More Baby Steps

I have to start by saying that Friday afternoon, when I got home from going to Starbucks with K, I had an uneventful evening at home. I was not anywhere close to being suicidal as I sat in my house at home all alone and my depression did not seem to be as severe. I actually felt somewhat content. I am sure it all had to do with the fact that I got out of my house and went somewhere with an understanding friend where we just talked about normal stuff for two hours—what a difference 24 hours can make.

Well, I must be on the good vibrations roll this weekend. Friday, when I got home from coffee with K, I called my other friend A (who provided me with all those safety gadgets for walking late at night). Due to my limited mobility right now, I asked her if I could go grocery shopping with her the next time she went. She mentioned that she was planning to go Saturday around 1100 and she said she would be happy to take me along.

As it approached 1100, I began to feel the anxiety rising. I had not been inside a grocery store since I egged those patrol cars three weeks ago. I was not sure how I was going to deal with all of the people and noise. When A came to pick me up, I was somewhat calmer because I knew I could step outside the store if need be. It was good to see her again. I have never gone grocery shopping with a friend before. In addition, pushing the cart gave me more stability than my cane since I could hold onto it with both hands (no, and that is an emphatic no, I am not got to get a walker!). I was doing pretty well as we traipsed through the aisles until I forgot something and had to go all the way back to the beginning and retrieve it. I was alone, faced a slew of oncoming people, and had a mini-freak out session, sorta like a “deer-in-the-headlamps” experience. I just grabbed the cart, stood still and closed my eyes and took some deep breathes and just concentrating on standing outside in the sunshine. Well, it worked and I did not have to actually leave the store.

I found A and we were ready to check out. I was in a single file at the checkout lane, but I went first and gave some distance to the woman in front of me—talking with A helped keep my mind in the moment. The next thing I knew, we were back in her car riding home where she helped me carry in my groceries. I really enjoyed myself.

Between getting coffee with K on Friday, and spending time with A at the grocery store on Saturday, it represented the first two occasions when I got out of my house to do something with other people that also involved going to places where other people would be. It was not as bad as I thought it could be. Yesterday, after getting home from the grocery store, I felt content yet again. I had set a goal and followed through on it. The rest of the day went smoothly, and when nightfall came, the most fragile time for me when I am in my house all alone, it was not so daunting.

My severe depression seems to be abating somewhat. I don't think it's solely attributable to the Lexapro I just started taking; in fact, I think it has more to do with the decrease in my isolation.  I got 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep last night. I went to sleep at 2300 and rose at 0300, so it still makes for a long day ahead of me, but I felt rested when I awoke. So, today is Sunday, the day I used to go to church. Nevertheless, that is not going to happen today. I am still not ready to go, and I am not sure I want to anymore ever since I got that comment from Sharon on one of my previous posts. I have to ask myself, does everyone there judge me the same way? Do they all think that I am a fraud? I have to keep reminding myself that her comment only represents one opinion from one person and I do not have to accept it, but I cannot help but wonder if others feel the same way. No, I am not ready to face them and all their questions, aside from the fact that it will be a room filled with people (albeit a small number, but people nonetheless). Right now, I’m just please with my baby steps forward.©2009

Appt with Psychiatrist Week 5

On Tuesday, after posting this entry I called my group therapist out of politeness (yet another quirk—I can be completely suicidal and yet stop to be polite…go figure!) to let her know I would not be attending yesterday’s session. This was after canceling my psychiatrist’s appt for today and my appt with my GP tomorrow. In that state of mind, I did not want to be around anyone who was going to parse my emotions. When she asked me why I wouldn’t be attending, I simply replied that I couldn’t deal with being around anyone. Then I sorta lost it on the phone despite my keen attempts to be stable. I ended up telling her what had been going through my mind on Monday night when I was quite suicidal and how reading a comment yesterday morning on this post before calling her upset me so greatly. She asked if I could read to her the comment and then my response to that comment. She tried to remind me that this comment only represented one person’s opinion—an opinion that she was allowed to have, but one I did not have to agree with, nor let it have power over me. We talked on the phone for about an hour (unheard of with most in this community). I also told her that I had canceled the other two appts as well. She asked me if I was still feeling suicidal and I had to tell her that I did not know. Then she asked me if I could make a commitment to her to remain safe. If I didn’t tell her what she wanted to hear, I knew she would call 911 because she said as much. Not wanting to go there, I told her what she wanted to hear. Then she asked me if I would be able to call her before she left the office later that afternoon and I said I would.

When I get in this state, I always sabotage myself. That’s why I canceled the other two appts. I simply no longer cared about wanting to get better. However, after talking with her, I rescheduled both appts.

Well, the rescheduled appt with my psychiatrist gave me a valid reason for missing Wednesday’s group that I wanted to do in the first place. When I went in to see him yesterday morning, I could not make eye contact with him. His primary concern is that the meds cocktail he has me on is not working to get me out of this severe depression. He decided to finally add an antidepressant to the mix and gave me a sample of Lexapro. Not wanting to trigger a manic phase, he only wants me to take 5mg once a day. I also told him of my financial problems since I incurred all these medical bills. I also found out Monday afternoon that my 16-year-old Honda with 250,000+ miles on it was not long for this world (power train and transmission—the same quote I got from three different auto shops). I simply cannot afford to buy another car, and the cost to repair my car was going to be four to five times the blue book value of the car, an amount I couldn’t afford anyway. He told me not to worry about the cost of the Lexapro, as he would keep me in samples for the time that I felt I needed it. That doesn’t even touch the $175 I just had to shell out on my other bipolar 90-day scripts.

I also convinced him that my balance was much better and that I thought he and Wallace had just been alarmists. I said that because I don’t them to make such a big deal of my continued imbalance. I received some of the results from that blood work that Dr Wallace had ordered.  The Magnesium, Phosphorus and Zinc were all within normal limits (albeit on the low side). Now we are just waiting on the Selenium and the most important one of all, the B1 which, in part, may be causing my ataxia (we already know that my B12 is on the low side of normal, so I’m back to giving myself the shots again once I mail off Dr Wallace’s scripts—and I don’t even know if I have the money for all of those). I am sure my B1 should come back too low to account for the ataxia; I just don’t want to think that it may be because of an organic process in my cerebellum. If my B1 is too low, I wonder if they make an IM version I can use to shoot myself in my thigh, or if it only comes in IV form (we already know that I can’t absorb it orally because of my bypass surgery). Dr Wallace also wants me to schedule a time when I can get the Infed, the iron infusion by IV, but when I did that before, it was approximately $1600 a pop. The doc said I might be able to participate in a clinical trial currently being offered so I could receive the Infed for free, but I’ve yet to hear a reply on that one. If I can’t qualify, I won’t be able to raise my Ferritin levels, already abnormally low, even though my hemoglobin is only just slightly lower that normal in comparison.

So here I sit Thursday morning with nothing to do. I don’t know what I am going to do with my car. At some point very soon, it will die on me. I just hope I’m not on some interstate when it does. When it does crap out on me I will truly be up a creek.©2009

For Melanie—

Melanie, in your comment on my post below, you’ve touch upon a subject that concerns why I am beginning to have problems about the Bible…its translation. Full Gospel preachers will preach that it is the inherent word of God—that these words were divinely inspired. Yet, to whom were they inspired? Men of a far different cultural time than now. You cited a good example of sexism—women were treated as chattel (“an item of personal property that is not freehold land and is not intangible. Chattels are typically movable property). Women were not viewed as persons in their own right. This model had not changed until the 1920s with the 19th Amendment allowing women the right to vote. Up until then, men did not believe women had the wherewithal to have an opinion, much less speak in public. That is only the situation in the United States. Look at how many cultures (e.g., the Middle East) still actually treat their women as property. Anyway, I digress…

I also agree with your statements about Paul being sexist. Paul espoused the notion that men should stay single and devote their lives to God; however, if they could not remain single (subtle inference on my part here—if men could not do without sex), then be married, but it is much better to remain single (1 Cor 7:1). My interpretation: women were only good for one thing, satisfying men’s sexual urges (one caveat here, Paul also said the same for widows as well, though). Here’s my conundrum. I am a lesbian, therefore an abomination; however, if I choose to remain single (celibate), then it is better (so am I still an abomination?). So that forces me into a life where I will never have any relationships—a pretty sad state of affairs, don’t you think? Our current government has deemed that same-sex marriages are forbidden (under DOMA). If I could be legally married, then I would not be a fornicator, yet the noose around me is that I am still queer, so therefore still an abomination.

If the Bible is the divinely inspired word of God, then who is to say that by the time the words were captured on papyrus, the men so divinely inspired did not interpret it as they saw fit according to the times in which those words were inspired. I have already mentioned in my post below how we have since dispensed with certain passages as biblical rule, but to this day, no one will even suggest that homosexuality be dispensed with at the same time because through the ages, religious zealots have seen fit to propagate the belief that homosexuals are perverts (it’s become a strong-held belief, I believe, because people saw this as “different” from their own experiences, therefore immoral). Slavery was supported in the Bible. It is no longer allowed. Interracial marriages were not approved, but only recently have the courts deemed this as racist. No one wants to touch on the hot ticket of the day which has become the litmus test for all politicians, much like abortion was in previous political battles.

Your desire to read the true translations as you study other languages may prove interesting, especially as they may show wide differences across today’s various translations. In some churches, only the old King James version is considered THE Bible. I personally have found that the NIV is more homophobic across the board than others. Good luck with your studies and thank you for taking the time to share with me your thoughts.©2009

So Tell Me Again—Why Is It So Wrong To Be Queer?

(…continued from below -- damn if I can't get the text to align with the pics!)

Then there is my big issue of being able to reconcile being queer and Christian. I want so much to sing my heart out to the Lord during praise and worship and feed on God’s word. Nevertheless, the Bible tells me that I am an abomination before Him. Even when I drew closer to God and made the decision to be celibate, I still considered myself to be a lesbian. It’s not that I have any intentions or desires “convert” and become straight. I am just not wired that way. However, isn’t that just obeying the letter of the law and not the spirit?

Sure, there is a Metropolitan Community Church (catering primarily to the gay community) here in town, but that never fed me spiritually. Besides, my ex-partner attends there (also a small church—no way to avoid her). I’ve even attended a couple of major denomination churches that are gay affirming, but they didn’t feed my spiritual hunger either. My church feeds my heart and spirit. It’s the one to which I want to return.

I argue with God. Why is being queer a sin? I just don’t get it. Aside from the famed verse in Leviticus (Lev 20:13), the very same book also preaches the dietary laws and preaches against wearing clothes of mixed fabric. Why are the latter two no longer sins, but homosexuality still is? I really believed that the Bible is God’s word. You either accept it all or reject it all. If you believe in the Bible, you just can’t choose to accept only those passages you happen to believe in. But, that is exactly what is done. We no longer follow the dietary laws or the mixing of fabrics as being sinful, yet being queer still is. Why? Why? Why?

If it is such a huge sin, then why didn’t it make it in the top ten right alongside adulterers, thieves, liars, and murderers? Jesus never once mentioned it during His ministry, but did warn against adulterers, thieves, liars, and murderers. Why is being queer a sin?

Remaining celibate hasn’t really been an issue for me since I walked away from the only social network I ever had. My only social network after that became this one little church. No, I’ve never been judged openly; yet at the same time, I’ve never been able to have a conversation with anyone about my struggle with this issue except my pastor and one other person. I’m still an activist dyke fighting for LGBTQ equality in my own way (e.g., my entire Facebook page focuses on that). All of my “friends” rally around equal justice while there are those lobbying our government using their powerful muscle to promote their views that all gays are sinners and perverts out to destroy American family values. Hello…I’m an American.

I find it quite ironic that the recent hate crime law to include gays only made it because it was attached to a defense bill that the White House and Congress wanted so desperately to pass. Yet, another irony—it’s part of an amendment whose very nature supports Don’t Ask, Don’t tell. If the military only knew how many closeted lesbians and gay men are fighting for our country right now. Yes, there is another bill in Congress deliberating repealing DADT, but that is small potatoes compared to some very basic issues of inequality we face every single day. Because same-sex marriage is not sanctioned at the federal level (thanks to the Defense of Marriage Act), we don’t enjoy the same equal economic opportunities (e.g., insurance coverage for our partners, although some major companies do have diversity policies allowing for this, death benefits, etc.). Let’s not forget that we have no protection where housing and employment are concerned.

Back to the recent hate crimes law, what that made it more palliative had to do with the following provision: religious leaders are still given the permission to continue spewing their religious rhetoric with no consequences.

There is another bill up before this Congress, the Employment Non-Discrimination Act, but yet again, there is a provision that religious organizations are provided a special exception to this protection, similar to the principles of the Civil Rights Act. The right-wing Christian fundamentalists have their fingers in every pie. Imagine one of these fundies wearing a cotton-wool blend suit. If they are going to throw the Bible down our throats as the measuring stick for their causes, they can’t have it both ways.©2009

How Do You Arrive At Your Beliefs?

The ability to have an opinion—a perception if you will—requires people to think long and hard on where they stand on issues along with the road that leads them there. This act of thinking is purposely an action verb that insists upon making up one’s own mind, not following in the footsteps of another.

Why do you take that stance on that issue? Is it because it is something you have researched in order to come to an informed decision? Or is it merely a position held by virtue of listening to the media’s spin on something, or worse yet, blindly following someone else’s lead because you believe them to be smarter than you? Each of us is entitled to our own beliefs and opinions on subjects at hand; it’s how to come to your conclusions that matters.

The media is certainly no place to place any weight on an opinion; they place their own spin on any issue based on what their opinion is. To be sure, there are some publications that are more unbiased than not, but as a general rule, one cannot assume that the articles read equally encompass both sides of any given issue.

Another insidious source of opinion is the church’s pulpit. While a Pastor, like every other person in this country, has the right to his or her own opinions, there is no room for those opinions to be preached. The pulpit should be reserved for the preaching of the Lord’s Word as defined by the Bible, not spouting some political diatribe and rhetoric that is hoisted upon us by using the Bible as conjecture for that position. Too many people in the congregation are like lambs being lead to the slaughter. They truly believe what is said in the pulpit, regardless of the subject matter, is the truth. I will admit, as long as it is the Word that is being faithfully preached without the Pastor’s personal opinion spun upon the subject, then that speaks of truth according to the Bible. When the Pastor ventures into the territory of the political domain, then I believe that creates a conflict of interest. The Church enjoys a tax-free status. If they choose to use their pulpit as a forum and venue to spout political conjecture, then they must be willing to give up their tax-free status. The concept of separation of Church and State cuts both ways.

The gay community has suffered long and hard at the hands of the fire and brimstone of “concerned” preachers. They spout, “love the sinner, hate the sin,” but, in reality, hating the sinner is the ultimate achievement by this sort of diatribe. Never before has there been a subject matter so venomously preached on as the wages of sin being death towards the gay community. It is as if this is the last stronghold upon which the church has to take. Oh, to be sure, abortion is still a viable arguable effort; however; it no longer raises the ire and brings together a small-minded community convinced that they must all inform the gay man or lesbian woman that they are going to hell.

So, how do you arrive at the conclusions or your stances on any given subject matter? Do you go to reliable, proven sources to make an informed decision, or do you become exactly like that lamb led to slaughter and jump on the bandwagon to follow others’ opinions because you don’t have the inclination to be responsible for your own beliefs? I chose to use the Bible as a reference for the Church’s stance on homosexuality as it is the source most Christians will fall back on to condemn a gay man or a lesbian to an eternal life in hell.

Each of us carries that enormous burden of being responsible for our opinions and beliefs because we should arrive at them with correct information to back up what those opinions indicate. Nevertheless, each of us is equally burdened with carrying out a dialog with someone of an opposing belief with compassion and understanding. This is the art of debate where two opposing tenets can be examined with openness and not accusation regardless of the subject matter. In addition, above all, when one arrives at a belief or an opinion based upon a personal experience, no one can argue over that experience because it is what it is: a personal example of what someone brings to the table to be discussed without theory or postulates. Anyone can spout invectives over a subject, but it does not lesson the personal experience of any one individual (e.g., is abortion considered OK, regardless of the term of pregnancy, when it is as a result of rape or incest?). Unless one has walked in the other’s shoes, one must honor these experiences during the expression of disagreement.

So again, I ask of you…what is the foundation behind your beliefs?©2007