Joy in the Face of Circumstances?

Well, I did not throw up and I did go to church. I was sweating bullets through Praise and Worship while standing; I had no energy whatsoever and was hanging on to everything I had just to be there. My exhaustion is so overwhelming.

Pastor preached on maintaining your joy despite whatever circumstances you are going through. I’ve been there before. After I was laid off, I knew in my heart that the Lord would provide for me and just pressed onward. Sure, there were many times when I was curled up like a baby on the floor of my bedroom in utter agony not knowing what the next day would bring, yet I was still able to focus on all of the good things with which the Lord had already blessed me. That focus brought me the strength I needed to endure the unknown at the time. And that strength was my joy. Sometimes it was just enough to know that I could trust in Him to make it through.

The scripture referenced this morning was found throughout Philippians 4. Key points: 1) learn to avoid comparisons. There will always be others that fare better than you. This will inevitably spawn the “fairness” questions back to God. One comment that hit home is that the mortality rate for the human being is 100%. So, what do we do with ourselves in the meantime? What do we set our eyes upon? 2) It is a myth that I must be liked in order to be happy. Well, that’s a hard one with which to grapple. I am alone. I am unhappy. No, not everyone I will come across will like me. Truth be told, I easily piss off most people. And you’ve read my rave reviews I’ve received from my immediate family in Birthday Cards. Pastor said that all I should be concerned with is that I please God. Well, I’m in trouble here. I acknowledge that I am a lesbian (albeit celibate, although I’m not sure if that isn’t just splitting hairs). Certainly that isn’t looked upon as being pleasing (no, I’m not going to drag all the biblical references to prove that one). I also run right smack into the two verses that I have really tried so hard to pattern my life after. So, where am I really as far as the conforming and the transforming? Am I really just a poser? 3) Pray for what can be changed and accept that which cannot be changed Phil 4:6-7. Again, another sticking point. I don’t believe being queer is a choice, so what can be changed there? Also, what about the whole bipolar shtick? It’s not something to be cured. Do I believe that God has the power to heal? Yes, I do. Will He cure me? Who knows? All I do know right now is that I am bipolar which drives to the very heart of so much that is wrong with my life. 4) Learn to accept God’s power in that there are circumstances that I can’t face alone 2 Cor 12:9.  5) Learning to allow for God’s provision Phil 4:18-19.  Both points 4 and 5 I’ve experienced first hand. I have seen God’s fingerprint on my life in such a way that it defies all other explanation (see My Own Personal Miracle elsewhere in this blog). 6) God will give you all you need if you put Him first in your life Matt 6:31-33.  This point comes with that great caveat: IF you put Him first. Do I? I am consumed with the by-products of being bipolar. I am consumed with wrestling with the concept of being Christian and queer. Am I just wrestling with the concept of being queer? Is it internalized homophobia? No, I don’t think that’s it. If anything, all of my life I’ve been a radical, in-your-face butch dyke.

If I try to follow my heart, I know His word tells me that so much of what I am internalizing are just the lies of the devil, but the bipolar keeps getting in the way. I can’t keep all these racing thoughts straight in my head. So, I end up not knowing what’s real and what isn’t. It’s information overload. I am drowning in the sea of “oughts” and “ams.”—who I should be vs. who I am. Am I who I should be? Why can’t I answer that question?©2009

Queer-Who Dares to State That This Is a Choice?

I am so tired of right-winged Christian fundamentalists decrying that being queer is a “lifestyle choice.” Watching this video should only further convince an intelligent person that this simply is not so. I have to ask…Why in the world would people CHOOSE to live their life knowing that its very being would pit themselves up against the potential for attacks in any form. Everything was different pre-Stonewall. It was all behind closed doors, yet as the times changed and more lesbians and gays ventured into their underworld to meet together among themselves, they only faced dire retribution from local police departments that had nothing better than to raid these establishments where the sole intent was to beat and humiliate the patronage. These weren’t merely situations where the cops raided only to “rough up” or scare the queer patrons. The focus was to cause pure physical torture. The cops took delight in trying to catch anyone in drag (there was a stupid rule on the books about the minimum number of “female” clothing pieces a woman had to be wearing at all times). If she was dare caught dressed in drag, she was violently yanked from the assembled, pulled into the house and stripped by the cops, often ridiculed, but more often raped by their batons to “teach” her a lesson. Males dressed in drag were treated with equal torture. This was allowed to go on with the complicit knowledge of the police administration in an effort to “clean up the streets.” Queers were beaten and tortured within inches of their lives to the sick pleasure of the police. I’ve place the link from Wikipedia that clearly captures the culture change leading up to the Stonewall Riots and its aftermath http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stonewall_riots.

I encourage you to read this to glean a true understanding of what we have all gone through and where we have arrived.  Such as it is, we are all still fighting for the very simple right to peacefully co-exist and have access to the same rights and privileges of straight couples—rights and privileges often mandated by protected legal rulings (health benefits, pensions, tax credits, recognition of family status, death benefits, the list is endless). We are not asking for special rights, merely equal rights currently being denied under the guise of the Christian right-winged fundamentalist’s push to decry that queer couples openly defy the word of God, and by that very statement, must be denied any rights conferred upon what is automatically given by virtue of a marriage license. I won’t exhaust all of the arguments that have been far more eloquently argued elsewhere, but suffice it to say that this country’s categorical stance on Family Values (thanks in part to the horrific diatribes by James Dobson of Focus on the Family with his queer-bashing campaigns over the many years), is tearing at the very fabric of what makes up more than 10% of our population. You can’t read that link or the video above and still come away with the idea that to be queer is a choice.

While a few states have enacted their own rulings that would confer upon same-sex couples certain rights and privileges as straight couples, there are still only a few (see those listed below). Almost as soon as some individual states began seeking same-sex partnership status of some fashion (civil unions, marriage, etc), other states quickly jumped on the bandwagon to place laws into effect acknowledging marriage as existing only between one man and one woman, thus disavowing the ability of one state to accept with full faith and credit any rulings and legal decisions made by other states. Moreover, you still have the Federal DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act) hanging over our heads. No matter what a state may decide, it is not accepted at the federal level. Therefore, while I might qualify to file a joint state return with my spouse in Massachusetts, I cannot file a joint federal return (or reap any federal benefits).

1. 10/10/08: In a 4 to 3 decision, the Connecticut Supreme Court overturned the state's ban on same-sex marriage, making it the third state to allow legal gay marriage.

2. 6/15/09: The D.C. Board of Elections and Ethics rejected an effort to hold a referendum on whether Washington should recognize same-sex marriages performed elsewhere. The move is a victory for gay rights advocates. If Congress, which has final say over laws approved in Washington D.C., doesn't weigh in on the city council vote in favor of same-sex marriages granted outside of the District by July of 2009 the measure will become law.

3. 6/3/09: New Hampshire became the sixth U.S. state to legalize same-sex marriage. The legislation includes a provision that allows churches, their employees and religious groups to decline to officiate at same-sex marriages. The law takes effect January 1, 2010.
4. 10/25/06: New Jersey lawmakers were given 180 days to draft a bill that would give same-sex couples equal rights of marriage. The mandate from the State Supreme Court was clear, but lawmakers were challenged with what to actually call the new gay unions- marriage or an equivalent term with the same rights. Less than 60 days after the landmark ruling, the New Jersey legislature approved a bill that will create civil unions for same-sex couples. Democratic Gov. Jon Corzine singed the bill, making New Jersey the third state to offer civil unions behind Vermont and Connecticut. The law took effect February 19, 2007.

5. 5/13/09: The New York State Assembly passed a bill on Tuesday with a vote of 82 to 52 in favor of same-sex marriage. The vote is one of two needed to legalize gay marriage in the state. The bill must pass the Senate, which has a slim Democratic majority.

6. 5/6/09: Gov. John Baldacci signed a bill legalizing same-sex marriage in Maine, making the state the fifth in the U.S. to allow gay and lesbian couples to marry. The bill authorizes marriage between any two people rather than between one man and one woman. Gov. Bladdacci previously opposed gay marriage, but switched his position citing fairness and equal protection for all citizens in Maine. However, this November, there is a question o the ballot that in part will read, “Do you want to reject the new law that lets same-sex couples marry?” Maine faces a potential problem with their new bill being voted out.

7. 7/15/08: With the repeal of Bill 1913, which prohibited out of state residents from marrying in Massachusetts, both same-sex couples that reside in Massachusetts and out-of-state couples can legally marry in the State of Massachusetts.

8. 9/1/09: A new statewide same-sex marriage law took effect at 12am, making Vermont the fourth state in America where gay marriage is legally recognized.

9. 4/3/09: The Iowa Supreme Court made history on April 3, 2009 with a unanimous ruling, making Iowa the 3rd state to allow same-sex marriages. The state county attorney has stated that he will not seek a rehearing. In the case, Varnum v. Brien, the court says, "state laws prohibiting marriage on the basis of the partners' gender are unconstitutional." Tom Head over at About: Civil Liberties gives the top questions and answers about the same-sex marriage ruling in Iowa.

10. 8/3/09: Gay and lesbian couples began registering for domestic partnership in Wisconsin, granting them 43 rights associated with marriage including hospital visitation and estate planning. The measure was included in Governor Jim Doyle's biannual state budget that was approved by lawmakers. Voters banned same-sex marriage in Wisconsin in 2006. August 21, 2009: Wisconsin Attorney General John Byron “J.B.” Van Hollen said he would not defend the state's gay-inclusive domestic partnership registry, calling it unconstitutional. Wisconsin Family Action (WFA) and the Christian-based Alliance Defense Fund (ADF) have asked the state Supreme Court to strike down the law.

11. 5/9/07: Under Oregon's domestic partnership law, signed by Governor Ted Kulongoski, gay and lesbian couples are eligible for all the state-wide rights and benefits of marriage. The law went into effect on February 4, 2008, after a court delay. Oregon also outlaws discrimination based on sexual orientation.

12. 4/15/09: The Washington State Legislature expanded domestic partnership laws to cover "everything but marriage." 4/21/07: Washington's domestic partnership bill, State Registered Domestic Partnerships (SRDP), was signed into law. The measure succeeded by a vote of 65-35 only a year after the state Supreme Court upheld Washington's Defense of Marriage Act banning same-sex marriage.

13. 5/26/09: The California Supreme Court upheld Proposition 8, reinforcing the ban on same-sex marriage, but ordered that the marriages of the 18,000 couples married prior to the gay marriage ban be recognized.

14. 8/24/09: Same-sex couples began pre-registration for domestic partnerships in Nevada for a period of one month, as announced Secretary of State Ross Miller. Registered domestic partnered same-sex couples are granted limited rights such as hospital visitation rights, estate planning and shared responsibility for debt. However, employers are not required to offer health care benefits to same-sex partners.

15. 9/17/09: A group of Congress members introduced a bill this week in the U.S. House that seeks to repeal the federal ban on same-sex marriage. U.S. Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-N.Y.) introduced the Respect for Marriage Act in the U.S. House Sept. 15 along with 91 cosponsors, including openly gay lead sponsors Reps. Tammy Baldwin (D-Wisc.) and Jared Polis (D-Colo.), making this the first time legislation has been introduced to repeal the Defense of Marriage Act since its 1996 passage.

So, help me understand that word “choice” again?©2009

The Queer Rollercoaster Ride

I spent a good deal of time thinking about where my life was even only three or so years ago. I was a hard-living, radical, in your face, out and proud Dyke, an absolute butch from the word go. I was as politically active as I could be. At that time, there was an amendment up for vote that year to recognize marriage in this grand southern state of SC of being only between a man and woman. Never mind that DOMA already exists at the federal level. No, SC has to insert its Bob Jones spin all on its own. This amendment would also deny any rights conferred upon queer couples from other states. Yes, the amendment passed on a landslide scale (no surprise there). Yes, folks, I am so proud to be living in this bleeding red state.

I’m back to my state of unknown identity. Who the hell am I? I have been butch all my life. It’s how I have always seen myself—how I’ve always presented myself to the world. Now, I feel like I’m back in this no-man’s-land. My struggle to reconcile being queer and Christian rears its ugly head today. One day, I can so clearly seem to make a decision on what I want to do about that, and yet today, I do a full 180. I miss who I was, my friends, my politics. And there isn’t a soul who could possibly understand this conundrum. Anyone I knew back then has already told me that they thought my decision to turn my back on my queer identity would only cause me grief…a true forewarning, to be sure. To hear “I told you so.” is not something I want to face. I knew they were all right then, and now, look at me, they still are.

One dear friend back then, my closest political ally, looked me right in the face and warned me that if I didn’t stand firm and embrace my queer identity, I would only end up back where I find myself right now. I wonder what she would tell me now. Was my choice to turn away from my queer identity in order to accept the mantle of my Christian beliefs only fueling the BP? Now, mind you, this isn’t the first time I tried to make this decision. The only other time I walked away from the queer community, my identity, my everything in order to accept of what I believed to be the tenets of the Christian way of life I believed to be right and true only landed me right into the psych ward, BP in full-blown mode, with a suicide attempt under my belt.

I just can’t sort out who I am anymore: a lesbian? someone with BP? A Christian?

Despite how some of my previous blogs have reflected what amounted to having finally made up my mind regarding who I am, this morning, the questions rear their ugly heads once again and I feel as though I am back to square one. In utter honesty, I grieve over the loss of my butch identity, my place among my gay social networking group, and yes, even being able to explore dating once again.

After doing exhaustive research online, and recalling conversations with other Lesbians, every queer person I’ve known or read about publically affirms their Christianity. They believe that they can have both. Why can I not arrive at the same decision-making process that allows me to conclude the same position?©2009

Queer? Christian? Both??

After spending so much time online this weekend, I first thought that I was only more confused than I already was. I’ve read multiple blogs, sampled many YouTube videos and felt I could not come up with a solution that I could live with in my heart. But, it actually took putting this all down in words to more firmly cement the decisions that I’ve made with apologies to no one.

I read and listened to the gay community’s input that one can be Christian and queer, inclusive of maintaining their relationships with their partners. Many churches are gay affirming that embrace the whole person.

I spent equal time researching the Christians’ input. Their position holds that the bible is the inherent word of God, and as such, accepts the passages that decry homosexuality as a sin. (Let me clarify right now that I did not give any credence to Focus on the Family’s James Dobson’s diatribe on his vitriolic exhortation that we as Americans must protect “our family values” as his lead-in to a treatise on gay bashing).

All Christians, gay or straight will also say that we are all sinners, that none of us lives a perfected life free from sin.

I am a lesbian. I am also wholly committed to seeking after God with all my heart and soul. To that end, I am still human, still a sinner. I have that glorious opportunity to seek after God for the redemption of my sins. But, this brings up the wrinkle for me. I hunger to live my life as holy as I can which speaks to my ability to place obedience to God above all else. This is where the concept of repentance comes in. God expects us to ask for forgiveness of our sins but also to repent (“I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance." Luke 5:32). Repentance can be defined as consisting of (1) a true sense of one's own guilt and sinfulness; (2) an actual hatred of sin (Ps. 119:128; Job 42:5, 6; 2 Cor. 7:10) and turning from it to God; and (3) a persistent endeavor after a holy life in a walking with God in the way of His commandments. Having this knowledge tells me that it is not acceptable to continue to repeat sins continually and then always asking for forgiveness every single night knowing that we are going to be committing that same sin tomorrow.

I personally do believe that the bible is the one true word of God—all of it, not just the passages that I can swallow. For me, it’s an all-or-nothing precept. Yes, the Evangelical fundamentalists take the same stand and that is why I cringe when they use particular passages to damn us all to hell. God loves me, provides for me, protects me and makes a way for me. And yet, at the same time, this very same God is a just God. The time will come to pass when we will each be held accountable for our actions. God does not expect us to be perfect, but he does require obedience. Being obedient is to follow His word. I always keep coming back to two verses that became life changing for me. “1 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. 2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” (Romans 12:1-2).  These verses became my measuring stick by how I live my life now. I hunger to hear God tell me, “well done, my good and faithful servant.”

To that end, I made a very difficult decision in order to honor the concept of repentance and live my life according to Romans 12:1-2. Yes, I am a lesbian. There was no choice to be made that defined me as one just as there is no choice to be made to be straight. I accept that sexual sin defined in the bible speaks of all sexual sin, gay and straight. As a result, I am presenting my body as a living sacrifice to God by choosing to be celibate. I’ve also sacrificed my entire social network. I was a very radical, out-in-your-face dyke. To willingly walk away from all that which identified who I was before I came to know the Lord meant losing my community, my friends, and my relationships.

I have been scorned by many in the gay community. I have been accused of casting judgment upon them just because of a personal decision I made for myself. Did I undergo reparative therapy? Absolutely not. I still identify myself as a lesbian, but more like an ambassador without papers. I will never be straight for all that this label means. It will mean that I will live the rest of my life without being in a loving, committed relationship with another person. That’s my sacrifice back to God. My one true desire is to live my life according to God’s will for me, wherever that takes me. This year, the one big lesson I learned was what it means to truly lay everything at His feet and to trust in Him alone. My family values are just fine. After all, I am a child of God.©2009