Not much to report this week. I had no therapist, psychiatrist or GP appointments for a change
Work: This full-time work week hit me like a ton of bricks. It is as if all my clients all knew I was back in the office all on the same day. I simply cannot keep up with the email, nor respond as quickly as I used to with some of my more high-profile clients. I still have emails unread dating back to this past Monday 25 January.
I had one major escalation that was a forefront priority for me that I had to stay on top of from the start. The problem was presented to me last Friday afternoon and it resulted in a client wanting a particular service on a product we offer. I let the client know that I understood the importance of a speedy reply to see if we could accommodate his request. No one on my team could give me a firm answer, so I was directed to Technical Operations.
Well, that group did not respond back as quickly as I hoped, but I dropped the ball by not keeping the client completely in the loop in just continuing to communicate that we were still looking into it, but so far, we had not heard back from Tech Ops. The client decided to escalate the issue above me that did not put me in the fairest of light (sometimes you learn your lessons best the hard way).
When all was said and done and Tech Ops told me that we could not accommodate the client’s request, my main concern was regarding who should be the one to tell him: someone from Tech Ops or me (I figured Tech Ops could explain better the technical details of why we could not provide the requested service).
After getting a few other emails from the account team who was also working with this issue, including my manager, and realized that no one had STILL not communicated anything to the client—now a week later—I decided to be proactive.
I called him and reiterated just how important this issue was for them; I told him I that I was remiss in not keeping the lines of communication more fluid in the intervening time, and offered my apologies for the duration of time it took for me to give him a final answer that we could not technically provide the requested service. He was very understanding. He said that he knew I was working hard behind the scenes. I still took responsibility for my lack of communication, and we parted amicably. He said he would contact me next week about some other information he would be requesting, more notably the specifics of the services offered by the products we were supporting for them.
This whole ordeal probably put a smear in my column in my manager’s eye, but I just have to chalk it up to an experience learned. I have always felt very strongly about providing excellent customer service to my clients; I do not know why I dropped the ball on this.
My other problem, which might have leant itself to the aforementioned issue, was the enormous amounts of email that kept streaming in. At the end of every day, there have been approximately 80-90 emails I still have not read, some stemming back, as I said, from Monday the 25th. I only have eight hours in a day (no overtime allowed) and can only process so much. I quickly scan throughout the day the subject headers to ferret out what might be higher priority items. I catch what I can, but I know there are clients who are still awaiting a response from me. In some cases, the questions I am being asked require me to run reports which take 24 hours to run, so that already puts me behind a day. Then I get emails where I simply do not know how to take care of the problem (my memory is still wreaking havoc). Thankfully I have a 12-member team who I can reach out to, but I fear they will get tired of my questions soon enough. What I fear is that they will not remember that I was only on this new job for two-and-a-half months before being out on a three-month medical leave. Essentially, I am still on my learning curve. There are parts of this job I just have not been exposed to yet which is resulting in me being slow on the uptake.
The bright side of this week was my performance review that my manager held with me on Tuesday. He said he was remarkably pleased at just how far I have come in gaining experience in the position and how fast I was learning everything. He pointed to my desire to provide superior customer service as one of my strengths, and the one thing I needed to develop was my sense of self-confidence in performing my job. If he only knew! I did discover that the company approved raises for everyone and I merited a 3.5% increase. Well, it is better than nothing! I also found out that the company has approved a performance bonus this year payable in early March. I am not sure what mine will be, but I will be happy to receive whatever I get. (business has been good, thankfully).
My Car: Well, ole Betsy (never her real name, just seemed fitting at the moment) has retired. I have been spending the last two weeks searching for another car. I want to stay with a Honda as mine lasted for 16 years with mega-mileage. I looked at several dealerships thinking I would examine their certified used cars that came with a warranty. In each case, all they had were Civics comparable to mine —somewhat new, but with massive mileage. Sure, affordable, but I would be right back where I was in a short time. The other choices were the high-end Accords that were not affordable. I had already examined a new 2010 Honda Fit Sport that, when we got down to negotiating, was a far cry lower than the Accords. At this point, why should I pay more money for a used Accord when I can have a brand new Fit for a few thousand less? Moreover, this one comes with a lifetime power train warranty (the very thing that went out on my old car that never had more that the standard bumper-to-bumper three years or 36,000 miles). I did negotiate a good deal and got rid of the sales person and dealt directly with the manager who ultimately had the final say so. We must have pushed the proverbially piece of paper back and forth about five times. Nuts and bolts, I will be getting the car at $3500 less MSRP plus some of the options I wanted. I have never been afraid to negotiate and walk out the door, and this particular dealership (the last of the three locally, two of which I had already walked out when they didn’t meet my price) started hedging when I said that I was prepared to drive 90 miles or so across the state line to get a better deal. Then they started singing my song. I will be picking up the car next Saturday.
General Info: Aside from the constant anxiety at work, my bipolar appears still to be in balance. In addition, my sleep patterns are almost back to normal. It has been such a long time since I have been able to say that. Currently, I am not depressed or manic. Is this what “normal” is supposed to feel like? I would not know; I have never been here before.
Next week I have my appointment with my therapist and psychiatrist. I did have quite an unexpected expense this week. I had to get my bipolar meds refilled. I already know that I have to stay on them, so I bit the bullet and called my insurance’s 90-day prescription by mail program. I had to fill my Geodon and Provigil (not generic) and my Lamictal. Because I still had $1150 of my $1200 deductible, one or some of those meds were going to have to be a full retail price. I almost fell off my chair when they quoted me the Geodon at roughly $1172 for a 90-day supply. So, that drug alone covered my deductible and I got the other two dugs with the insurance cap. Now, how many people can say that they’ve met their medical insurance deductible by the third week in January…LOL.©2009
Today is going to be the last weekly session I will be attending. From this point forward, I will be seeing my psychiatrist every two weeks for a while, then once a month. I will miss the weekly visits, but he and I both agreed that I have made tremendous strides since I tried to commit suicide. It will also be much easier on my billfold as my insurance does not cover any of his fees (he is out-of-network and that deductible is $5500—it will be quite a stretch to incur that much of a balance any time soon).
He has decided to increase my Lexapro to 40mg/day. We have both been pleased with how effective it has been even though I am currently experiencing a setback in my depression (which is the reason increasing the dosage). It has been the only anti-depressant I have ever taken that has had such a marked difference in my depression without tripping a manic phase.
I learned something new today. I just happened to mention the strange reaction I experienced on Monday after my first iron infusion. He said it sounded like I experienced Cataplexy that would explain the sudden onset of fatigue along with the loss of muscle tone. It is frequently associated with narcolepsy and Provigil just happens to be one of the drugs that combat narcolepsy, which might explain why I did not have that reaction yesterday.
Overall, I am glad that I have made such progress thus far. I have received excellent therapy support from both my group and my psychiatrist. I think I am going to have therapy withdrawal once I go back to work. I have arranged to start seeing an individual therapist once I finish with group. I have already seen her two times and I think we have the chance to build a good rapport.
What was nice about today is that my appointment was at 0700 and I have nothing else scheduled for today. It will be nice to have some down time.©2009
Yesterday was the first day that I have driven anywhere outside of my own neighbourhood area for a couple of weeks, since I sideswiped the 18-wheeler on the interstate. I have not had one of those dissociative episodes when driving in a while, so I thought I would take a chance yesterday and drive myself. The weather was just awful. It was pouring and visibility was cut to almost 500 yards/457 metres. I left an hour early just in case and was quite anxious about driving on the interstate the whole way, but I got there OK.
Had the weather been fine, having arrived so early, I could have sat outside and smoked until group started, but I was relegated to sitting in our room for a while before some of the others started to file in. I had my daily check in sheet already filled out since I do it from home before I get there (gives me more time to think and try to remember the details).
After the huge group split we started out “sharing” routine. I volunteered to go first as I had to leave early since I had an early appt with my GP yesterday as well. I had a good report to share and even had a smile on my face that everyone made a big deal about. Afterwards, the therapist commented that I was showing marked improvements exponentially. I think it has a lot to do with my psychiatrist putting me on the Lexapro a couple of weeks ago. I asked the therapist if she could mark some time for me after one of our sessions as I want to talk with her about my discharge from the program. While I have made huge strides over the last eight weeks (it was eight weeks ago today that I tried to commit suicide), I knew it was getting to the point that I could no longer afford to be in this program. Yes, my insurance is helping, but 10% of this, that, and the other adds up with all of the appts I have been having. I feel that my seeing my individual therapist now, along with my psychiatrist should be enough to continue with my recovery. I do not necessarily want to leave the group, but I have to make some decisions financially.
I cannot believe it has been eight weeks since I tried to commit suicide. The whole memory seems like such a hazy nightmare to me. On the one hand, I want to forget about everything. Yet, I have to remember it all to keep where I am at now in proper perspective. I have made some huge strides since then and I cannot forget this. So much has changed for me. There are more evenings than not where I can be in my house all alone at night and be safe. I am not sure what “normal” is supposed to feel like, but I do know that I am not as profoundly depressed as I have been. It seems that my bipolar is slowly being reigned in. The positive aspect is that I haven’t swung onto the manic side since starting the Lexapro, a valid concern my psychiatrist has as giving anti-depressants to bipolar patients in a profound depression can kick off a manic episode since the anti-depressant can kick you over to the other side. I have been carefully watching for that. I am getting more sleep now than I have been, and my talking does not seem to be any more excitable than normal. When I am manic, that is the first sign I can spot. I will get on the phone with someone and not shut up the entire time and I talk fast and excitedly. So far, I do not see any evidence to that.
Could it be that my bipolar is finally coming into balance? I am almost afraid to think that one aloud. Once my bipolar is in check, then I can start looking at my borderline personality disorder issues that, for obvious reasons, have been put on the back burner. I can continue that work with my psychiatrist and individual therapist, although I am not sure how to begin that whole scenario. There are some deep-seated issues that I have to work out, and this is going to take some time.
Meanwhile I am socialising more. My friend A called me as she was leaving work last night to check in with me and I asked her if she wanted to stop by my house on her way home. She enthusiastically said yes and I thoroughly enjoyed having her visit for almost 90 minutes. It is so nice to have people with whom I can talk about every day things. This is one area that I have seen positive changes in me. I am not isolating nearly as much. Right now, all my socialising is one-on-one; I have not tried to be in a group of people yet outside of my group therapy sessions, so I am not sure how I am going to handle that. I am going to try to start attending the NAMI meetings (National Alliance on Mental Illness) that take place Monday evenings right around the corner from my house. It is going to be similar to group with a different twist. According to the facilitator I spoke with the other day, there are only about 10-12 people that attend regularly and I will not have to say anything if I do not want to. I imagine I will just sit quietly for the first couple of meetings until I can get the lay of the land.
I am still on full-time short-term FMLA disability, but that runs out January 18th. Right now I am approved through December 16th, but I am now going to have my psychiatrist (instead of the group therapist) put in for the remainder of the time to see if they will approve the extension. My psychiatrist does not think I am ready to return to work anyway, and he wants me to start back only working half-days. I’m thinking, with the deadline coming up (yes, I could always convert to long-term disability, but that’s only at 70% of my pay which I cannot afford) I could put a return to work start date for the 4th of January to work half-days until the 18th. I personally think I need more time than that, but I am financially constrained. To tell you the truth, what I dearly wish I could afford is to go on full time SS disability, but I cannot afford what they would pay out, and Medicaid will not kick in until you’ve been on disability for one full year. I cannot afford to be without insurance. Sure, I could get COBRA from my employer, but since I cannot already afford what disability would pay, there is no way I could also afford the COBRA coverage. Caught between a rock and a hard place.©2009
Well, yesterday could not have been more interesting. A person whom I know only slightly had been reading my blog (it seems my blog has been generating a lot of airtime recently). He emailed me to explain how sorry he had not sent me an earlier email in view of what had been happening in my life. Having only just read it I replied that it was no big deal since he had only just learned about it.
Then he suggested we get together as he wanted to give me the opportunity to talk about it. I figured, he had already read the blog, he already knew the good, the bad and the ugly. Even though I felt anxious about it, I agree to meet him at his house yesterday. To break the ice, I went to the local bakery and brought some bagels figuring we could be somewhat busy preparing our bagels, eating them and drinking coffee before jumping into the fray.
That said, our conversation started rather benignly. I laughingly said that he knew all about me, but I knew very little about him. Thus began his little history lesson. I found out we had a lot of common [with the exception that he hates North Carolina’s Tar Heel Blue basketball team :-)]
He had a lot to say about the scripture I had been quoting in my posts and my take on them. He also pointed out that the only reason we are in any church is to worship God, a point well taken.
We must have talked for about five hours and the time just flew by. He reiterated that he wanted to be my friend and to always feel to call whenever I might have the need to talk.
After I tried to commit suicide eight weeks ago, I started out bemoaning the fact that I had no friends, especially when I become subsequently suicidal. And suddenly, through a few people reading this blog, I realise that I have more true friends (not acquaintances) than I actually thought was possible.
I also think my medicines are finally beginning to work. Adding the Lexapro has really helped lessen the profound state of depression in which I have been. I feel I have a clearer head with which to think. While the racing thoughts are still present, they do not interfere to the same extent. Not to borrow trouble, but almost feeling normal (but not quite yet), I cannot help wondering if I am only just on this side of spiralling up into a manic phase. Until I was back on these meds, everything was black or white—I was either manic or profoundly depressed. I guess time will only tell on this one.©2009
