I was suggested to use my various coping mechanisms when I get in these headspaces. I thought about some, and either they don’t work for me, or else, I don’t want them to work. Scalpels were often coping mechanisms when I was cutting, but that has long since been proved ineffective.
I have no recourse but to let this phase run its course—just don’t know for how long to prepare. Yes, it is true that suicide is more an upfront thought process with me lately. I spend more time grueling over the plan, if only to bolster my resolve. No, I am mot afraid to go through with it right at the moment; I rather like the idea—being anal-retentive that I am. It’s enough for me to just know that everything is ready to go when I come to this inevitable discovery.
I spend way too much time inside my head these days. That’s a very dangerous place to be as the thoughts come in racing so fast, that they just compound all of the thoughts that already existed.
My new coping mechanism: drinking enough to catch a buzz. The other day, I bought large bottles of 100 proof Southern Comfort, along with Ketel One Vodka, triple sec and Rose’s lime juice. I have always fancied Kamikazes and Vodka Gimlets. After just a couple of drinks, I was very lightheaded. My tolerance for ETOH is rather low. I’ve never had a drinking problem; in fact, I hardly drink alcohol very much at all. I wonder if this won’t yet be another harbinger of what is to come. I’ve known too many alcoholics that started out just this way; I want to avoid any possibility that the drinking could get out of control.
So, here I sit on a Sunday afternoon just waiting for the time to pass. Monday is looming too close for comfort.©2009
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