Doctors, Dentists, Insomnia, Oh My!

Well, it’s 0220. I’ve been up since 0030. So much for getting quality sleep tonight (or should I say this morning). One thing that has changed for me is this daily need I have now to take a mid-day three-hour nap which does me wonders. I’ll be sitting on my couch listening to music and just start nodding off, so I figure I might as well crawl into bed. The naps have had no measurable affect on my nighttime sleeping; I’m still getting the two-three hours. However, waking up at 0030 for the day makes for a long day!

I went to see the dentist yesterday for my six-month check up and they found a cavity at MY age. They told me most probably it is as a result of the long-term dry mouth I’ve been dealing with since going on the high blood pressure medicines. I loathe dental pain. After the check-up, the receptionist told me that they had a cancelation for 0830 this morning, so I took it. I can hardly wait. The shots of novocaine are giving me the chills as we speak, not to mention the sound of the drill.

Then at 1400 I get to meet with a clinical trial specialist at my GP’s office to see if I qualify for a study that may make me eligible to receive my iron IV infusions for free (otherwise, I cannot afford it). So many factors must come into play when determining who is eligible. I look at the fact that I am a smoker in addition to all the meds I am currently take. Any little detail could put me out of the running. I sure hope the novocaine has worn off before this meeting. The last thing I need to do is drool in front of this person!

What really amazes me about my sleep patterns is that when I awoke tonight after only three hours of sleep, I felt totally rested and ready to start the day. Maybe I should become a day trader in the Asian market.©2009

Utter Contempt

This post was never meant to be. Late last night, with full resolve, I put into place my deeply rooted desire to carry out my intended plan so foolishly done with exacting ineptitude only five  weeks earlier. However, quite obviously, this did not transpire.

Instead, I have been up all night, in my castle without a drawbridge, inspecting and taking inventory of how fucking miserable my life really is. I am fuming, livid if you will that, I have been unable to carry forth my intent. I sat there looking at everything and just wailed at my utter, incompetent nature to go through this and curled up in fetal position and cried all this whole time, getting even more enraged at the stupid lack of action (spinelessness, my Achilles' heel) which only proliferated my feeling of being a total failure. Despite the fact that I actually carried out my intent 5 weeks ago, I am fuming that I was unable to go through this in view of the knowledge of the abject uselessness of my desolate life. I am quite numb at the moment, steeling myself from all other emotion. I cannot understand why the fuck I cannot go through with my actions now—so easily attainable such a short time before. I take back the feeling of being numb—I am enraged beyond all comparison. All I heard was this loud voice that kept yelling over, “Go ahead, kill yourself, I dare you to have the balls to do this, you inept asshole,” over and over, covering my ears and yelling at it to shut the fuck up as if covering my ears would make such a difference. I cannot believe, nor do I have the words, to describe the contempt in which I hold myself. My utter failure at my most piercing desire only proves to myself how stupid, miserable and useless I am.©2009

Forgetting and Remembering

My history haunts me
Like a bad dream repeating
I’m tired of all of the reminders
Of things I’d just as soon forget

It doesn’t take much
To spark a rather forgotten memory
How long must I be reminded
Of what I’d just as soon forget

Just when I think I’ve made progress
I get hit with a spark of the past
The pain, the injustice, the sadness
Of what I’d just as soon forget

There are days that are better than most
And thankfully there are more than not
But soon the recollection sneaks in
Of what I just as soon forget

Then there are times when it’s all I feel
The isolation, the desertion, the failure
The pain is fresh like it happened yesterday
Of what I’d just as soon forget

I have to trust that time heals all wounds
And, as time goes by, I’ve created a new life
One of hopes and promises and a future
Of what I’d just as soon remember
©2007