You’ve made a decision, one you thought was correct
And honored it with every thought, word and deed
Although the process was hard, steep and rocky
You stuck to your guns and dug your heels in
And honored it with every thought, word and deed
Although the process was hard, steep and rocky
You stuck to your guns and dug your heels in
At first, once the deed was complete, all seemed fine
You knew in your heart it was the best thing to do
You surrounded yourself with what affirmed your position
Which bought you protection you knew you would need
You dove yourself in your new world with a fervor
With that very same passion from that which you left
You were supported and provided with compulsory tools
For this transformation from the old world to the new
Well, life comes at you hard, the tools must be used
But leaving the life you once only knew
Spelled a series of troubles that came unannounced
And set yourself up to rethink your position
You’ve lost your old life and the new one’s too fresh
With the exception of two, do they know who you are
You’ve lifted your veil and removed the façade
But all of this pales to the life you once had
You’re alone charting waters so foreign and distant
You suddenly realize you want what you had
Those relationships and friends that held you together
And your old haunts are tugging for all your attention
Immediately you struggle back to the top of that path
And are standing so squarely at the fork in the road
You look down that broad side so cleanly and crisp
And teeter so slightly at making that step
It’s oh so inviting this choice to be sure
That will ease up that heartache with nary a thought
Those friends that can surround you and regale you with ease
The very same ones you left in the dust
The anguish you feel at the end of the day
You’re much alone with no one to share
The minutiae that life bring into your being
The void that is created is too much to bear
So which way do you turn at this fork in the road
Do you follow the truth and head down the hard path
Or choose the familiar of that which you knew
Whatever the choice there will be consequences for sure
©2007
Alix, I can't pretend to understand why you have decided to quit being queer...it's not something you just walk away from, it is who you are. you yourself said it, it's not about it ever being a choice. I can see you torn and pulled apart in this piece all because you feel there is something wrong about being a lesbian. You've lived this life long enough to know that its not something you just get up from and walk away from. I can't help wonder if this isn't the reason why you have written so many beautiful yet so depressing pieces because you are denying to yourself the very person you are. what do you think this is doing to you as far as your battle with bipolar?
ReplyDeletewhat a battle you must be having---a real struggle between what you want and what you think is right. we all go through those struggles at various points in our lives, except we aren't all bipolar. being bipolar makes this struggle all the harder because its hard to distinguish between right and wrong when your cycling big time. I really liked this piece because you so very well described the emotional tug of war you are going through..
ReplyDeleteAlix, What a great description of where we all are and what we all experience regardless of gender identity!
ReplyDeleteWhat a great description of the riptide current that pulls at all of our hearts every day....for what "used-to-be."
I'm going to share something with you that is quite personal. I was in love once, very much in love, with someone who is not my wife. I was single at the time.
I, like you, came to a crossroads. I took the difficult, narrow path..
following God's voice rather than the wide, smooth highway full of yesterdays pleasures....I think it was called "Easy Street." It certainly was the easier of the two roads!!!!
Years later, my Dad asked me if I would ever go back to my first love if she was to become "available?"
Here was my answer. Dad, I was in love with an 18 year old woman, my memories are of an 18 year old girl, her voice, her kiss, her laugh, is 18 years old. Besides, I love my wife.
Here's the point......most of the time, what we want to go back to is no longer there.....and if it is there, it has changed so much that what we do find will be a stranger, a cruel joke, a caricature of the real thing.
Imagine the suprise I would get... going back to try and reclaim a previous life, a long-lost love, an idylic memory.....only to find a forty-something housewife complete with wrinkles, grey hair, and frayed nerves. (No disrespect intended...exaggerated description for illustrative purposes only.)
We humans tend to "revise" history, we embellish it, remove the imperfections to make ourselves look better, dismiss the hurts, sorrows, and the prices that we paid.....that's why the "good-old-days" look so good over your shoulder. The good-old-days weren't sooooooo great, really, were they?
Check out a day called tomorrow. You'll find something there called "hope." Now hope is a verry good thing.....promise!