03 May 2007

An Empty Tank?

Why can’t I forget her?
A relationship that lasted merely one year
One that began to sour after six months
I wanted out but didn’t know how

The beginning and middle were filled with wonderful memories
The latter half with bitter resentment on my part
The betrayal I felt when I gave all that I had
And was given but little in return

Everything around me recalls this past
A full moon, a weather report, items that just jump out of the air
It has been over one year since the “divorce”
How much time must I endure these reminders?

The focus of the memories are negative
I concentrate more on the ending of the relationship
Very abrupt and mean-spirited on her part
I was kicked to the curb in one fell swoop

The emotions of anger and resentment mostly have faded
I wish the recollection of her presence would just disappear
I feel as though my engine is in neutral and I am going nowhere
And want so much to move forward with my life

Yes, there are stretches of time when I don’t think of her at all
I wish those stretches would become more the norm than not
What’s most confounding is that, for some time there was no recollection
Only recently has it resurfaced with a bang

I want so much for the peace and solitude that I have
Not be interrupted with memories of this past
I was enjoying my seclusion, my entombment from the world
What must I do to heal this wound?

I would like to believe that, with more time, the separation will grow
That there will be a greater disconnection from these memories
But for the time being I am flooded with reminders
Ones I’d just as soon forget

Am I being honest with myself and my emotions?
Have I truly not let go of the painful hurt that she has caused?
I want so desperately to be able to look upon the past
As a simple exercise in poor judgment and let it go at that

There have been no other relationships to supplant these intrusions
I have no desire to even entertain this as an option
I feel this season of solitude had been a gift
Until her still-felt presence continues to announce itself

So, in the meantime my thoughts are interrupted
My emotions are not so much in check
I just want what I had before this occurrence
Considering I initially was the one that wanted out

I was unprepared for the wrathful execution
As much as I desired the ultimate separation
The manner in which it was delivered
Was cruel and inhumane, more than I thought possible

Will more time begin to finally heal my heart?
All I ask is that any memory be fleeting at best
Because I gave to her all that I had within me
Perhaps I am just waiting for my tank to refill


1 comment:

  1. Alix, I just want you to know that everyone lives with memories of past relationships. That might be a redundant statement....it's something that you already knew.

    Seeking a new relationship can be beguiling...it seems to offer something that will supplant the old hurt and betrayal... but it often opens the door to "transferrence" something that we do almost naturally.. ..imposing the old relationship upon the new and crippling the life of the new relationship as a result.

    When we give ourselves in the deepest relationships....those that include intimacy....we create "soul-ties." This is the spiritual mingling of two people. We are familiar with the mingling of life and money and friends when we form new relationships....but no one ever speaks about the mingling of our souls which create bonds/ties that are lasting and difficult to break.

    Do I have any great advice...well, maybe. Taking our soul-ties to the creator of love and the ultimate heart-mender is a great place to start. Laying the relationship down, letting go, and leaving it behind is difficult but possible.

    The great, unconditional, chasing, love of God has a wonderful way of fading memories and encouraging hope in our souls. God runs toward me when others run away.

    Isn't it interesting that we never outgrow our desire for relationship? I've spoken with men and women who are 80 and 90 years old and they still harbor a desire to love and to be loved.

    Maybe it's a desire placed in us that never dies so that one day...finally...God can fulfill the relationship that we have been seeking with himself. Just a thought.

    Empty tank.....what an appropriate word picture for a universal experience.

    Thanks again Alix....you took me down roads that are heavily traveled by silent people. I needed to walk this way.