11 March 2007

To Be or Not To Be...

Psalm 119:11, 15-16 says “I have hidden Your Word in my heart. That I may not sin against You. I will study Your commandments and reflect on Your ways. I will delight in Your decrees and not forget Your Word.” This all speaks to obedience to God. In addition the first two commandments state: “1) You must not have any other god but me, and 2) you must not make for yourself an idol.”

When I made the decision to leave the gay community, my fierce self-independence did not allow me to relinquish my identity still as a lesbian. I felt, as I have said before, an ambassador without papers—a non-practicing, celibate lesbian.

However, has my insistence on my self-independence and proclamation that I am still a lesbian, albeit alone, created an idol for me? Has this determination resulted in being sidetracked to allow the enemy a toe-hold? Does this mean that I am following the letter of the law, but not the spirit of the law? Does this mean that I am tolerant of this sin by not renouncing my lesbian identity?

Even if I were to renounce that identity, don’t think for a moment, then, that automatically makes me straight. I can never see me living as a heterosexual. But, therein lies another question—does this mean that I know what I should do (by allowing God to work in me and mold me and shape me according to His will for my life) but I don’t follow through?

Will this result in my gradual deterioration of my relationship with God? I know that God loves me, but I won’t have full victory unless I fully obey. Despite my behavior, God has shown me mercy as defined as “not giving a person what he or she deserves.” The essence of sin is selfishness; the essence of God’s way is selflessness. Am I being selfish by exercising my self-independence and not recanting my identity?

Has God left obstacles in my path—my financial ruin and my bipolar disorder—to allow me to develop my faith and obedience? My idolatry of self-independence has led me to prioritize my failure to renounce my identity as a lesbian even though I no longer live as one. All I know is that I love God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength and I only want to be completely obedient. But this still begs the question: Am I just obeying the letter of the law and not the spirit of the law, and therefore not being fully obedient?©2007

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