26 October 2009

Escalating Anger and Rage, Sunday 25 October

It’s Sunday evening. This weekend has pretty much been a wash. Accomplished absolutely nothing. I’m trying to figure out how many days it has been since I last slept. I feel like I’m on auto-pilot.

I did manage a quick grocery trip finally since being home. That was a strange experience. I found myself just wandering down each aisle trying to figure out what I needed. I’ve never walk in without my list. I didn’t even know what I needed. So I got the basics and beat feet outta there. Too many people.

But I am starting to see a pattern emerge. My anger and rage is escalating for no apparent reason (yeah, I know for you DBT fans out there, there has to be a trigger, but damn if I know what it is). On the way home from the grocery store, I stopped by this little sushi restaurant right around the corner from my house to order something to go. As I pulled into the small parking lot, I noticed five (yeah, count ‘em—FIVE) patrol cars all sitting there unattended. The only other places in this small shopping centre is a bank (closed since it’s Sunday), a Starbucks, a deli and an ice scream shoppe. I had to park next to one of them. I got out of my car, looked around, and couldn’t see a cop in sight. Then I walked into the restaurant (nope they weren’t here). For some reason, as I was waiting for my order, I became increasingly pissed off by the fact that there were at least five cops somewhere sitting on their butts doing nothing. So much for my tax dollars at work.

By the time I left the restaurant I was so riled up over this (don’t ask me why!!!), that I opened up my trunk and got out the carton of eggs. I grabbed four of them and slammed two of the patrol cars. God that felt good. Never mind the fact that anyone in any of these establishments could see what I had done through those large plate glass windows all facing back at me. Never mind the fact that those FIVE lazy cops were somewhere on the other side of those windows. I don’t even remember what I was thinking. Really stupid, Alix. That’s all I need on top of everything else. But nothing happened; no one came flying out the doors. I turned around, closed my trunk, hopped in my car and drove out of the parking lot (yeah, all the while checking my rear view mirror just waiting to see the blue flashing lights on my tail). As I said, this place is literally around the corner from my house. All I had to do was hang a right out of the lot, drive past six driveways and I was home. When I pulled in, I waited for a minute, so sure that the cops were right behind me—still nothing.

I just snapped. Where did all this anger come from? I have developed a rather unhealthy obsession of wanting to beat the shit out of a cop only to know that it would land my sorry ass in jail. There is just something so enticing about wanting to inflict the greatest amount of physical damage to a cop simply because of the fucking authority they represent. I don’t get where this is coming from. It’s like I am stuck in this stupid 60s time warp.©2009

No comments:

Post a Comment