feel as though that was my one shot. I did this out of respect for these two individuals. I hold them both in high regard that allowed me to be able to use these tools. Your comment in the other post about whether the emotions felt are irrational—you are right, they are still very real and very raw.

    Take care, my dear. x

  3. I am sooo very proud of you Alix! This is like taking 10 steps forward instead of just one. (one is still huge of course!) P.s Fab music;)

  4. Thank you for your kind words, Blissseeker! Also, I thought you'd like the music ;)

  5. hmmm taking off the mask, but mines really pretty lol...sounds great though you were able to use the skills, after my last one was fresh it was so hard to move forward again (course mine was complicated by therapists im not mastered enough to handle borderline pd douches)...just a part of borderline to push ppl away at points in time but you tried to reconcile that instead of just forgetting them forever which is a very good step for being able for you to support them and them to support you...

  6. Will, all I can say every morning when I do wake up (if given the rare opportunity to get 2 hrs of sleep) considering what my mental state is often the night before, is that I have bought myself another 24 hours. And for those hours that stretch over so long until evening when I am most vulnerable, then it's an hour-by-hour process. As one of my fellow bloggers has said, it is only my life, what do I have to lose? This time, the tools worked because I *needed* them to. Most often, my mental state is that I do not want to use the damn tools, all a part of BPD. That in itself is the conundrum faced by those of us with BPD—it becomes a vicious circle that just tears away at itself the minute you *think* you are making progress. (btw, my mask has "fuck you" written all over it so I can fake that smile all the while keeping the hounds at bay.)

  7. One of the biggest obstacles to forming "friendships" when we have borderline personality disorder, is to find people who understand the "I love you, I hate you" see saw emotions that envelop many of us. I gave my stepmom a book on BPD so she could try to understand - at least she read the book - my MOM, wouldn't try to read or understand - shows why I left her house.

  8. Patrick, believe it or not, I actually have a book titled "I Love You, I Hate You!" I agree with you 1000%.

  9. you know i think a book called types of borderline mothers might come in handy for a nice christmas present lol...its horrible...you'd think a circle will be nice until you're stuck in it, i don't like to use the tools either but i guess ive been this way for awhile so i use the tools a lot of times without thinking about it until i need them and concentrate on doing them...odd..well i was trying to say good job at sanity or posing sanity or dbt or whatev...hard to do when your mentality is just so raw...oh and my mask depends on the day but the usual is f-ed up clown face...fuck you on your forehead reminds me a lot of middle school..hmmm lol

  10. I'm not yet to the point where I can do anything automatically. For me, it's like planning a road trip—if I need to do something that is very unpleasant or puts me wa-a-ay out of my comfort zone (which is easily “leave me the fuck alone:), I have to go to all my handouts I get in group therapy and determine which tool I need to use and then role play by myself and practice it. It’s a good thing I live alone, or, God forbid, someone might I’m mental…lol.

  11. Another book - specificially on BPD - is 'I Hate You Don't Leave Me'. Well, quite. (If anyone is curious, the book is quite well-written, not like most of the wanky nonsense written for laypeople on borderline. "Feeeeelll at one with yourself....Peeeeeace...DBT....reeeeecoooovvvverrrrryyyyy..." - Yes, because I have the IQ of an unborn fly, thank you. Having said that, it is slightly negative in its tone towards affected individuals).

    I think it's got to the point in my therapy where the shrink doesn't even bother with DBT anymore - at least, not ostensibly. Certainly, he wants me to get to the point where I do accept (a), (b) and (c) - I will argue I already do, of course, but I do accept that in subconscious terms, that might be bollocks - but he's pursuing that through more psychodynamic means at the minute, which is much, much better for me. More subtle, more exploratory, less patronising.

    I suppose from a similar standpoint, Alix, it is useful to be able to have these tools at your disposal, but it is also a good thing that your new therapist is not exclusively devoted to DBT. Maybe in some amorphous sort of way the group therapy can compliment your individual work, though if you're anything like me (and I think we are so often on the same wavelength), you'll find the individual therapy more of a mainstay of treatment. Not that it's without its problems, as well you know!


  12. SI, I actually have this book, but have not yet read it. Having said what you did, I will pick it up today and start reading it, however negative. It’s a short book; I should be able to polish it off today. Your rendition of most BPD reference material is, as you said, wanky nonsense, and your descriptions is absolutely hilarious, yet so spot on.

    The tools themselves sound good on paper—using them is a whole other ballgame, especially with me, because when I set my mind to whatever depressed or irrational state I am in, I just plaint don’t want to use the tools. Another vicious cycle with BPD.

    My group therapy is only a short-term requisite for discharge; I should be finished up with it by the end of this month. That being said, if I don’t show measurable improvement, they may extend it. I do believe it will complement the individual therapy; however, I do agree that I think I will derive greater benefit from the one-on-one experience. Not being drenched in DBT, perhaps I will reach a point where I can begin to move forward. Drawbacks are to be expected, but knowing that will give me greater flexibility of expression. xx