Queer? Christian? Both??

After spending so much time online this weekend, I first thought that I was only more confused than I already was. I’ve read multiple blogs, sampled many YouTube videos and felt I could not come up with a solution that I could live with in my heart. But, it actually took putting this all down in words to more firmly cement the decisions that I’ve made with apologies to no one.

I read and listened to the gay community’s input that one can be Christian and queer, inclusive of maintaining their relationships with their partners. Many churches are gay affirming that embrace the whole person.

I spent equal time researching the Christians’ input. Their position holds that the bible is the inherent word of God, and as such, accepts the passages that decry homosexuality as a sin. (Let me clarify right now that I did not give any credence to Focus on the Family’s James Dobson’s diatribe on his vitriolic exhortation that we as Americans must protect “our family values” as his lead-in to a treatise on gay bashing).

All Christians, gay or straight will also say that we are all sinners, that none of us lives a perfected life free from sin.

I am a lesbian. I am also wholly committed to seeking after God with all my heart and soul. To that end, I am still human, still a sinner. I have that glorious opportunity to seek after God for the redemption of my sins. But, this brings up the wrinkle for me. I hunger to live my life as holy as I can which speaks to my ability to place obedience to God above all else. This is where the concept of repentance comes in. God expects us to ask for forgiveness of our sins but also to repent (“I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance." Luke 5:32). Repentance can be defined as consisting of (1) a true sense of one's own guilt and sinfulness; (2) an actual hatred of sin (Ps. 119:128; Job 42:5, 6; 2 Cor. 7:10) and turning from it to God; and (3) a persistent endeavor after a holy life in a walking with God in the way of His commandments. Having this knowledge tells me that it is not acceptable to continue to repeat sins continually and then always asking for forgiveness every single night knowing that we are going to be committing that same sin tomorrow.

I personally do believe that the bible is the one true word of God—all of it, not just the passages that I can swallow. For me, it’s an all-or-nothing precept. Yes, the Evangelical fundamentalists take the same stand and that is why I cringe when they use particular passages to damn us all to hell. God loves me, provides for me, protects me and makes a way for me. And yet, at the same time, this very same God is a just God. The time will come to pass when we will each be held accountable for our actions. God does not expect us to be perfect, but he does require obedience. Being obedient is to follow His word. I always keep coming back to two verses that became life changing for me. “1 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. 2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” (Romans 12:1-2).  These verses became my measuring stick by how I live my life now. I hunger to hear God tell me, “well done, my good and faithful servant.”

To that end, I made a very difficult decision in order to honor the concept of repentance and live my life according to Romans 12:1-2. Yes, I am a lesbian. There was no choice to be made that defined me as one just as there is no choice to be made to be straight. I accept that sexual sin defined in the bible speaks of all sexual sin, gay and straight. As a result, I am presenting my body as a living sacrifice to God by choosing to be celibate. I’ve also sacrificed my entire social network. I was a very radical, out-in-your-face dyke. To willingly walk away from all that which identified who I was before I came to know the Lord meant losing my community, my friends, and my relationships.

I have been scorned by many in the gay community. I have been accused of casting judgment upon them just because of a personal decision I made for myself. Did I undergo reparative therapy? Absolutely not. I still identify myself as a lesbian, but more like an ambassador without papers. I will never be straight for all that this label means. It will mean that I will live the rest of my life without being in a loving, committed relationship with another person. That’s my sacrifice back to God. My one true desire is to live my life according to God’s will for me, wherever that takes me. This year, the one big lesson I learned was what it means to truly lay everything at His feet and to trust in Him alone. My family values are just fine. After all, I am a child of God.©2009

Obedience

This subject is one of the ones most talked about in the Bible. In fact, the entire first 5 books of the Bible convey to the reader exactly what is to be obeyed by the listing of all of the rules and regulations under the old covenant (according to Strong’s Concordance, a covenant is a will, testament, pact, contract, an agreed upon plan to which both parties subscribe). Jesus ratified the new covenant by the shedding of His blood and His death on the cross.)

God exhorts us to be obedient. In fact, in the Ten Commandments, only one of these provides a promise. The fifth commandment says “Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” The promise of a long life, if we are obedient to our earthly mother and father, can’t even compare to the promise that God has for each of us if we are obedient to Him.

How do we know what God wants from each of us? He has given us His word that we might seek from Him our purpose in life. One clue—it has nothing to do with us, but it is all about Him. I’ve written previously about needing to know God’s will for our life and even said that it may just be that we are shining examples to those around us by living an obedient life before the Lord. Should God have further goals for us in our lives and we haven’t yet discerned them through the reading of His word and a mighty prayer life, then, in the meantime, we are to be obedient.

Being obedient is more than just following the Ten Commandments. While a good start as a basic foundation, the Bible clearly comments on how we are to live our lives in relationship to other people. One excellent example is found in Galatians 5:22 where God speaks to the Fruit of the Spirit as “love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law” Note that God refers to this as the Fruit—singular. We are to espouse each of these characteristics as a whole, not just the ones we wish to honor. He also comments that there is no law that goes against the grain of the Fruit. We are to be obedient and yet also subscribe to this characteristics.

Obedience is definitely the narrow, harder path to follow. In our earthly desires, we often commit sin without realizing it because we have become desensitized to certain sins. A classic example is the sin of lying. How many times have you often thought, “Well, a little white lie won’t hurt anyone.”? There is someone who it will hurt and that is you. Because it is a sin, that act separates you from God at that given moment. It’s only through earnest, heartfelt prayer where we ask God to examine our hearts and reveal to us how we have sinned can we then ask for forgiveness. The flipside to this is repentance. Until you reach a point where you are no longer desensitized to a particular sin can you repent of it. Repentance involves the true effort to avoid that habitual sin, whatever that may be.

Turning your life over to God is a true, selfless act of obedience and one of the hardest. This requires absolute faith that God will always be at your side. That does not mean that life will be rosy. In fact, in some cases, it couldn’t be further from the truth. John 10:10 says, “The thief (Satan) does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life and that they may have it more abundantly.” When the enemy sees that you are trying to live your life according to God’s word, he will most surely object. Often, especially with a new Christian, life may become difficult in order to sway him or her from the narrow path that they have chosen. However, remember the second half of that verse: “that He comes so that we will have life more abundantly.”

God answers our prayers according to His timetable, not ours. Sometimes, instead of removing us from the storms of life we encounter, He, instead, chooses to hold our hand and walks us through the difficult times. I once heard this phrase, “if you can stand the stretch, God will pull you through.” Too often people will ask, “If God loves me, and I am true to His Word, why am I suffering like this?” There is no magical answer to this time-honored question. Very simply, having gone through a fire provides you with a lesson learned and the ability to witness to someone else weathering that same storm. What an honor it is to be used by God! You may have to endure difficult times, but to share the rainbow at the end of the hardship with someone else in those same shoes only bolsters the Kingdom of Christ.

When the enemy swoops in to separate you from God, and he will, it will be up to you to stand guard and remain ever vigilant to his intentions. Ephesians 6:11-13, 17 states that we are to “put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirit in the heavenly places. Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so that you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle, you will still be standing firm. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit which is the word of God.” By reading God’s word, we will know how to be obedient to Him, and He gives us another promise in the above scripture where He states that after the battle we will still be standing firm. Further, in Ephesians 6:18, God says "Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion, Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.” Believe me when I tell you that all of us who have accepted Christ as our Saviour and follow heartily after His word will encounter tests and tribulations. It is how we handle these tribulations that determine what we are made of. Do we take that stance, putting on that full armor of God and be obedient to His word, or do we falter and do as the world would have us do and take the easy way out?

As we read His word and grow in this knowledge, will we have a better understanding of what obedience is all about, and what is required of us. Above all, earnest prayer as we seek God’s presence in our lives will only strengthen our resolve to deny the ways of evil, take up our own cross, and follow the teachings of Christ.©2007

To Be or Not To Be...

Psalm 119:11, 15-16 says “I have hidden Your Word in my heart. That I may not sin against You. I will study Your commandments and reflect on Your ways. I will delight in Your decrees and not forget Your Word.” This all speaks to obedience to God. In addition the first two commandments state: “1) You must not have any other god but me, and 2) you must not make for yourself an idol.”

When I made the decision to leave the gay community, my fierce self-independence did not allow me to relinquish my identity still as a lesbian. I felt, as I have said before, an ambassador without papers—a non-practicing, celibate lesbian.

However, has my insistence on my self-independence and proclamation that I am still a lesbian, albeit alone, created an idol for me? Has this determination resulted in being sidetracked to allow the enemy a toe-hold? Does this mean that I am following the letter of the law, but not the spirit of the law? Does this mean that I am tolerant of this sin by not renouncing my lesbian identity?

Even if I were to renounce that identity, don’t think for a moment, then, that automatically makes me straight. I can never see me living as a heterosexual. But, therein lies another question—does this mean that I know what I should do (by allowing God to work in me and mold me and shape me according to His will for my life) but I don’t follow through?

Will this result in my gradual deterioration of my relationship with God? I know that God loves me, but I won’t have full victory unless I fully obey. Despite my behavior, God has shown me mercy as defined as “not giving a person what he or she deserves.” The essence of sin is selfishness; the essence of God’s way is selflessness. Am I being selfish by exercising my self-independence and not recanting my identity?

Has God left obstacles in my path—my financial ruin and my bipolar disorder—to allow me to develop my faith and obedience? My idolatry of self-independence has led me to prioritize my failure to renounce my identity as a lesbian even though I no longer live as one. All I know is that I love God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength and I only want to be completely obedient. But this still begs the question: Am I just obeying the letter of the law and not the spirit of the law, and therefore not being fully obedient?©2007