28 March 2007
I’ve had a different medication added to my cocktail—Zyprexa. I know its propensity to cause massive weight gain as I was on it before I had my gastric bypass surgery. As a result, I am monitoring my caloric and volume intake very strictly. The goal is to get me down to one drug as I progress into remission. I have quite a way to go before I reach that stage; the doctor indicates it will probably be a six-month journey for me.
I’ve noticed a difference in the stability of my moods (and the increased appetite!), and I have discovered that I am missing my manic highs. It was during those periods I was most creative. I haven’t felt the urge to write any poetry or much of anything else since I started the Zyprexa. I’ve heard other bipolar patients say that the reason why they would go off of their medications was to gain back the mania and creativity.
My main concern is achieving mood stability that has been a long time in coming for me this time around. I have been battling the depression end far more frequently this time than the mania—depression that has become completely crippling and affecting my job performance and everything else in my normal daily routine.
So, After two-and-a-half weeks of Zyprexa I am just beginning to see some sense of increased balance at the expense of the loss of the mania. This has definitely become a double-edged sword for me! I don’t know if I will ever be able to write again, or if I am just suffering from writers block. Time will tell
I am also trying very hard to cling to my faith right now. In my angst in the midst of a bout of depression, I just fell to my knees in despair knowing that the only person I had to turn to was God. He reminded me that it was time to fish or cut bait. He told me that he has given me the tools to walk upright in His glory and to claim the victory, so use the tools and grow up. I recognized that as being a loving chastisement of a loving Father.
In the midst of the depression it is often the hardest to remember to use my spiritual tools, but today I can claim the victory for these 24 hours and I’ll take what I can when I can. The true test now, for me, is how I will handle my next bout of depression. Will I allow myself to succumb to my weakness, or will I decide to call upon my Father to intercede on my behalf, knowing full well that He knows exactly what I am going through because Jesus walked in the same footsteps and understands my trials and tribulations. I want to become a mature Christian rather than staying stuck as a child looking for guidance. I am in the Word every morning and I study it faithfully and what resonates for me right now is “Trust and Obey” I know for a fact that He will never leave me nor forsake me, and I stand upon that promise.©