13 December 2009

My Return to My Church

Today I am gong to try to go back to my church after nine weeks. I am feeling very anxious about this. The anxiety has been focused just upon opening that door after all this time. I plan to arrive after the service has started to avoid anyone ahead of time. I know people will notice when I come in and I am also anxious about what to do after the service. Do I leave early the same way I came in? With my cane, I am not walking as quickly as I could. What happens if someone comes out to the parking lot after I leave as I walk across the street back to my house? My exposure is greatest at this point. On the other hand, do I stay until after the service and just get it over with and let everyone welcome me back? I have 45 minutes before the service starts and I am trying to use my tools to quell this anxiety—stay in the moment and not try to project—take it 5 minutes at a time if I have to…

(later)… About five minutes before leaving the house, I decided to do some deep breathing exercise to calm me. That seemed to do the trick. I walked across the street and approached the front door having no idea what to expect. I opened the door and the service was late getting started, but everyone was sitting in their seats. When one individual noticed me, she said rather loudly, “Hi Alix,” and that was it. The service started and no one paid any attention to me. The message that the pastor preached was a good one for me to hear. It was all on how a mighty God we have. At the end of the service, I stayed for a few minutes and it was the dénouement. No one came up to me. I think I was a little bit disappointed, but I did not have to deal with anyone. Maybe everyone was just respecting my space. Therefore, I stood, put on my jacket and walked out the door feeling a little lonely. It is odd, while I had such anxiety about dealing with everyone, when everyone had the chance to say hi to me to welcome me back, no one did. Maybe next week will be different. But, I finally crossed that threshold.©2009


  1. I'd say you're right; it sounds to me like they were respecting your space. I'd imagine they suspected you might be anxious about the meeting, which is in my view entirely natural and normal. I'd have been the same, I know that much.

    But you faced it head on and you should be proud of yourself. I hope the full reintegration will go well - I have every faith that it will, partly because of their apparent acceptance of you, but mostly because of your own incredible strength. Go you!

    Take care hun.

    SI x

  2. @SI...I am hoping successive attempts will bode well for me. Thank you so much for your encouragement!

  3. Christina Madison17 December, 2009 14:15

    I'm really sorry we missed you Alix! I'm glad you made a return and hope to see you soon!

  4. Thanks, Christina. I missed you two as well.