Queer? Christian? Both??

After spending so much time online this weekend, I first thought that I was only more confused than I already was. I’ve read multiple blogs, sampled many YouTube videos and felt I could not come up with a solution that I could live with in my heart. But, it actually took putting this all down in words to more firmly cement the decisions that I’ve made with apologies to no one.

I read and listened to the gay community’s input that one can be Christian and queer, inclusive of maintaining their relationships with their partners. Many churches are gay affirming that embrace the whole person.

I spent equal time researching the Christians’ input. Their position holds that the bible is the inherent word of God, and as such, accepts the passages that decry homosexuality as a sin. (Let me clarify right now that I did not give any credence to Focus on the Family’s James Dobson’s diatribe on his vitriolic exhortation that we as Americans must protect “our family values” as his lead-in to a treatise on gay bashing).

All Christians, gay or straight will also say that we are all sinners, that none of us lives a perfected life free from sin.

I am a lesbian. I am also wholly committed to seeking after God with all my heart and soul. To that end, I am still human, still a sinner. I have that glorious opportunity to seek after God for the redemption of my sins. But, this brings up the wrinkle for me. I hunger to live my life as holy as I can which speaks to my ability to place obedience to God above all else. This is where the concept of repentance comes in. God expects us to ask for forgiveness of our sins but also to repent (“I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance." Luke 5:32). Repentance can be defined as consisting of (1) a true sense of one's own guilt and sinfulness; (2) an actual hatred of sin (Ps. 119:128; Job 42:5, 6; 2 Cor. 7:10) and turning from it to God; and (3) a persistent endeavor after a holy life in a walking with God in the way of His commandments. Having this knowledge tells me that it is not acceptable to continue to repeat sins continually and then always asking for forgiveness every single night knowing that we are going to be committing that same sin tomorrow.

I personally do believe that the bible is the one true word of God—all of it, not just the passages that I can swallow. For me, it’s an all-or-nothing precept. Yes, the Evangelical fundamentalists take the same stand and that is why I cringe when they use particular passages to damn us all to hell. God loves me, provides for me, protects me and makes a way for me. And yet, at the same time, this very same God is a just God. The time will come to pass when we will each be held accountable for our actions. God does not expect us to be perfect, but he does require obedience. Being obedient is to follow His word. I always keep coming back to two verses that became life changing for me. “1 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. 2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” (Romans 12:1-2).  These verses became my measuring stick by how I live my life now. I hunger to hear God tell me, “well done, my good and faithful servant.”

To that end, I made a very difficult decision in order to honor the concept of repentance and live my life according to Romans 12:1-2. Yes, I am a lesbian. There was no choice to be made that defined me as one just as there is no choice to be made to be straight. I accept that sexual sin defined in the bible speaks of all sexual sin, gay and straight. As a result, I am presenting my body as a living sacrifice to God by choosing to be celibate. I’ve also sacrificed my entire social network. I was a very radical, out-in-your-face dyke. To willingly walk away from all that which identified who I was before I came to know the Lord meant losing my community, my friends, and my relationships.

I have been scorned by many in the gay community. I have been accused of casting judgment upon them just because of a personal decision I made for myself. Did I undergo reparative therapy? Absolutely not. I still identify myself as a lesbian, but more like an ambassador without papers. I will never be straight for all that this label means. It will mean that I will live the rest of my life without being in a loving, committed relationship with another person. That’s my sacrifice back to God. My one true desire is to live my life according to God’s will for me, wherever that takes me. This year, the one big lesson I learned was what it means to truly lay everything at His feet and to trust in Him alone. My family values are just fine. After all, I am a child of God.©2009

My Own Personal Miracle

I have had the awesome experience of seeing God work a miracle in my life right in front of me. I got to see His fingerprints in my life just as it was occurring.

After my company announced reorganization in February of this year, I knew from then on that my head was on the chopping block. Then, On May 5th, I received the fatal news that I was to be laid off. The company was gracious to give me 60 days to try to find another job in the company if I qualified.

My manager did an extraordinary job of trying to find another account I could work with that utilized my skill set, but my only prayer at that point was to follow after God’s will. If His will involved me staying at the same company, then I asked him to open the necessary doors. However, time and again, every time my manager thought he had something in the works for me, all those doors closed.

I was literally frozen in place, as it had been 16 years since I had to actually look for another job. I felt woefully unprepared in how to set out on this journey, so I placed all my trust in God, as I knew in my heart that He would ultimately provide for me in His time.

Well, the 60-day grace period was fast coming to an end. I had a personal friend (not a co-worker) that had worked for this company for 30 years and I let her know what my situation was. Within one week, she contacted me and told me that her department had just authorized two new positions. She felt as if I had the proper skill set and encouraged me to post for it. When I read the description online, while I did meet the necessary qualifications, it was in an area far from my expertise, but what did I have to lose. With only one week left on the payroll, I took the chance and posted for the job. In two days, that hiring manager called to indicate that he wanted to interview me as he just completed reading my résumé. He also told me that time was of the essence as he was leaving to go out of town the next day and wouldn’t be coming back until after I was off of the payroll.

As these 60 days drew to a close, I told God that if it was His will to have me leave this company (and therefore becoming unemployed and knowing that I would lose my house and everything), I was willing to be obedient to Him as I knew I was not walking down this road alone. The idea of losing everything that I had was a scary thought, but the lesson God was trying to teach me with this experience was learning what it meant to truly trust and rely on Him for everything. I looked at the supreme example taught me in the Bible where God sacrificed everything by losing His Son so that we would gain eternal salvation. Look how that situation turned out. Jesus, in losing everything, gained even more in return. Jesus gave up His life for me so that I could receive that ultimate gift of forgiveness. How could I do anything less?

With three days left to go, the hiring manager extended that job offer to me and I was able to seamlessly move from one position to the next with no loss of pay. They say that God’s timing is always perfect, but, in my eyes, He was really cutting it close! I know in my heart that God orchestrated everything and again proved just how much He loved me by standing on His promise to be by my side always.

Most of my co-workers debunked my beliefs throughout this ordeal, but my faith steadfastly stood ground. I finally knew what it meant to trust in God and that was never more evident to me by the events that ensued from the day I was laid off., and by the gift of Him giving me a peace that passed all understanding, even if it meant that I would become homeless.

He honored my prayer in requesting only that I abide by His will: to stay with that company, or to lose this job and start from scratch. This particular door was suddenly opened for me and the end result was receiving a new job with exactly the same salary and working conditions, although it meant that I had a horde of new responsibilities and areas for which had to be trained.

Well, I have been in this new job for two months now. This new job is quite overwhelming to me as there is a host of responsibilities that I have to learn. While the learning curve is quite high and that the bar has been set for some pretty spectacular expectations; however, the bottom line is that I still trust God. He blessed me with this opportunity and I have to believe that He will equip me to perform this job in order to give me an incredible testimony of God’s power in my life.

It is now my hope that God will use me to comfort those who are currently walking in my shoes. While I have never been quite so comfortable preaching to someone about how God can change lives, I can, however, speak from my heart and tell of a wonderful experience I received directly from God. People can argue all day long about religious dogma and theological positions, but no one can take away my first-hand experience of revealing how God touched me in a very real and personal way.

Are you facing a job loss? Do you feel that the entire world is against you? Are you in absolute fear of losing everything? Trust me when I tell you that this doesn’t have to be the case. Whether you believe in God or not, I know in my heart for a fact that He performed my own personal miracle. My views on God’s presence in my life was forever altered by this journey–one I am hoping God will use to allow me to share my story.©2009