17 November 2009

Utter Contempt

This post was never meant to be. Late last night, with full resolve, I put into place my deeply rooted desire to carry out my intended plan so foolishly done with exacting ineptitude only five  weeks earlier. However, quite obviously, this did not transpire.

Instead, I have been up all night, in my castle without a drawbridge, inspecting and taking inventory of how fucking miserable my life really is. I am fuming, livid if you will that, I have been unable to carry forth my intent. I sat there looking at everything and just wailed at my utter, incompetent nature to go through this and curled up in fetal position and cried all this whole time, getting even more enraged at the stupid lack of action (spinelessness, my Achilles' heel) which only proliferated my feeling of being a total failure. Despite the fact that I actually carried out my intent 5 weeks ago, I am fuming that I was unable to go through this in view of the knowledge of the abject uselessness of my desolate life. I am quite numb at the moment, steeling myself from all other emotion. I cannot understand why the fuck I cannot go through with my actions now—so easily attainable such a short time before. I take back the feeling of being numb—I am enraged beyond all comparison. All I heard was this loud voice that kept yelling over, “Go ahead, kill yourself, I dare you to have the balls to do this, you inept asshole,” over and over, covering my ears and yelling at it to shut the fuck up as if covering my ears would make such a difference. I cannot believe, nor do I have the words, to describe the contempt in which I hold myself. My utter failure at my most piercing desire only proves to myself how stupid, miserable and useless I am.©2009


  1. Alix -

    You were hearing the voice of Satan this morning. He wants to kill, steal and destroy you. God is saying "Stop, Don't kill yourself, I love you, My son already died for you, I have a plan for you, you are my daughter."

    Even though you have turned away from Him - He still loves you and wants you back. Your dilemma is trying to hold on to both worlds. It's not possible. God wants you to choose to lay down your old life and allow Him to make you totally new. He has a peace waiting for you that you've never known (but are desperately seeking)- You've never known this peace because you've never fully turned your life over to Him.

    I DARE you to TOTALLY give GOD a chance! You've been searching long enough. I think you know where to find what you are seeking - but you're afraid to give your dearest possession up. I DOUBLE DARE YOU! Why continue to be utterally miserable one more day!

    It's up to you. PLease choose God and a total relationship with Jesus. He wants your WHOLE heart! You know how to reach me if you ever want to talk.

    Still praying!


    Romans 8 (KJV) (A few verses - entire chapter great)

    31What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?

    32He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?

    33Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God's elect? It is God that justifieth.

    34Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us.

    35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

    36As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.

    37Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

    38For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

    39Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

  2. How dare you sit there and judge me and tell me that I NEVER fully turned over my life to Him, because I did with all my heart, mind, soul and strength and trusted Him for everything—and I DID give up my prized possession at quite a cost. Just because I didn’t “convert” and declare myself straight does NOT mean I did not give everything I knew. And yes, I did know that peace you speak of even in the midst of all the turmoil I’ve gone through with my job.

    Yes, I have made some decisions that concern, as you put it, my prized possession, but that is driven by the fact that I am sick and tired of all the political decisions that have been made over the recent years relegating the gay community to second-class citizens, solely driven by “Christian” fundamentalists. Hatred is NOT a family value.

    As far as turning my back on God, at this point in my life, I simply do not care about anything or anyone period. I am finished with trying; I am done with it all.

  3. I'm sorry...I don't want to be disrespectful. Mental illness is NOT caused by some invisible demon who is out to get us. As a teen some "adults" tried to fill my head with those types of ideas and it did nothing but make things worse. Alix, you have been making huge progress through therapy and a willingness to accept change. Keep on doing what you are doing!

  4. Alix, I really don't know you very well in person, but I want you to know that I do care. I "see" who you are through this blog and you know what - it doesn't scare me, doesn't offend me, or make me want to turn away. Hang in there and know that people do care.

  5. @Blissseeker: Thank you for continued support and compassion. I know that many of you understand what I wrestle with; I don’t believe that my mental illnesses are borne of any “sin” I have committed, thus visited upon by Satan. Hearing voices is the taboo part of mental illness as witnessed by people most least likely to understand the fine intricacies of bipolar or borderline personality disorder. Hearing voices is part of the psychosis. This instance with my current post has not been my first experience with hearing “them.” I feel, after that last incident, I am back to square one. Today I can say that I am not suicidal, but that is only for right now. The depths of the depression I can sink has direct bearing on feeling suicidal. For me, the mood swings from manic to severe depression only makes me revisit that space where there doesn’t appear to be any other option. Right now, I feel nothing; I am quite numb. Being numb is a safe place for me.

    @Anonymous: thank you for taking the time to inscribe a comment and for reading my blog. There are times, albeit few, when I can admit to myself that people care, yet the very influences of borderline personality disorder creates within me the concept that people don’t really care about me. There have been occasions when I have allowed others to “see” a part of me without my mask and they are not scared away, so thank you for accepting me for who I am. There is a good book I have whose title can sum up part of BPD and my relationship with people. It entitled, “I Hate You; Don’t Leave Me.” My relationship with others is tenuous at best—as a result, I chase everyone away by my mere action or words which is my intended reaction. Most people are not immune to words or actions whose very intent is to repel.