A Saturday Surprise

Well, yesterday could not have been more interesting. A person whom I know only slightly had been reading my blog (it seems my blog has been generating a lot of airtime recently). He emailed me to explain how sorry he had not sent me an earlier email in view of what had been happening in my life. Having only just read it I replied that it was no big deal since he had only just learned about it.

Then he suggested we get together as he wanted to give me the opportunity to talk about it. I figured, he had already read the blog, he already knew the good, the bad and the ugly. Even though I felt anxious about it, I agree to meet him at his house yesterday. To break the ice, I went to the local bakery and brought some bagels figuring we could be somewhat busy preparing our bagels, eating them and drinking coffee before jumping into the fray.

That said, our conversation started rather benignly. I laughingly said that he knew all about me, but I knew very little about him. Thus began his little history lesson. I found out we had a lot of common [with the exception that he hates North Carolina’s Tar Heel Blue basketball team :-)]

He had a lot to say about the scripture I had been quoting in my posts and my take on them. He also pointed out that the only reason we are in any church is to worship God, a point well taken.

We must have talked for about five hours and the time just flew by. He reiterated that he wanted to be my friend and to always feel to call whenever I might have the need to talk.

After I tried to commit suicide eight weeks ago, I started out bemoaning the fact that I had no friends, especially when I become subsequently suicidal. And suddenly, through a few people reading this blog, I realise that I have more true friends (not acquaintances) than I actually thought was possible.

I also think my medicines are finally beginning to work. Adding the Lexapro has really helped lessen the profound state of depression in which I have been. I feel I have a clearer head with which to think. While the racing thoughts are still present, they do not interfere to the same extent. Not to borrow trouble, but almost feeling normal (but not quite yet), I cannot help wondering if I am only just on this side of spiralling up into a manic phase. Until I was back on these meds, everything was black or white—I was either manic or profoundly depressed. I guess time will only tell on this one.©2009

Being Christian and Queer-Revisited

I’ve examined in some of my posts how I’ve missed my church since my whole debacle began. As I’ve alluded to, two of my biggest stumbling blocks to returning is (a) being around a group of people [thanks to my borderline personality disorder-BPD] and (b) how to explain my continued absence since being involuntarily committed due to my suicide attempt seven weeks ago.

When I attended a previous church, also an Assemblies of God, it was inherently homophobic because it preached, as they say, the full gospel—meaning that the Bible is the word of God chapter and verse. I was new to my relationship with God, and under the pastor’s teaching (at this point I had not been hit with those legendary homophobic clobber verses) I watched my relation with God grow immeasurably: it was close and personal—something I had never experienced before. My heart and spirit was full. Having been raised as a Roman Catholic when I was a child and teenager, I never got this.

I am not a theologian, but as I began to read the Bible, when I got to Leviticus 20, I continued to read all those laws set forth by God. So many of these “laws” had since been dismissed as we migrated to modern times [e.g., verse 10: “If a man commits adultery with his neighbour’s wife, both the man and the woman who have committed adultery must be put to death.” (NLT)]. I read that with a grain of salt as today adulterers are merely given a pass for a divorce. So, when I got to verse 13 “If a man practices homosexuality, having sex with another man as with a woman, both men have committed a detestable act. They must both be put to death, for they are guilty of a capital offense.” (NLT) I took this verse equally with a grain of salt. I am a lesbian and did not feel compelled to fall upon my sword, as it were.

Then this particular preacher, one Sunday, spent his whole sermon on why homosexuality was the worst sin in the bible. I was truly taken aback by his statement. Aside from quoting the verse in Leviticus, he did not proffer any specific verses that backed up what he said. I was enraged. After the service, I challenged him. I asked him to refer to the specific scripture that said that (because I never read that despite reading through various translations). He wanted to avoid this conversation with me totally, but I countered with reminding him that he always said that the Bible would prove its own truth. Again, I challenged him to point out where in the Bible was that specifically quoted and he hemmed and hawed. I told him, according to the Bible in Revelations 21:8 “But the cowardly, unbelieving, abominable, murderers, sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death.” (NKJV). Nowhere did it say that only the homosexuals would burn in this lake of fire, and even pointed out that the sexually immoral were not even listed first! He could not respond and just walked away and greeted other members.

Well, my identity as a lesbian was then outed and I was essentially shown the door unless I repented of my sins and turned from my evil ways—translation: become celibate. That only harkened back memories of the nightmares I had read on reparative therapy where there were retreats gays and lesbians could attend to be “cured” of their homosexuality (Exodus International comes to mind). Being a lesbian is who I am, not what I chose to be. I did not have something from which to be “cured.” I was incensed that there was this organisation whose primary focus was to brainwash these unsuspecting attendees.

As a result, I left this church. I also remember being angry with God for allowing His word to be selectively be taken out of context on this one particular verse. If the other verses throughout Leviticus had for the most part been dismissed as being a product of the times (e.g., not mixing clothes of mixed fabric and all of the dietary laws), why was this solitary verse being held accountable? As the times progressed and gay rights became the new poison pill upon which many political platforms were based (the new litmus test as abortion rights were before then), I saw how the war against gay rights was being funded and waged by so called Christian fundamentalists. Gay rights (or the lack thereof) were being slammed left and right from statehood amendments on same-sex marriages, employment discrimination (there are 29 states where it is legal to fire someone who is gay), to housing statutes, and economic parity through health insurance, not to even begin to mention how partners are treated when one of them is in the hospital and are denied visitation rights or not allowed to carry out the final wishes.

I became an ardent political activist lending my voice where it counted to fight these so-called arbitrary arguments. I live in the buckle of the Bible belt where churches are like gas stations—there is one on every corner. I had plenty of opportunities and venues to lend my voice to counter these fundamentalists. I still remember how I was treated in a discount chain store while wearing my equal rights t-shirt on the banner of the rainbow flag. I was bible-thumped from quite a few people (“shame on you,” “your kind will burn in hell,” etc.). I would not be reduced to their fanaticism and merely walked away from most of them. I was, however, trapped while standing in the cashier’s lane. The couple behind me started preaching to me to repent of my evil ways as all eyes were on me. You could hear a pin drop. At first I was not going to say anything (anything I could have said would only fall on deaf ears anyway), but the cashier smiled at me and said, “You aren’t going to let them get away with that crap, are you?” So I looked at this couple and calmly said that, while I respected that they had a right to their own opinion, this was one area that that we would have to agree to disagree—no rhetoric on my part. However, that did silence them.

During this intervening time, I met my then partner and I continued to wage my war. I was quite surprised to learn that she went to church. I asked her where could she possibly go without encountering what I had experienced and she told me all about the Metropolitan Community Church (MCC) that primarily caters to lesbian, gay, bi-sexual and transgendered persons (LGBT). Sorely missing my connection to God and the community of fellowship, I eagerly started attending with her. However, my spirit was not fed here. It was static and ritualistic and there didn’t seem to be any room for the Spirit to move. I continued to go with her for the duration of our partnership, but when that ended, I no longer attended.

I moved to a different area of town and laughingly I noticed there was a church right across the street from me. Being new to the neighbourhood, one of my neighbours left a beautiful potted plant on my front porch with a nice note welcoming me to the neighbourhood. This level of hospitality, I thought, had all gone the way of other pleasant Southern ways with everyone too busy with their jobs and lives. I walked over to thank her and we had a nice conversation. There was no doubt that I was a lesbian when we met from the bumper stickers on my car to the t-shirt I was wearing, but that did not seem to phase her. Then she cordially asked me if I attended a church (my warning signals were piqued at this point) and told her no and recounted my experience with my first pastor. She thought that story was horrible and invited me to attend their church’s fall picnic. When I reminder her that I was a lesbian, she didn’t care, said that her pastor was open-minded, and that I would not be judged. Therefore, I told her I would attend with full expectation to talk to the pastor at the outset and inform him that I was a lesbian. He didn’t seem to bat an eyelash and told me that I would be welcome at his church, but he did say this one thing, that he did preach the whole Bible and said that he did think homosexuality was a sin. But I was welcomed just the same as in “Whosoever….” We agreed to disagree and he told me that his congregation wouldn’t judge me.

At this point, I had missed my relationship with God, not because I had walked away in the intervening years, but I had missed hearing God’s word being preached and the fellowship of other believers. Being the butch that I am, when I dressed up for church I wore a coat and tie even amidst those that wore blue jeans and t-shirts. I liked his style of preaching and everything he said resonated deeply within me. I felt for the first time that I had found a church home. There were times after the services where the pastor and I would get involved in conversations about my homosexuality and he just smiled and told me that he always appreciated my honesty, and felt that I had contributed to his knowledge base as he had never had the chance to really get to know someone who was gay, and thought that our conversations were refreshing for him—a chance to learn something new. I respected him greatly and considered him a friend, a friendship that continued to grow over the three years that I have been attending.

Then something happened to me. While I was reading the Bible, I came across an important passage that became the cornerstone upon which I wanted to live my life. It was Romans 12:1-2: “(1) And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. (2) Don’t copy the behaviour and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” (NLT).

I thought long and hard what these verses meant to me. I came to the conclusion that I wanted my close personal relationship with God more than I needed my identity as a lesbian (however skewed that logic may seem to you). I felt by choosing to be celibate was my living sacrifice, and that turning my back on the gay community would be no longer conforming to customs of the world. This was a decision that did not come easily as it was fought with much prayer. Nevertheless, it was a decision that I felt at peace with at the time. I never denied that I was a lesbian, but like an ambassador without papers. I lived my life from that perspective for two years.

Well, politics raised its ugly head with what was up for grabs both in Congress and at the statewide level during this year. My hackles were raised again and my anger towards this massive inequality subjugating all LGBT persons to second-class citizens put me on fire. I became politically active again renewing my passion to see true justice served. I was truly saddened to see how forthright and mean-spirited the Christian fundamentalists had become since the previous elections, not to mention the incredible amounts of money they raised to fund their own political agenda (what ever happened to the separation of church and state?).

Unforeseen by me, my personal life became a disaster as my bipolar and borderline personality disorders (BP and BPD) reared their ugly head pushing me into a downward spiral that led me to my aforementioned attempted suicide. There was so much conflict swirling within me. When I was discharged from the hospital after 11 days, I couldn’t face going back to my church having done what I had. After my continued absence, what would have I told everyone, “Oh yeah, by the way, I tried to commit suicide.” I didn’t think that would go over well. I had a long talk with my pastor and told him of my renewed passion to fight for LGBT equality. In one post to this blog, where I bemoaned how miserable my life had become, someone commented “Even though you have turned away from Him - He still loves you and wants you back. Your dilemma is trying to hold on to both worlds. It's not possible. God wants you to choose to lay down your old life and allow Him to make you totally new. He has a peace waiting for you that you've never known (but are desperately seeking)- You've never known this peace because you've never fully turned your life over to Him.”

I couldn’t believe what I read. For the first time I was being judged, and I was accused that I had never fully turned my life over to God when that couldn’t have been further from the truth considered the sacrificial decision I had made only two years before. I was torn. Knowing what I did now, could I ever be welcomed back into that church under the circumstances of how I was living my life as a queer political activist. I was hurt because this church and its people meant so very much to me. I was filled with the Spirit at this church as I had never known before; the pastor’s teaching had always deeply affected me. A subsequent conversation with this person helped me understand the spirit it which the comment was made--not to judge, but wanting to reach out so desperately to me. Can I return and just let the chips fall where they may, or do I want to search for another church that is gay-affirming, not knowing if I would be filled and fed in the same way? My heart wants to return to this little church, but at what expense.©2009

For Melanie—

Melanie, in your comment on my post below, you’ve touch upon a subject that concerns why I am beginning to have problems about the Bible…its translation. Full Gospel preachers will preach that it is the inherent word of God—that these words were divinely inspired. Yet, to whom were they inspired? Men of a far different cultural time than now. You cited a good example of sexism—women were treated as chattel (“an item of personal property that is not freehold land and is not intangible. Chattels are typically movable property). Women were not viewed as persons in their own right. This model had not changed until the 1920s with the 19th Amendment allowing women the right to vote. Up until then, men did not believe women had the wherewithal to have an opinion, much less speak in public. That is only the situation in the United States. Look at how many cultures (e.g., the Middle East) still actually treat their women as property. Anyway, I digress…

I also agree with your statements about Paul being sexist. Paul espoused the notion that men should stay single and devote their lives to God; however, if they could not remain single (subtle inference on my part here—if men could not do without sex), then be married, but it is much better to remain single (1 Cor 7:1). My interpretation: women were only good for one thing, satisfying men’s sexual urges (one caveat here, Paul also said the same for widows as well, though). Here’s my conundrum. I am a lesbian, therefore an abomination; however, if I choose to remain single (celibate), then it is better (so am I still an abomination?). So that forces me into a life where I will never have any relationships—a pretty sad state of affairs, don’t you think? Our current government has deemed that same-sex marriages are forbidden (under DOMA). If I could be legally married, then I would not be a fornicator, yet the noose around me is that I am still queer, so therefore still an abomination.

If the Bible is the divinely inspired word of God, then who is to say that by the time the words were captured on papyrus, the men so divinely inspired did not interpret it as they saw fit according to the times in which those words were inspired. I have already mentioned in my post below how we have since dispensed with certain passages as biblical rule, but to this day, no one will even suggest that homosexuality be dispensed with at the same time because through the ages, religious zealots have seen fit to propagate the belief that homosexuals are perverts (it’s become a strong-held belief, I believe, because people saw this as “different” from their own experiences, therefore immoral). Slavery was supported in the Bible. It is no longer allowed. Interracial marriages were not approved, but only recently have the courts deemed this as racist. No one wants to touch on the hot ticket of the day which has become the litmus test for all politicians, much like abortion was in previous political battles.

Your desire to read the true translations as you study other languages may prove interesting, especially as they may show wide differences across today’s various translations. In some churches, only the old King James version is considered THE Bible. I personally have found that the NIV is more homophobic across the board than others. Good luck with your studies and thank you for taking the time to share with me your thoughts.©2009

To Conform or Be Transformed

“I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed by this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.”

I can understand the first verse. It is exhorting each of us to keep our minds and bodies as a clean and pure vessel to be used of God. This isn’t to say that we reach a state of sinlessness—we’re human and all of us sin, but we all have within our reach the act of atonement and forgiveness, accompanied by the intention of repentance to present ourselves as that sacrifice. To present ourselves as that living sacrifice is to put ourselves before God and allow His handiwork to create in us a pure and new vessel—a vessel willing to be used by God according to His will. We are, in effect, stating, “Here am I Lord, use me.”

This is not an easy state to maintain. The believer must examine his or her heart daily to determine what sins, no matter how trivial they may appear, have been committed that day (sin is sin, and no one sin is greater than another, and all have consequences). To commit a sin separates us from God until we ask for forgiveness, so living a sinful life, or allowing a sin to control us simply inhibits us to be able to be a willing servant to be used by God. God can only use a clean vessel that is willing to be used to accomplish His work. This person must be in a right relationship with God in order to be used, a relationship filled with God’s grace—that gift of receiving that which we do not deserve

Verse 2 is more difficult to achieve. There is the inherent observation that there are followers of Christ living side-by-side with those that do not, or choose not to believe in His teachings. This verse asks us to be aware of our surroundings without becoming part of the actions of this world that are not of God—a delineation that is sometimes difficult to discern. This is where the work of the Holy Spirit comes in to play. By having a discerning Spirit within each of us, we are able to discern that sometimes imperceptible line. We each have the ability to choose to emulate the questionable ethics of this world—yes, to choose sin—or to rise above that and merely observe the behaviours of this world, but not getting sucked into its quicksand. Each of us has the capacity to be in the world—a fact that cannot be ignored—yet not be of this world by choosing behaviour that is pleasing in God’s eyes. This truly is the hard road to take and certainly the narrow path.

To be of the world is a matter of circumstance, a situation that none of us can escape. But, to merely be in it and not of it requires each of us to choose that which is harder—absolute obedience to God. Only in this obedience and our openness to be a clean vessel to be used by God can we discover what is that perfect will of God for each of us. And finding that will may not be one grand and glorious achievement—it could be as simple as living daily a humble and obedient life in service to God while seeking to be closer to God’s own heart with a fresh examination of our hearts each and every day for the revelations of imperfection.

None of us will ever achieve that state of perfection—only Jesus had that capability from the moment of conception. However, it is in this pursuit of attempting to be as close to perfect as we can that allows us to discern that Spirit to show us what that perfect will is. This pursuit of perfection is the act of allowing God to transform ourselves by the renewing of our minds. This requires one of the hardest concepts in a Christian’s life—the ability to let go of our earthly desires in order to achieve that place where we allow the freedom of God to truly work through us as His instruments in this world.©2007

To Be or Not To Be...

Psalm 119:11, 15-16 says “I have hidden Your Word in my heart. That I may not sin against You. I will study Your commandments and reflect on Your ways. I will delight in Your decrees and not forget Your Word.” This all speaks to obedience to God. In addition the first two commandments state: “1) You must not have any other god but me, and 2) you must not make for yourself an idol.”

When I made the decision to leave the gay community, my fierce self-independence did not allow me to relinquish my identity still as a lesbian. I felt, as I have said before, an ambassador without papers—a non-practicing, celibate lesbian.

However, has my insistence on my self-independence and proclamation that I am still a lesbian, albeit alone, created an idol for me? Has this determination resulted in being sidetracked to allow the enemy a toe-hold? Does this mean that I am following the letter of the law, but not the spirit of the law? Does this mean that I am tolerant of this sin by not renouncing my lesbian identity?

Even if I were to renounce that identity, don’t think for a moment, then, that automatically makes me straight. I can never see me living as a heterosexual. But, therein lies another question—does this mean that I know what I should do (by allowing God to work in me and mold me and shape me according to His will for my life) but I don’t follow through?

Will this result in my gradual deterioration of my relationship with God? I know that God loves me, but I won’t have full victory unless I fully obey. Despite my behavior, God has shown me mercy as defined as “not giving a person what he or she deserves.” The essence of sin is selfishness; the essence of God’s way is selflessness. Am I being selfish by exercising my self-independence and not recanting my identity?

Has God left obstacles in my path—my financial ruin and my bipolar disorder—to allow me to develop my faith and obedience? My idolatry of self-independence has led me to prioritize my failure to renounce my identity as a lesbian even though I no longer live as one. All I know is that I love God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength and I only want to be completely obedient. But this still begs the question: Am I just obeying the letter of the law and not the spirit of the law, and therefore not being fully obedient?©2007

How Do You Arrive At Your Beliefs?

The ability to have an opinion—a perception if you will—requires people to think long and hard on where they stand on issues along with the road that leads them there. This act of thinking is purposely an action verb that insists upon making up one’s own mind, not following in the footsteps of another.

Why do you take that stance on that issue? Is it because it is something you have researched in order to come to an informed decision? Or is it merely a position held by virtue of listening to the media’s spin on something, or worse yet, blindly following someone else’s lead because you believe them to be smarter than you? Each of us is entitled to our own beliefs and opinions on subjects at hand; it’s how to come to your conclusions that matters.

The media is certainly no place to place any weight on an opinion; they place their own spin on any issue based on what their opinion is. To be sure, there are some publications that are more unbiased than not, but as a general rule, one cannot assume that the articles read equally encompass both sides of any given issue.

Another insidious source of opinion is the church’s pulpit. While a Pastor, like every other person in this country, has the right to his or her own opinions, there is no room for those opinions to be preached. The pulpit should be reserved for the preaching of the Lord’s Word as defined by the Bible, not spouting some political diatribe and rhetoric that is hoisted upon us by using the Bible as conjecture for that position. Too many people in the congregation are like lambs being lead to the slaughter. They truly believe what is said in the pulpit, regardless of the subject matter, is the truth. I will admit, as long as it is the Word that is being faithfully preached without the Pastor’s personal opinion spun upon the subject, then that speaks of truth according to the Bible. When the Pastor ventures into the territory of the political domain, then I believe that creates a conflict of interest. The Church enjoys a tax-free status. If they choose to use their pulpit as a forum and venue to spout political conjecture, then they must be willing to give up their tax-free status. The concept of separation of Church and State cuts both ways.

The gay community has suffered long and hard at the hands of the fire and brimstone of “concerned” preachers. They spout, “love the sinner, hate the sin,” but, in reality, hating the sinner is the ultimate achievement by this sort of diatribe. Never before has there been a subject matter so venomously preached on as the wages of sin being death towards the gay community. It is as if this is the last stronghold upon which the church has to take. Oh, to be sure, abortion is still a viable arguable effort; however; it no longer raises the ire and brings together a small-minded community convinced that they must all inform the gay man or lesbian woman that they are going to hell.

So, how do you arrive at the conclusions or your stances on any given subject matter? Do you go to reliable, proven sources to make an informed decision, or do you become exactly like that lamb led to slaughter and jump on the bandwagon to follow others’ opinions because you don’t have the inclination to be responsible for your own beliefs? I chose to use the Bible as a reference for the Church’s stance on homosexuality as it is the source most Christians will fall back on to condemn a gay man or a lesbian to an eternal life in hell.

Each of us carries that enormous burden of being responsible for our opinions and beliefs because we should arrive at them with correct information to back up what those opinions indicate. Nevertheless, each of us is equally burdened with carrying out a dialog with someone of an opposing belief with compassion and understanding. This is the art of debate where two opposing tenets can be examined with openness and not accusation regardless of the subject matter. In addition, above all, when one arrives at a belief or an opinion based upon a personal experience, no one can argue over that experience because it is what it is: a personal example of what someone brings to the table to be discussed without theory or postulates. Anyone can spout invectives over a subject, but it does not lesson the personal experience of any one individual (e.g., is abortion considered OK, regardless of the term of pregnancy, when it is as a result of rape or incest?). Unless one has walked in the other’s shoes, one must honor these experiences during the expression of disagreement.

So again, I ask of you…what is the foundation behind your beliefs?©2007