Being Christian and Queer-Revisited

I’ve examined in some of my posts how I’ve missed my church since my whole debacle began. As I’ve alluded to, two of my biggest stumbling blocks to returning is (a) being around a group of people [thanks to my borderline personality disorder-BPD] and (b) how to explain my continued absence since being involuntarily committed due to my suicide attempt seven weeks ago.

When I attended a previous church, also an Assemblies of God, it was inherently homophobic because it preached, as they say, the full gospel—meaning that the Bible is the word of God chapter and verse. I was new to my relationship with God, and under the pastor’s teaching (at this point I had not been hit with those legendary homophobic clobber verses) I watched my relation with God grow immeasurably: it was close and personal—something I had never experienced before. My heart and spirit was full. Having been raised as a Roman Catholic when I was a child and teenager, I never got this.

I am not a theologian, but as I began to read the Bible, when I got to Leviticus 20, I continued to read all those laws set forth by God. So many of these “laws” had since been dismissed as we migrated to modern times [e.g., verse 10: “If a man commits adultery with his neighbour’s wife, both the man and the woman who have committed adultery must be put to death.” (NLT)]. I read that with a grain of salt as today adulterers are merely given a pass for a divorce. So, when I got to verse 13 “If a man practices homosexuality, having sex with another man as with a woman, both men have committed a detestable act. They must both be put to death, for they are guilty of a capital offense.” (NLT) I took this verse equally with a grain of salt. I am a lesbian and did not feel compelled to fall upon my sword, as it were.

Then this particular preacher, one Sunday, spent his whole sermon on why homosexuality was the worst sin in the bible. I was truly taken aback by his statement. Aside from quoting the verse in Leviticus, he did not proffer any specific verses that backed up what he said. I was enraged. After the service, I challenged him. I asked him to refer to the specific scripture that said that (because I never read that despite reading through various translations). He wanted to avoid this conversation with me totally, but I countered with reminding him that he always said that the Bible would prove its own truth. Again, I challenged him to point out where in the Bible was that specifically quoted and he hemmed and hawed. I told him, according to the Bible in Revelations 21:8 “But the cowardly, unbelieving, abominable, murderers, sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death.” (NKJV). Nowhere did it say that only the homosexuals would burn in this lake of fire, and even pointed out that the sexually immoral were not even listed first! He could not respond and just walked away and greeted other members.

Well, my identity as a lesbian was then outed and I was essentially shown the door unless I repented of my sins and turned from my evil ways—translation: become celibate. That only harkened back memories of the nightmares I had read on reparative therapy where there were retreats gays and lesbians could attend to be “cured” of their homosexuality (Exodus International comes to mind). Being a lesbian is who I am, not what I chose to be. I did not have something from which to be “cured.” I was incensed that there was this organisation whose primary focus was to brainwash these unsuspecting attendees.

As a result, I left this church. I also remember being angry with God for allowing His word to be selectively be taken out of context on this one particular verse. If the other verses throughout Leviticus had for the most part been dismissed as being a product of the times (e.g., not mixing clothes of mixed fabric and all of the dietary laws), why was this solitary verse being held accountable? As the times progressed and gay rights became the new poison pill upon which many political platforms were based (the new litmus test as abortion rights were before then), I saw how the war against gay rights was being funded and waged by so called Christian fundamentalists. Gay rights (or the lack thereof) were being slammed left and right from statehood amendments on same-sex marriages, employment discrimination (there are 29 states where it is legal to fire someone who is gay), to housing statutes, and economic parity through health insurance, not to even begin to mention how partners are treated when one of them is in the hospital and are denied visitation rights or not allowed to carry out the final wishes.

I became an ardent political activist lending my voice where it counted to fight these so-called arbitrary arguments. I live in the buckle of the Bible belt where churches are like gas stations—there is one on every corner. I had plenty of opportunities and venues to lend my voice to counter these fundamentalists. I still remember how I was treated in a discount chain store while wearing my equal rights t-shirt on the banner of the rainbow flag. I was bible-thumped from quite a few people (“shame on you,” “your kind will burn in hell,” etc.). I would not be reduced to their fanaticism and merely walked away from most of them. I was, however, trapped while standing in the cashier’s lane. The couple behind me started preaching to me to repent of my evil ways as all eyes were on me. You could hear a pin drop. At first I was not going to say anything (anything I could have said would only fall on deaf ears anyway), but the cashier smiled at me and said, “You aren’t going to let them get away with that crap, are you?” So I looked at this couple and calmly said that, while I respected that they had a right to their own opinion, this was one area that that we would have to agree to disagree—no rhetoric on my part. However, that did silence them.

During this intervening time, I met my then partner and I continued to wage my war. I was quite surprised to learn that she went to church. I asked her where could she possibly go without encountering what I had experienced and she told me all about the Metropolitan Community Church (MCC) that primarily caters to lesbian, gay, bi-sexual and transgendered persons (LGBT). Sorely missing my connection to God and the community of fellowship, I eagerly started attending with her. However, my spirit was not fed here. It was static and ritualistic and there didn’t seem to be any room for the Spirit to move. I continued to go with her for the duration of our partnership, but when that ended, I no longer attended.

I moved to a different area of town and laughingly I noticed there was a church right across the street from me. Being new to the neighbourhood, one of my neighbours left a beautiful potted plant on my front porch with a nice note welcoming me to the neighbourhood. This level of hospitality, I thought, had all gone the way of other pleasant Southern ways with everyone too busy with their jobs and lives. I walked over to thank her and we had a nice conversation. There was no doubt that I was a lesbian when we met from the bumper stickers on my car to the t-shirt I was wearing, but that did not seem to phase her. Then she cordially asked me if I attended a church (my warning signals were piqued at this point) and told her no and recounted my experience with my first pastor. She thought that story was horrible and invited me to attend their church’s fall picnic. When I reminder her that I was a lesbian, she didn’t care, said that her pastor was open-minded, and that I would not be judged. Therefore, I told her I would attend with full expectation to talk to the pastor at the outset and inform him that I was a lesbian. He didn’t seem to bat an eyelash and told me that I would be welcome at his church, but he did say this one thing, that he did preach the whole Bible and said that he did think homosexuality was a sin. But I was welcomed just the same as in “Whosoever….” We agreed to disagree and he told me that his congregation wouldn’t judge me.

At this point, I had missed my relationship with God, not because I had walked away in the intervening years, but I had missed hearing God’s word being preached and the fellowship of other believers. Being the butch that I am, when I dressed up for church I wore a coat and tie even amidst those that wore blue jeans and t-shirts. I liked his style of preaching and everything he said resonated deeply within me. I felt for the first time that I had found a church home. There were times after the services where the pastor and I would get involved in conversations about my homosexuality and he just smiled and told me that he always appreciated my honesty, and felt that I had contributed to his knowledge base as he had never had the chance to really get to know someone who was gay, and thought that our conversations were refreshing for him—a chance to learn something new. I respected him greatly and considered him a friend, a friendship that continued to grow over the three years that I have been attending.

Then something happened to me. While I was reading the Bible, I came across an important passage that became the cornerstone upon which I wanted to live my life. It was Romans 12:1-2: “(1) And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. (2) Don’t copy the behaviour and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” (NLT).

I thought long and hard what these verses meant to me. I came to the conclusion that I wanted my close personal relationship with God more than I needed my identity as a lesbian (however skewed that logic may seem to you). I felt by choosing to be celibate was my living sacrifice, and that turning my back on the gay community would be no longer conforming to customs of the world. This was a decision that did not come easily as it was fought with much prayer. Nevertheless, it was a decision that I felt at peace with at the time. I never denied that I was a lesbian, but like an ambassador without papers. I lived my life from that perspective for two years.

Well, politics raised its ugly head with what was up for grabs both in Congress and at the statewide level during this year. My hackles were raised again and my anger towards this massive inequality subjugating all LGBT persons to second-class citizens put me on fire. I became politically active again renewing my passion to see true justice served. I was truly saddened to see how forthright and mean-spirited the Christian fundamentalists had become since the previous elections, not to mention the incredible amounts of money they raised to fund their own political agenda (what ever happened to the separation of church and state?).

Unforeseen by me, my personal life became a disaster as my bipolar and borderline personality disorders (BP and BPD) reared their ugly head pushing me into a downward spiral that led me to my aforementioned attempted suicide. There was so much conflict swirling within me. When I was discharged from the hospital after 11 days, I couldn’t face going back to my church having done what I had. After my continued absence, what would have I told everyone, “Oh yeah, by the way, I tried to commit suicide.” I didn’t think that would go over well. I had a long talk with my pastor and told him of my renewed passion to fight for LGBT equality. In one post to this blog, where I bemoaned how miserable my life had become, someone commented “Even though you have turned away from Him - He still loves you and wants you back. Your dilemma is trying to hold on to both worlds. It's not possible. God wants you to choose to lay down your old life and allow Him to make you totally new. He has a peace waiting for you that you've never known (but are desperately seeking)- You've never known this peace because you've never fully turned your life over to Him.”

I couldn’t believe what I read. For the first time I was being judged, and I was accused that I had never fully turned my life over to God when that couldn’t have been further from the truth considered the sacrificial decision I had made only two years before. I was torn. Knowing what I did now, could I ever be welcomed back into that church under the circumstances of how I was living my life as a queer political activist. I was hurt because this church and its people meant so very much to me. I was filled with the Spirit at this church as I had never known before; the pastor’s teaching had always deeply affected me. A subsequent conversation with this person helped me understand the spirit it which the comment was made--not to judge, but wanting to reach out so desperately to me. Can I return and just let the chips fall where they may, or do I want to search for another church that is gay-affirming, not knowing if I would be filled and fed in the same way? My heart wants to return to this little church, but at what expense.©2009

Joy in the Face of Circumstances?

Well, I did not throw up and I did go to church. I was sweating bullets through Praise and Worship while standing; I had no energy whatsoever and was hanging on to everything I had just to be there. My exhaustion is so overwhelming.

Pastor preached on maintaining your joy despite whatever circumstances you are going through. I’ve been there before. After I was laid off, I knew in my heart that the Lord would provide for me and just pressed onward. Sure, there were many times when I was curled up like a baby on the floor of my bedroom in utter agony not knowing what the next day would bring, yet I was still able to focus on all of the good things with which the Lord had already blessed me. That focus brought me the strength I needed to endure the unknown at the time. And that strength was my joy. Sometimes it was just enough to know that I could trust in Him to make it through.

The scripture referenced this morning was found throughout Philippians 4. Key points: 1) learn to avoid comparisons. There will always be others that fare better than you. This will inevitably spawn the “fairness” questions back to God. One comment that hit home is that the mortality rate for the human being is 100%. So, what do we do with ourselves in the meantime? What do we set our eyes upon? 2) It is a myth that I must be liked in order to be happy. Well, that’s a hard one with which to grapple. I am alone. I am unhappy. No, not everyone I will come across will like me. Truth be told, I easily piss off most people. And you’ve read my rave reviews I’ve received from my immediate family in Birthday Cards. Pastor said that all I should be concerned with is that I please God. Well, I’m in trouble here. I acknowledge that I am a lesbian (albeit celibate, although I’m not sure if that isn’t just splitting hairs). Certainly that isn’t looked upon as being pleasing (no, I’m not going to drag all the biblical references to prove that one). I also run right smack into the two verses that I have really tried so hard to pattern my life after. So, where am I really as far as the conforming and the transforming? Am I really just a poser? 3) Pray for what can be changed and accept that which cannot be changed Phil 4:6-7. Again, another sticking point. I don’t believe being queer is a choice, so what can be changed there? Also, what about the whole bipolar shtick? It’s not something to be cured. Do I believe that God has the power to heal? Yes, I do. Will He cure me? Who knows? All I do know right now is that I am bipolar which drives to the very heart of so much that is wrong with my life. 4) Learn to accept God’s power in that there are circumstances that I can’t face alone 2 Cor 12:9.  5) Learning to allow for God’s provision Phil 4:18-19.  Both points 4 and 5 I’ve experienced first hand. I have seen God’s fingerprint on my life in such a way that it defies all other explanation (see My Own Personal Miracle elsewhere in this blog). 6) God will give you all you need if you put Him first in your life Matt 6:31-33.  This point comes with that great caveat: IF you put Him first. Do I? I am consumed with the by-products of being bipolar. I am consumed with wrestling with the concept of being Christian and queer. Am I just wrestling with the concept of being queer? Is it internalized homophobia? No, I don’t think that’s it. If anything, all of my life I’ve been a radical, in-your-face butch dyke.

If I try to follow my heart, I know His word tells me that so much of what I am internalizing are just the lies of the devil, but the bipolar keeps getting in the way. I can’t keep all these racing thoughts straight in my head. So, I end up not knowing what’s real and what isn’t. It’s information overload. I am drowning in the sea of “oughts” and “ams.”—who I should be vs. who I am. Am I who I should be? Why can’t I answer that question?©2009

The Art of Prayer

This past Sunday my Pastor at Faith Worship Center preached a powerful message on the art of prayer, and it was only the first of a two-part series. I learned that there were three parts to prayer: (a) me talking with God, (b) God speaking to me, and (c) that still quiet moment of lingering in God’s presence.

For the first time in quite a while, I can experience that still, quiet moment without all of those racing thoughts thundering in my head. I can sense the Spirit of God around me as I call upon Him to be in His presence. It’s as if I am cloaked with this invisible, yet tangible layer of protection. And to know I can be in this state at all times is a pretty powerful thought. But I have to choose to be in God’s presence willingly. He will always meet us just where we are just when we need him.

But, why only desire to call upon his presence at the time of great need? Do you realize that God wants to walk with you in the cool of the morning all day long? Think of what a powerful testimony you have to others as you enjoy his presence. Sometimes, being the voice of peace and calm amidst the clamor of the moment is all it takes.

Clearly, in comparison to many of my earlier posts, I have reached a steady-state balance, which has now lasted for almost two weeks. This is due in part to another drug introduced to my cocktail with the explicit aim of weaning me down to one maintenance drug. How refreshing for me to imagine only taking one bipolar med each day. This will be a six-month process at which point we will re-evaluate my condition.

However, this gives me pause for thought analogous to the chicken or the egg dilemma: is my relationship with God finally maturing because my bipolar is coming under control, or is my balanced state the result of allowing God to work in my life? Because I believe that all things are possible with God, I am choosing to hold on to the latter.©2007

Depression & the Spirit of God

As a result of my bipolar disorder I have written extensively about how I have battled the depression side of the equation. You have also noticed how richly I speak of the Lord in many of my posts. I’ve had people challenge me by saying that if I really did believe in God, that he would heal me of this disorder and I wouldn’t have to take all of these medications.

Granted, I will be the first to tell you that I believe in divine intervention and the healing of the sick when all else has proved impossible. Why some are cured and others are not is not my place to say. But I also do not believe in fleecing God (there is a passage in the Old Testament—Judges 7:36-40—where Gideon is to be used by God to rescue Israel as He promised, he decided to test God twice. The first time he set out a layer of fleece and told God if it was wet with dew the following morning and the surrounding land was dry, he would surely know that God was going to help Gideon rescue Israel. The next morning, that is exactly what happened. But then Gideon had to see one more sign from God, despite the numerous miracles he had already seen to date, before he was willing to commit to battle and have the assurance that God would be with him. This time he requested that the fleece remain dry while the countryside was covered in dew, and this occurred as well the following morning.). I believe that if it is God’s intentions to heal me of my bipolar disorder, I will discern that within my Spirit. I am not simply going off my medications to prove anything at all. I also realize that God works mightily through doctors and medicines. So, for the time being I continue my better living through chemistry.

I believe that God has quite a lot to say in the Bible about depression, passages that I have read, but ones that I should re-read and become intimately aware of, and to assign ownership of that knowledge. Too often, I have entertained myself in a pity party, yet there have been many times when I have been in very dark spaces that were quite a dangerous playground in which to be playing. As I have postulated before, depression for me is not about having a bad hair day, but a state in which there is utter hopelessness.

It almost seems like an oxymoron to have such strong beliefs in God, yet at the same time experience this hopelessness. However, I don’t believe that, when I am in this state, I am fully aware and cognizant of the power I behold through the name of Jesus. I know that the enemy has used this state of mind to confound me and put me in very dangerous positions, positions that nearly ended my life--some fairly recently.

I believe very strongly in the words of God found in the Bible. I believe that each and every word is from God. So I should, during these moments of clarity, take advantage and see exactly what God's promises are to me in regard to my depression.

Psalm 34:17 states that “The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles”

I believe in this passage that when I cry out to the Lord, He hears me and understands exactly how I am feeling. During the years that Jesus spent on this earth as a man, he suffered the same plights that each of us must endure every day and knows intuitively what we are going through. As a result, God feels exactly what our own hearts feel. He is a tender, loving Father that wishes nothing but the best for His children. I should take joy in these words as they tell me that I am not all alone.

Isaiah 43:2 says “When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty you will not drown, when you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.”

This leads me to believe once again that I am not alone. There is nothing more disheartening when I am depressed to feel so alone in this world. It only compounds the emotional pain. This passage also reminds us that God may not necessarily remove us from the storm we are weathering, but He does promise to steadfastly be with us. With God on our side, who can be against us?

1 Peter 4:12-13 says “Dear friends, don’t be surprised at the fiery trials that you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you. Instead, be very glad—for these trials make you partners with Christ in his suffering, so that you will have the wonderful joy of seeing his glory when it is revealed to all the world.”

This isn’t to say or indicate that we should be glad for our sorrows and tribulations, but, face it, what on earth could we ever go through that could even come close to the tribulations that Christ went through just for us. I am overwhelmed at the enormity of the suffering that He allowed himself to withstand because He knew it was His Father’s will. That puts my own suffering a quite a different perspective. To be able to sing of God’s praises in the midst of the storm is perhaps one of the most moving of all testimonies

Isaiah 40:31 “But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high like wings on eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint."

This one is a little harder for me to wrap my hands around. When I am in the pits of my depression, waiting is not something I am very good at doing, but knowing what I have to look forward to on the other side is what gives me the hope to sustain that faith. This speaks directly to the strength that faith brings to each of us.

2 Cor 1:3,4: “All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort that God has given us.”

What a testimony we have for others when we have walked through the fire and have been delivered by God’s own mercy and grace. Sometimes, the only way to witness to someone else is to let them know you have walked in the very same shoes they are walking in now. Sometimes the only people we will listen to are the ones who truly do understand what we are going through because we have been there ourselves. It’s not enough to preach the Good News when people are in this space, but to get down on their level and reach out with a comforting hand is like offering a sip of cold water to someone who is parched in the desert.

Romans 8:38, 39: “And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."

The image I have in my head when I read this scripture above is of a person hanging onto a pole for dear life while the wind is whipping all over the place and being battered by the force of the wind. I may feel battered, in fact, I may feel beat up quite badly, but knowing that nothing can ever separate me from God gives me that solace I need when everything else seems to be blowing away.

Phil 4:8: “And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honourable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.”

In other words, regardless of what our circumstances appear to be at any given moment in the depths of our despair, we know we have walked upright and righteously with the Lord at one point prior to this fall into depression and we have to hold onto those moments until we can navigate through the quicksand

Being bipolar and a mighty soldier of Christ can bring on a mixed bag of events. While we can, we have the ability to move mountains and lay claim to our heritage as being one of God’s precious children. However, as pointed out previously, there is nothing better that the enemy wants to do but divide you from your relationship with Christ. I do believe the enemy uses our own weaknesses to his own advantage, which is why we must be vigilant at all times. One of the scriptures in the Bible exhorts us to pray without ceasing. And, it is in these darkest of moments when I have to be able to reach out to God and grab on and not let go, knowing He is right there by my side.

I have to decide now whether I have the spiritual courage to be that mature Soldier of Christ and take ownership of all of God’s promises, or do I stay in this safe little corner hiding until the next round of depression comes upon me and become a spineless creature susceptible to all of the enemy’s efforts at weakening my defenses? A lot of this is easy for me to say these things right now as I am not in the pits of despair, but all the more reason for writing this down so I have this to go back to and read when I need it the most.

Do I wish I could be cured of my bipolar disorder? Of course I do. I hate the thought of knowing I have to depend upon medications for the rest of my life in order to maintain my sanity. However, I look to what I have been given as a child of God which makes all things of this world pale in comparison. None of us are promised a burden-free life. It is our responsibility to handle what is thrown our way. So, which path will you walk down where the rubber meets the road? I would like to think that I have matured in my walk with the Lord, even if only a little bit, that will give me so much more strength for when the times come for me to draw upon that strength.©2007

Obedience

This subject is one of the ones most talked about in the Bible. In fact, the entire first 5 books of the Bible convey to the reader exactly what is to be obeyed by the listing of all of the rules and regulations under the old covenant (according to Strong’s Concordance, a covenant is a will, testament, pact, contract, an agreed upon plan to which both parties subscribe). Jesus ratified the new covenant by the shedding of His blood and His death on the cross.)

God exhorts us to be obedient. In fact, in the Ten Commandments, only one of these provides a promise. The fifth commandment says “Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” The promise of a long life, if we are obedient to our earthly mother and father, can’t even compare to the promise that God has for each of us if we are obedient to Him.

How do we know what God wants from each of us? He has given us His word that we might seek from Him our purpose in life. One clue—it has nothing to do with us, but it is all about Him. I’ve written previously about needing to know God’s will for our life and even said that it may just be that we are shining examples to those around us by living an obedient life before the Lord. Should God have further goals for us in our lives and we haven’t yet discerned them through the reading of His word and a mighty prayer life, then, in the meantime, we are to be obedient.

Being obedient is more than just following the Ten Commandments. While a good start as a basic foundation, the Bible clearly comments on how we are to live our lives in relationship to other people. One excellent example is found in Galatians 5:22 where God speaks to the Fruit of the Spirit as “love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law” Note that God refers to this as the Fruit—singular. We are to espouse each of these characteristics as a whole, not just the ones we wish to honor. He also comments that there is no law that goes against the grain of the Fruit. We are to be obedient and yet also subscribe to this characteristics.

Obedience is definitely the narrow, harder path to follow. In our earthly desires, we often commit sin without realizing it because we have become desensitized to certain sins. A classic example is the sin of lying. How many times have you often thought, “Well, a little white lie won’t hurt anyone.”? There is someone who it will hurt and that is you. Because it is a sin, that act separates you from God at that given moment. It’s only through earnest, heartfelt prayer where we ask God to examine our hearts and reveal to us how we have sinned can we then ask for forgiveness. The flipside to this is repentance. Until you reach a point where you are no longer desensitized to a particular sin can you repent of it. Repentance involves the true effort to avoid that habitual sin, whatever that may be.

Turning your life over to God is a true, selfless act of obedience and one of the hardest. This requires absolute faith that God will always be at your side. That does not mean that life will be rosy. In fact, in some cases, it couldn’t be further from the truth. John 10:10 says, “The thief (Satan) does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life and that they may have it more abundantly.” When the enemy sees that you are trying to live your life according to God’s word, he will most surely object. Often, especially with a new Christian, life may become difficult in order to sway him or her from the narrow path that they have chosen. However, remember the second half of that verse: “that He comes so that we will have life more abundantly.”

God answers our prayers according to His timetable, not ours. Sometimes, instead of removing us from the storms of life we encounter, He, instead, chooses to hold our hand and walks us through the difficult times. I once heard this phrase, “if you can stand the stretch, God will pull you through.” Too often people will ask, “If God loves me, and I am true to His Word, why am I suffering like this?” There is no magical answer to this time-honored question. Very simply, having gone through a fire provides you with a lesson learned and the ability to witness to someone else weathering that same storm. What an honor it is to be used by God! You may have to endure difficult times, but to share the rainbow at the end of the hardship with someone else in those same shoes only bolsters the Kingdom of Christ.

When the enemy swoops in to separate you from God, and he will, it will be up to you to stand guard and remain ever vigilant to his intentions. Ephesians 6:11-13, 17 states that we are to “put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirit in the heavenly places. Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so that you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle, you will still be standing firm. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit which is the word of God.” By reading God’s word, we will know how to be obedient to Him, and He gives us another promise in the above scripture where He states that after the battle we will still be standing firm. Further, in Ephesians 6:18, God says "Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion, Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.” Believe me when I tell you that all of us who have accepted Christ as our Saviour and follow heartily after His word will encounter tests and tribulations. It is how we handle these tribulations that determine what we are made of. Do we take that stance, putting on that full armor of God and be obedient to His word, or do we falter and do as the world would have us do and take the easy way out?

As we read His word and grow in this knowledge, will we have a better understanding of what obedience is all about, and what is required of us. Above all, earnest prayer as we seek God’s presence in our lives will only strengthen our resolve to deny the ways of evil, take up our own cross, and follow the teachings of Christ.©2007

To Conform or Be Transformed

“I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed by this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.”

I can understand the first verse. It is exhorting each of us to keep our minds and bodies as a clean and pure vessel to be used of God. This isn’t to say that we reach a state of sinlessness—we’re human and all of us sin, but we all have within our reach the act of atonement and forgiveness, accompanied by the intention of repentance to present ourselves as that sacrifice. To present ourselves as that living sacrifice is to put ourselves before God and allow His handiwork to create in us a pure and new vessel—a vessel willing to be used by God according to His will. We are, in effect, stating, “Here am I Lord, use me.”

This is not an easy state to maintain. The believer must examine his or her heart daily to determine what sins, no matter how trivial they may appear, have been committed that day (sin is sin, and no one sin is greater than another, and all have consequences). To commit a sin separates us from God until we ask for forgiveness, so living a sinful life, or allowing a sin to control us simply inhibits us to be able to be a willing servant to be used by God. God can only use a clean vessel that is willing to be used to accomplish His work. This person must be in a right relationship with God in order to be used, a relationship filled with God’s grace—that gift of receiving that which we do not deserve

Verse 2 is more difficult to achieve. There is the inherent observation that there are followers of Christ living side-by-side with those that do not, or choose not to believe in His teachings. This verse asks us to be aware of our surroundings without becoming part of the actions of this world that are not of God—a delineation that is sometimes difficult to discern. This is where the work of the Holy Spirit comes in to play. By having a discerning Spirit within each of us, we are able to discern that sometimes imperceptible line. We each have the ability to choose to emulate the questionable ethics of this world—yes, to choose sin—or to rise above that and merely observe the behaviours of this world, but not getting sucked into its quicksand. Each of us has the capacity to be in the world—a fact that cannot be ignored—yet not be of this world by choosing behaviour that is pleasing in God’s eyes. This truly is the hard road to take and certainly the narrow path.

To be of the world is a matter of circumstance, a situation that none of us can escape. But, to merely be in it and not of it requires each of us to choose that which is harder—absolute obedience to God. Only in this obedience and our openness to be a clean vessel to be used by God can we discover what is that perfect will of God for each of us. And finding that will may not be one grand and glorious achievement—it could be as simple as living daily a humble and obedient life in service to God while seeking to be closer to God’s own heart with a fresh examination of our hearts each and every day for the revelations of imperfection.

None of us will ever achieve that state of perfection—only Jesus had that capability from the moment of conception. However, it is in this pursuit of attempting to be as close to perfect as we can that allows us to discern that Spirit to show us what that perfect will is. This pursuit of perfection is the act of allowing God to transform ourselves by the renewing of our minds. This requires one of the hardest concepts in a Christian’s life—the ability to let go of our earthly desires in order to achieve that place where we allow the freedom of God to truly work through us as His instruments in this world.©2007

Trust & Obey

These are hard words to live by, and I have to keep repeating this to myself every day, almost as if it has become my mantra. The Zyprexa has made some significant difference in my mood stabilization and I’ve been weaned down on my Geodon from 80mg in the morning and 240 mg in the evening to 80mg/80mg. I’m still taking 200mg of Lamictal once in the morning and the other at bedtime along with 20mg of Zyprexa at bedtime and 2mg of Klonopin three times a day and Ambien CR at night. Throw that in with my Nexium and my two asthma drugs and you’ve got a good idea of how many medications I have to be on (Oh, yeah, and there is my Vitamin B-12 shot that I give to myself every month—I discovered, even though I had been a junkie for 20 years shooting up speedballs, giving myself am IM shot was more intimidating that popping a vein!)

Being in the Word everyday has given me something to hold on to. That goes back to this header of trust and obey. I know that God has a plan for each of us; for me all I can say is that I am to be obedient right now as I have not discerned what that plan may unfold.

I have written to a local Christian radio station asking if they needed any volunteers that could use me a couple of hours a week and on Saturdays and a means of tithing my time and being around a strong group of believers. As I’ve indicated with past entries, I have no real friends. If this radio station decides that they can use my help, this may be a venue I can use to build my friendship base. I wrote both the program director as well as the promotions director and I am looking forward to their response. I will admit to feeling someone disappointed if their reply indicates that they already have enough volunteers.

I need to get out of the house. It truly has become my castle without a drawbridge and I am determined to do something about it. If they can’t use me, I’m not sure where I could spend my energy. I though about Meals on Wheels, but that will eat up what precious gas I can barely afford to put into my car. Staying at home and isolating is not a good thing for me. I wish there were more singles in my church that would be able to get together on some type of schedule just to go out as a group and have some fun, but from what I can tell, most are already coupled. That’s OK with me; it just eliminates one possible option. I have made some wonderful friends at the church, but it is a different component of friendship when I am single and they are coupled.

One thing I have felt God really moving in my heart is my unwillingness to give up my identity as a lesbian, albeit celibate. It truly has become a situation where I am following the letter of the law and not the spirit of the law. I am not allowing God to work through me to change what needs to be changed. I want to be cleansed from the inside out and I can’t help but feeling that my adamant refusal to give up that identity is getting in the way of God being able to finish the work he has begun in me. I just want my own life not to get in the way of what God surely has as a great and mighty plan in store for me.

I do worry what the enemy has in mind. I know what happened the last time I made this type of decision. I ended up in the hospital because I was suicidal. And I will admit that I have faced that this time around as well, but since adding the Zyprexa, my mood has become much more stable. I have to be ever vigilant to how the enemy works through my weaknesses and exploits them for the furtherance of his cause. I have to believe that if the enemy can use my bipolar for evil, can’t God use it for good? This is where my faith must step in. I have to believe that if I do trust and obey—hold on to all that I believe—I will be delivered from this miry clay. That’s doesn’t necessarily mean that I will no longer have bipolar, but it may mean that I will be in remission and be able to work with it successfully. I have been there once before. What’s to say I won’t be there again?©2007

Meds Update

I’ve had a different medication added to my cocktail—Zyprexa. I know its propensity to cause massive weight gain as I was on it before I had my gastric bypass surgery. As a result, I am monitoring my caloric and volume intake very strictly. The goal is to get me down to one drug as I progress into remission. I have quite a way to go before I reach that stage; the doctor indicates it will probably be a six-month journey for me.

I’ve noticed a difference in the stability of my moods (and the increased appetite!), and I have discovered that I am missing my manic highs. It was during those periods I was most creative. I haven’t felt the urge to write any poetry or much of anything else since I started the Zyprexa. I’ve heard other bipolar patients say that the reason why they would go off of their medications was to gain back the mania and creativity.

My main concern is achieving mood stability that has been a long time in coming for me this time around. I have been battling the depression end far more frequently this time than the mania—depression that has become completely crippling and affecting my job performance and everything else in my normal daily routine.

So, After two-and-a-half weeks of Zyprexa I am just beginning to see some sense of increased balance at the expense of the loss of the mania. This has definitely become a double-edged sword for me! I don’t know if I will ever be able to write again, or if I am just suffering from writers block. Time will tell

I am also trying very hard to cling to my faith right now. In my angst in the midst of a bout of depression, I just fell to my knees in despair knowing that the only person I had to turn to was God. He reminded me that it was time to fish or cut bait. He told me that he has given me the tools to walk upright in His glory and to claim the victory, so use the tools and grow up. I recognized that as being a loving chastisement of a loving Father.

In the midst of the depression it is often the hardest to remember to use my spiritual tools, but today I can claim the victory for these 24 hours and I’ll take what I can when I can. The true test now, for me, is how I will handle my next bout of depression. Will I allow myself to succumb to my weakness, or will I decide to call upon my Father to intercede on my behalf, knowing full well that He knows exactly what I am going through because Jesus walked in the same footsteps and understands my trials and tribulations. I want to become a mature Christian rather than staying stuck as a child looking for guidance. I am in the Word every morning and I study it faithfully and what resonates for me right now is “Trust and Obey” I know for a fact that He will never leave me nor forsake me, and I stand upon that promise.©

To Be or Not To Be...

Psalm 119:11, 15-16 says “I have hidden Your Word in my heart. That I may not sin against You. I will study Your commandments and reflect on Your ways. I will delight in Your decrees and not forget Your Word.” This all speaks to obedience to God. In addition the first two commandments state: “1) You must not have any other god but me, and 2) you must not make for yourself an idol.”

When I made the decision to leave the gay community, my fierce self-independence did not allow me to relinquish my identity still as a lesbian. I felt, as I have said before, an ambassador without papers—a non-practicing, celibate lesbian.

However, has my insistence on my self-independence and proclamation that I am still a lesbian, albeit alone, created an idol for me? Has this determination resulted in being sidetracked to allow the enemy a toe-hold? Does this mean that I am following the letter of the law, but not the spirit of the law? Does this mean that I am tolerant of this sin by not renouncing my lesbian identity?

Even if I were to renounce that identity, don’t think for a moment, then, that automatically makes me straight. I can never see me living as a heterosexual. But, therein lies another question—does this mean that I know what I should do (by allowing God to work in me and mold me and shape me according to His will for my life) but I don’t follow through?

Will this result in my gradual deterioration of my relationship with God? I know that God loves me, but I won’t have full victory unless I fully obey. Despite my behavior, God has shown me mercy as defined as “not giving a person what he or she deserves.” The essence of sin is selfishness; the essence of God’s way is selflessness. Am I being selfish by exercising my self-independence and not recanting my identity?

Has God left obstacles in my path—my financial ruin and my bipolar disorder—to allow me to develop my faith and obedience? My idolatry of self-independence has led me to prioritize my failure to renounce my identity as a lesbian even though I no longer live as one. All I know is that I love God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength and I only want to be completely obedient. But this still begs the question: Am I just obeying the letter of the law and not the spirit of the law, and therefore not being fully obedient?©2007

My Fears and Struggles

I have spoken much of my despair of late and the fear I have trembling within my heart. And I realize that God did not give me a spirit of fear but a Spirit of love and of a sound mind (2 Tim 1:7). Also, I am reminded that fear is from the enemy and not of God, and all my enemy wants is to take away everything away from me. “The thief does not come except to kill, steal and to destroy. I have come that they may have life and they may have it more abundantly.” (John 10:10).

Strong’s Concordance defines abundantly as this: “superabundance, excessive, overflowing, surplus, over and above, more than enough, profuse, extraordinary, above the ordinary, more than sufficient.” With that in mind, knowing that my fear of from the enemy, this is his way to destroy this abundance that I am promised by God.

I know I struggle back and forth over many areas and, while I know my bipolar is a function of a great deal of that struggle, my spiritual struggle is fueled by the enemy, and I will not let him have that control over me. I will have victory over the enemy through Jesus.©2007

Pressing Onward

There are times when I don’t know
From where my next breath will come.
I set my eyes upon the tribulations of my world
When I know they should be squarely on the Lord.
Please forgive me Father for faltering when I do;
I know that that you are all I need in this world.

It’s true we are not given a spirit of fear,
Yet I tremble at the lessons
I may have to learn along the way.
My life up until now has been very easy
But this is when I did not have to depend upon my Lord.

When things are going smoothly, it’s easy to lose sight.
God is ever present no matter what our condition.
Funny how we never call upon Him until there’s no one else,
How lonely He must get if all we do
Is run to Him when we have our problems.

He only wants the best for His children
And all of us are called by our name.
The key is to remember that he is steadfast and solid.
It’s not Him who has grown distant and far away, but us
When we don’t acknowledge Him in both the good times and in the bad.

It’s easy to praise Him when the light shines so bright,
When troubles seem distant and far removed.
So where is that praise when the darkness comes swooping in?
God is still there just waiting for us to call upon Him
And offer Him praise and thanksgiving for all that we have.

It’s easy to cry out for help when the times grow so weary,
Maybe that’s when God has our complete attention.
But isn’t it a bit selfish to come to expect rescue
Only when we need Him—what about when He needs us?
We need to praise Him through the storms, as he richly deserves.

He covets a relationship with each and every one of us.
He is deserving of our praise whether we feel like it or not.
Because our friendship with Him is not based on feelings;
Rather, it is grounded in the faith that He is always by our side.
Whether or not we feel His presence, He is always there to lend His guiding hand

So, where is our resolve to lift up our countenance upon Him when we are down?
Where are our joyful praises when we can only muster a trembling thought?
He gave us a spirit of love and a strong mind; it is only proper to thank him.
How, you say, can we offer thanks when our world seems so bleak?
That, my friend, is what God’s love is all about. He is there, and so must we be.
©2007

The Voice of Reason

Alone
Singular
Isolated
Desolate
Barren
Distrusting

The world around me is collapsing
Small glimpses of what is to come
The fear of the unknown
The overwhelming fear is surmounting

We aren’t given a spirit of fear
But of a sound mind
On the contrary, my mind is a maze
Never starting
Never ending
Cannot breathe
There is no escape

Stop. Think.
What are my choices
To continue to listen to the chaos in my head
That shuts out all rational thought

I can’t go on this way
I am at the end of my rope
Step by step I praise You,
And I will follow You all of the days of my life

My thoughts are disjointed
My mind has become split into two
Half wanting desperately to believe
Half desiring to succumb to the pressures before me

Where do I turn
My heart knows better—to follow my Spirit
My head however rules and refuses to listen to reason
My sanity is still a blur
But I am hanging on the sheer thread
That at the end of the day truth wins out
And that Hope and Faith will prevail
©2007

Faith---The Evidence of Things Not Seen

“If you have faith of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.” (Matt 17:20). “Why are you so fearful? How is it that you have no faith?” (Mk 4:40). “Or in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith to faith; as it is written, ‘the just shall live by faith.’” (Rom 1:17). “So, the faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God.” (Rom 10:17). “Do you have faith? Have it to yourself before God. Happy is he who does not condemn himself in what he approves. But he who doubts is condemned if he eats, because he does not eat from faith, for whatever is not from faith is sin.” (Rom 14:22-23).

The Bible’s Concordance is filled with references to faith throughout the entire Scripture. My title infers that faith is the evidence of things not seen. Does that mean that, as a Christian, I am simply to live by faith alone despite the circumstances that are tumbling furiously around me? Through prayer and faith, I should be able to simply turn all my troubles over to God and truly believe that He shall prevail over all my circumstances.

My Christian life, new as it is in the grand scheme of things considering that I will be fifty in April, has been one of some steps forward and some steps backward. That is the nature of growth. Right now, I guess I am in the backward mode. I look at my life and my circumstances and I simply cannot breath. I cry and ask myself just where my faith is when I need it most. And, according to one of the passages listed above, whatever is not from faith is from sin.

How has my life become the shambles it has? There are truly days when my faith has been so strong I felt as though I could surmount anything tossed my way. However, of late, no matter how hard I pray, I feel as though I have lost all touch. I know by reading the Word that my relationship with God is not based upon feelings, but on faith. Therefore, supposedly, I should endure these dry spells on my faith alone despite how I feel.

Easier said than done. When I am literally faced with being one paycheck away from being homeless, the realities of my life interfere with my ability to think clearly about what my duties should be as a Christian. It’s not that I don’t believe—I believe with all my heart—but I am suffocating. Is this the enemy coming to interfere with my faithful walk with the Lord? I do believe that it is.

I feel as though I should ask for forgiveness for my weaknesses. People tell me that grand bumper sticker of all time, “Let go, and let God.” I do let go at times, but times such as these, I grab it back and try to take control on my own. But, I know that there is absolutely nothing I can do in my own strength to solve my enormous problems. I also know that the only one who can come to my rescue is God. I can write all of this down quite rationally, but if you could see the terror in my eyes, the thump of my heart or my breath whisk, you would understand how incredibly powerless I feel.

Believing in God and letting go and having faith is not giving up—despite what the secular world would have me believe. These are just my steps backward. I feel as if this is my season in the wilderness—just as the Israelites wandered for 40 years because of their disobedience and lack of faith. Am I being disobedient now because of my lack of faith? I have so many questions and am so confused. The Bible tells me that God will never forsake me. It also says that God will never cast any burden upon my shoulders more than I can bear. The former I have to believe in. It’s simply the latter that I question right now. Either way, I no longer feel as though I have any more answers left. ©2007

A Lesson From Geese (author unknown)

Have you ever wondered why migrating geese fly in a V formation? As with most animal behavior, God had a good reason for including that in their instincts.

As each bird flaps its wings, it creates uplift for the bird following. In a V formation, the whole flock adds at least 71% more flying range than if each bird flew alone.

Whenever a goose falls out of formation, it suddenly feels the drag and resistance of trying to fly alone…and quickly gets back into formation.

Like geese…people who share a common direction and sense of community can get where they are going quicker and easier than those who try to go it alone.

When a goose gets tired, it rotates back into the formation and another goose flies at the point position. If people had as much sense, they would realize that, ultimately, their success depends on working as a team, taking turns doing the hard tasks, and sharing leadership.

Geese in the rear of the formation honk to encourage those up front to up their speed. It is important that out “honking from behind” be encouraging. Otherwise, it is—well—honking.

When a goose gets sick or wounded, two other geese drop out of formation and follow it down to help and provide protection. They stay with the unhealthy member of the flock until it is either able to fly again or dies.

Then they launch out again with another passing flock or try to catch up with their own. May we be so sacrificial that we may be worthy of such friends in our time of need.

You don’t have to be a scientist to learn from God’s marvelous creation; you only need to stop long enough to observe and let God reveal His wonders to you.

“Ask the beasts, and they will teach you; and the birds of the air, and they will tell you, or speak to the earth, and it will teach you; and the fish of the sea will explain to you. Who among all these does not know that the hand of the Lord has done this?” (Job 12:7-9)

"Footprints"...A New Version (author unknown)

Imagine you and the Lord Jesus are walking down the road together. For much of the way, The Lord’s footprints go along steadily, consistently, rarely varying the pace.

But your footprints are a disorganized stream of zigzags, starts, stops, turnarounds, circles, departures and returns.

For much of the way, it seems to go like this, but gradually your footprints come more in line with the Lord’s, soon paralleling His consistently.

You and Jesus are walking as true friends!

This seems perfect, but then an interesting thing happens: your footprints that once etched the sand next to Jesus’ are not walking precisely in His steps.

Inside his larger footprints are your smaller ones; you and Jesus are becoming one.

This goes on for many miles, but gradually you notice another change. The footprints inside the large footprints seem to grow larger.

Eventually, they disappear altogether. There is only one set of footprints. They have become one.

This goes on for a long time, but suddenly the second set of footprints is back. This time it seems even worse! Zigzags all over the place. Stops. Starts. Gashes in the sand. A variable mess of prints.

You are amazed and shocked.

Your dream ends.

Now you pray:

“Lord, I understand the first scene, with zigzags and fits. I was a new Christian; I was just learning. But you walked on through the storm and helped me learn to walk with you.”

“THAT IS CORRECT.”

“And when the smaller footprints were inside of Yours, I was actually learning to walk in Your steps, following You very closely.”

“VERY GOOD. YOU HAVE UNDERSTOOD EVERYTHING SO FAR.”

“When the smaller footprints grew and filled in Yours, I suppose that I was becoming like You in every way.”

“PRECISELY.”

“So, Lord, was there a regression or something? The footprints separated, and this time it was worse than at first.”

There is a pause as the Lord answers, with a smile in His voice.

“YOU DIDN’T KNOW? IT WAS THEN THAT WE DANCED!”

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: a time to weep, a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance. (Ecclesiastes 3:1,4)

It not WHAT you have in your life, but Whom you have in your life that counts…Think about that.