22 November 2009

More Baby Steps

I have to start by saying that Friday afternoon, when I got home from going to Starbucks with K, I had an uneventful evening at home. I was not anywhere close to being suicidal as I sat in my house at home all alone and my depression did not seem to be as severe. I actually felt somewhat content. I am sure it all had to do with the fact that I got out of my house and went somewhere with an understanding friend where we just talked about normal stuff for two hours—what a difference 24 hours can make.

Well, I must be on the good vibrations roll this weekend. Friday, when I got home from coffee with K, I called my other friend A (who provided me with all those safety gadgets for walking late at night). Due to my limited mobility right now, I asked her if I could go grocery shopping with her the next time she went. She mentioned that she was planning to go Saturday around 1100 and she said she would be happy to take me along.

As it approached 1100, I began to feel the anxiety rising. I had not been inside a grocery store since I egged those patrol cars three weeks ago. I was not sure how I was going to deal with all of the people and noise. When A came to pick me up, I was somewhat calmer because I knew I could step outside the store if need be. It was good to see her again. I have never gone grocery shopping with a friend before. In addition, pushing the cart gave me more stability than my cane since I could hold onto it with both hands (no, and that is an emphatic no, I am not got to get a walker!). I was doing pretty well as we traipsed through the aisles until I forgot something and had to go all the way back to the beginning and retrieve it. I was alone, faced a slew of oncoming people, and had a mini-freak out session, sorta like a “deer-in-the-headlamps” experience. I just grabbed the cart, stood still and closed my eyes and took some deep breathes and just concentrating on standing outside in the sunshine. Well, it worked and I did not have to actually leave the store.

I found A and we were ready to check out. I was in a single file at the checkout lane, but I went first and gave some distance to the woman in front of me—talking with A helped keep my mind in the moment. The next thing I knew, we were back in her car riding home where she helped me carry in my groceries. I really enjoyed myself.

Between getting coffee with K on Friday, and spending time with A at the grocery store on Saturday, it represented the first two occasions when I got out of my house to do something with other people that also involved going to places where other people would be. It was not as bad as I thought it could be. Yesterday, after getting home from the grocery store, I felt content yet again. I had set a goal and followed through on it. The rest of the day went smoothly, and when nightfall came, the most fragile time for me when I am in my house all alone, it was not so daunting.

My severe depression seems to be abating somewhat. I don't think it's solely attributable to the Lexapro I just started taking; in fact, I think it has more to do with the decrease in my isolation.  I got 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep last night. I went to sleep at 2300 and rose at 0300, so it still makes for a long day ahead of me, but I felt rested when I awoke. So, today is Sunday, the day I used to go to church. Nevertheless, that is not going to happen today. I am still not ready to go, and I am not sure I want to anymore ever since I got that comment from Sharon on one of my previous posts. I have to ask myself, does everyone there judge me the same way? Do they all think that I am a fraud? I have to keep reminding myself that her comment only represents one opinion from one person and I do not have to accept it, but I cannot help but wonder if others feel the same way. No, I am not ready to face them and all their questions, aside from the fact that it will be a room filled with people (albeit a small number, but people nonetheless). Right now, I’m just please with my baby steps forward.©2009


  1. Alix,
    I am so sorry that my last comments upset you. That was never the intent of my heart. I humbly ask you to forgive me. After reading your “Utter Contempt” post - I felt such an urgency to try and reach out to a dear friend and remind her that she was valuable to God and to me - before I possibly no longer had the opportunity. That was my only intent. I have always and will continue to want the best for you. Therefore, this will be my last contact with you. I’ll place that ball solely in your court. You know how I can be reached if that is ever your desire. You will remain in my thoughts and prayers.
    Still praying! Still your friend!

  2. Sharon, I do forgive you for what you said and understand better the context in which your message was written. While I haven’t always agreed with everything said, I have always appreciated the time you take to read my blog and comments that you’ve posted. I do believe your intent was one of concern and compassion. Please do not hesitate to continue posting further comments; I know where your heart is.