Outpatient Therapy, Day 23/Psychiatrist Appt #9

Today’s session went really well. My therapist said I had made such strides over the last seven weeks that she agreed that I could be discharged on the 18th. Today, in fact, we had some new people and some that have been in the group for a little while that had it rock bottom and the therapist used me as an example how things can really get better. I feel good about myself today—something that I did not foresee being able to say even a couple of weeks ago.

I have built up a small coterie of close friends that know me intimately—the ins and outs of my mental illness. This has become my support group, yet another thing I about which I did not even think about. I was isolating so much and vindictively pushing people away to purposely further isolate me. The ironic thing is that the majority of this small group is made up of people with whom I had gone to church. That is my next major hurdle—reinserting myself back into my church. I am feeling less anxious about it, but something is still holding me back. Perhaps it is because not everyone knows my complete story and I certainly do not want to share that with anyone who has not been along for the ride.

I still do not know what “normal” is, but I feel more content than I have for a long while. I have not had any suicide ideation for a while, but the main concern I have, feeling this good, is that I am not ramping up to swing into the manic dark side. I am carefully looking for signs, and my friends know what to look for, so they may see it before I do.

I am going to try to go grocery shopping by myself, cane aside, this weekend. I will see how I deal with being around a large group of people. This should be a good test for me. It has been the one hurdle I have not passed (aside from returning to church). I have gone shopping with a friend that lessened the anxiety, but it is time I try to do it for myself.

I also saw my psychiatrist this morning before group. He also seems pleased at my bipolar improvement. Now that I am getting about six hours of sleep these last two days he has agreed to start reducing my Zyprexa, yet one less pill to take. He is going to submit an extension of my disability (currently ending on the 16th) to return to work on Jan 4th for two weeks at half-time to gradually get accustomed again with full time beginning on the 18th. I hope they approve this extension, as I am simply not ready to return on the 17th. He is not sure if it will fly since I have made such improvement, but he is certainly going to try. He is going to send in the paperwork on Monday.

Well, folks, that’s my story for today and I am sticking by it!©2009

A Saturday Surprise

Well, yesterday could not have been more interesting. A person whom I know only slightly had been reading my blog (it seems my blog has been generating a lot of airtime recently). He emailed me to explain how sorry he had not sent me an earlier email in view of what had been happening in my life. Having only just read it I replied that it was no big deal since he had only just learned about it.

Then he suggested we get together as he wanted to give me the opportunity to talk about it. I figured, he had already read the blog, he already knew the good, the bad and the ugly. Even though I felt anxious about it, I agree to meet him at his house yesterday. To break the ice, I went to the local bakery and brought some bagels figuring we could be somewhat busy preparing our bagels, eating them and drinking coffee before jumping into the fray.

That said, our conversation started rather benignly. I laughingly said that he knew all about me, but I knew very little about him. Thus began his little history lesson. I found out we had a lot of common [with the exception that he hates North Carolina’s Tar Heel Blue basketball team :-)]

He had a lot to say about the scripture I had been quoting in my posts and my take on them. He also pointed out that the only reason we are in any church is to worship God, a point well taken.

We must have talked for about five hours and the time just flew by. He reiterated that he wanted to be my friend and to always feel to call whenever I might have the need to talk.

After I tried to commit suicide eight weeks ago, I started out bemoaning the fact that I had no friends, especially when I become subsequently suicidal. And suddenly, through a few people reading this blog, I realise that I have more true friends (not acquaintances) than I actually thought was possible.

I also think my medicines are finally beginning to work. Adding the Lexapro has really helped lessen the profound state of depression in which I have been. I feel I have a clearer head with which to think. While the racing thoughts are still present, they do not interfere to the same extent. Not to borrow trouble, but almost feeling normal (but not quite yet), I cannot help wondering if I am only just on this side of spiralling up into a manic phase. Until I was back on these meds, everything was black or white—I was either manic or profoundly depressed. I guess time will only tell on this one.©2009

Outpatient Therapy, Day 19 & My Early Christmas Present

Since I am not allowed to drive myself to group (at some point that will have to come to end and I cannot rely on the good wishes of friends who want to help; I just feel I am being intrusive.) I have to get over my fear of driving and side swiping an 18-wheeler did not add enough to my plate already! Therefore, on Friday I sat and waited for my “limousine.” K called saying she was on her way, so that should take about 20 minutes. Man, I hate winter. You bundle up like crazy for the early morning only to have to strip down by mid-afternoon when the temp gets up to 67˚F/19.45˚C. On those days when the sky is full of sun, I just sit in my comfy camp chair and put on my iPod and bask in the sun. I actually got a sunburn on my face last weekend!

I have made a template in Word to emulate the daily check-in sheet we must spend 15 minutes filling out. This way, the morning before I leave, I can just plug in the answers and be done with it. It buys me time to smoke a cigarette. I have even colour-coded my answers to indicate where my responses are.

I counted the number of pills I take every morning. There are 11: three for blood pressure, plus one for Selenium (those results finally came it and it was abnormally low) and one for the Thiamine. Moreover, I am back to giving myself my B12 injections once a month. That leaves me six daily for my bipolar disorder, not that they are working yet. That does not even count the five I take at night.

(later) There were a lot of fresh faces Friday morning, but I did well; I continued to sit at the table despite the full room. Then, after everyone finished filling out their daily check in sheet, we split back into our two smaller groups. However, out small little group was getting bigger. We did out “sharing” part and I was pleased that the therapist said I was showing marked improvement in certain areas. In the second session, where I usually resign myself to the corner away from the table, I decided to sit at the table and interact with my peers, clearly an improvement for me. We are still working on anger management issues which has been a good one for to listen to.

Well, high noon came and K was out there waiting for me. When we got home, she said she had some food she wanted to put in the fridge. Then, she put her hands on her hips and said, “Why don’t I help you clean up?” My dear friend spent three hours scouring my kitchen and cleaning my living room. In the pit of my depression, I just stopped caring for how the house looked and let it go to seed. I couldn’t believe the amount of work she did while she basically told me to go and sit down. What a caring gift that was to me. It was so nice to walk into a clean kitchen and sit in a clean living room.©2009 

Momentum

This past weekend has been a banner one for me as far as decreasing my isolation and reaching out to my friends. Of course, you’ve read about my coffee date with K on Friday and my grocery trip with A on Saturday. Well, I discovered that I needed to go out once again, and to the mall no less where it was teeming with people. Mind you, I am not a mall rat; in fact, I cannot remember the last time I was there. However, there is one thing I need every year and can only find it when the independent vendors set up their kiosks at Christmas time. I use this huge grid calendar that I hang on the wall right inside my bedroom door. Each square is large enough to accommodate multiple entries and to write them in large letters so I can read them. Therefore, I called K and asked if she would mind taking me to the mall.

We were not sure at which end to park, so we picked one anchor store and went inside. The idea of walking all over the place to find this particular vendor was rather daunting to me. However, we spotted a mall security guard as soon as we got there. He did not know where it was, and upon spying a walking talkie radio, I suggested he call out and find out if anyone of the security guards knew where it was.

Now that we knew where to go, we started negotiating our way among the throngs of people, impatient kids running away from their parents, and a mass of strollers with shrieking babies. I hugged the interior wall for fear that someone would kick out my cane from underneath me. I was not handling the mass of people very well, but stuck to my guns as I looked at this adventure as a mission to complete. Having K there made all the difference as I could focus on her and keep up a running dialogue as we walked.

I espied our target and once acquired we headed directly there. I got my calendar and out we went. That said, I am still fairly sure I don’t want to return, at least by myself as the crowds were somewhat suffocating. However, I did accomplish my stated mission and nothing happened to me. A week ago you couldn’t have paid me to insert myself into that situation. K has been a valuable friend as she knows my boundaries and is more than willing to be there whenever I need her. Lesson learned: I can tolerate what I most fear, even if I have to have a friend walk me through the process. I am still not capable of doing these things alone; having someone with me allows me to concentrate on my continued conversation and ignore the people. I did not have a panic attack.

Afterwards, I invited her back to my house where we talked for about an hour before she had some things she needed to attend to. This is the first time I have let anyone into my home since that fated night. All in all, I feel as though I making progress as far as my isolation goes. Now I have something to talk about when I go to group later this morning.©2009

More Baby Steps

I have to start by saying that Friday afternoon, when I got home from going to Starbucks with K, I had an uneventful evening at home. I was not anywhere close to being suicidal as I sat in my house at home all alone and my depression did not seem to be as severe. I actually felt somewhat content. I am sure it all had to do with the fact that I got out of my house and went somewhere with an understanding friend where we just talked about normal stuff for two hours—what a difference 24 hours can make.

Well, I must be on the good vibrations roll this weekend. Friday, when I got home from coffee with K, I called my other friend A (who provided me with all those safety gadgets for walking late at night). Due to my limited mobility right now, I asked her if I could go grocery shopping with her the next time she went. She mentioned that she was planning to go Saturday around 1100 and she said she would be happy to take me along.

As it approached 1100, I began to feel the anxiety rising. I had not been inside a grocery store since I egged those patrol cars three weeks ago. I was not sure how I was going to deal with all of the people and noise. When A came to pick me up, I was somewhat calmer because I knew I could step outside the store if need be. It was good to see her again. I have never gone grocery shopping with a friend before. In addition, pushing the cart gave me more stability than my cane since I could hold onto it with both hands (no, and that is an emphatic no, I am not got to get a walker!). I was doing pretty well as we traipsed through the aisles until I forgot something and had to go all the way back to the beginning and retrieve it. I was alone, faced a slew of oncoming people, and had a mini-freak out session, sorta like a “deer-in-the-headlamps” experience. I just grabbed the cart, stood still and closed my eyes and took some deep breathes and just concentrating on standing outside in the sunshine. Well, it worked and I did not have to actually leave the store.

I found A and we were ready to check out. I was in a single file at the checkout lane, but I went first and gave some distance to the woman in front of me—talking with A helped keep my mind in the moment. The next thing I knew, we were back in her car riding home where she helped me carry in my groceries. I really enjoyed myself.

Between getting coffee with K on Friday, and spending time with A at the grocery store on Saturday, it represented the first two occasions when I got out of my house to do something with other people that also involved going to places where other people would be. It was not as bad as I thought it could be. Yesterday, after getting home from the grocery store, I felt content yet again. I had set a goal and followed through on it. The rest of the day went smoothly, and when nightfall came, the most fragile time for me when I am in my house all alone, it was not so daunting.

My severe depression seems to be abating somewhat. I don't think it's solely attributable to the Lexapro I just started taking; in fact, I think it has more to do with the decrease in my isolation.  I got 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep last night. I went to sleep at 2300 and rose at 0300, so it still makes for a long day ahead of me, but I felt rested when I awoke. So, today is Sunday, the day I used to go to church. Nevertheless, that is not going to happen today. I am still not ready to go, and I am not sure I want to anymore ever since I got that comment from Sharon on one of my previous posts. I have to ask myself, does everyone there judge me the same way? Do they all think that I am a fraud? I have to keep reminding myself that her comment only represents one opinion from one person and I do not have to accept it, but I cannot help but wonder if others feel the same way. No, I am not ready to face them and all their questions, aside from the fact that it will be a room filled with people (albeit a small number, but people nonetheless). Right now, I’m just please with my baby steps forward.©2009

A Big Step Forward

Waking up for the day at 0200 makes for a long day, to be sure. Sometimes it is when I am most prolific; this morning I just sat around, drank some hot tea and listened to music. I had a better day yesterday and it is good to feel this way.

I met one friend (K) for coffee at the Starbucks around the corner from my house (the same parking lot where I egged the patrol cars. Even though it is within walking distance from my house, ever since I have had to resort to using this cane, I asked if she could drop by my house and pick me up. We spent close to two hours just talking about everything in our lives. K showed me some text messages (that I do not remember sending on that ill-fated night. You could tell that I was getting progressively more drunk as some time passed; the texting in some cases was totally illegible. It was odd to see some evidence of the state of mind I was in during that whole crisis.

The time spent together was good for me. I got out of the house, which I desperately need to start doing, and I was able to spend time with an old friend whom I rejected quite despicably the night of that debacle. Although I sent her an email a week or so ago to apologize for my ugly actions, I had not seen K face-to-face since I had been committed. It was good to be able to talk with her. In one of my earlier emails to her, I established my boundaries and she totally understood my needs. She acknowledged that she did not quite understand all of what BPD encompasses, but knew, through reading my blog, the depths of what I have experienced. I was able to spend time with a good friend and did not wear my mask. It was not that scary. This has helped me open the door to more opportunities. And last night when I was alone in my house, it didn’t seem as ominous. I actually enjoyed a good evening at home by myself—something that would not have been able to say before this.

While it was hard to make that first phone call to invite K for coffee, and I was very anxious when she first came by, I was not sure what to expect. However, she put me at ease immediately. She came up to my door to help me down the front stairs and into her car (I hate that I have to move so slowly these days). We ordered our coffee, sat down and started talking as if no time had passed. I soon felt quite at ease. This was a break-through opportunity for me—one that I can continue to make, I hope. They told me in group that I just have to practice using these tools before I can become comfortable using them. About the only time I got uncomfortable was when this person chose to sit right next to us in a room filled with empty chairs and sofas. I could feel the anxiety rise, but kept it to myself not wanting to spoil the moment. I just mentally put up some blinders and avoided his presence. Thankfully he did not stay long (he did not even buy any coffee!).

So, yesterday marked a big step forward for me. And I am going to take that at face value and accept that progress for what it is.©2009